The three of them sat on a bench at the edge of the Commercial District. John remembered how this had looked when Fusion had been announced. The brimming streets now were nothing to the assortment of infrequently visited corner stores that had filled this space at the beginning.

Between expansion and immigration into Fusion, particularly the coastal areas, the Federation now governed the life of almost 300’000 citizens. Collide saw the second largest population growth of all of them. Somehow, Florida stayed ahead. Did people just like the weather more or was it something else? John had no idea.

Sitting there, occasionally pointed at by a couple of passers-by, they said nothing for a while. John eventually raised his voice. “How about you two go for a flight together?” he suggested.

He didn’t have to move his eyes from the scene before him to know that Momo and Nightingale first looked at him, then each other. They heard the unsaid part in his voice. He wanted to be alone for a little bit. Simultaneously, they placed kisses on his cheeks, then took off. With a smile, he watched them go. He hoped they would spend some time bonding.

After sitting there and just watching, he began walking. Why he wanted to be alone, he wasn’t quite sure of. Something about the evening just made him feel nostalgic for easier times. ‘There’s such a large selection of easier times I could go for.’

John recalled the many weeks he had spent alone on his computer, and how carefree that time had been. Nothing to weigh him down, nothing to distract him… aside from the end of the summer break and the inevitable torment that came with it.

John recalled when he had first gotten his powers. Weeks and months, spent just discovering the Abyss around him. The amazements at all the little ways magic was utilized… and the terror of what people decided to do with their supernatural gifts.

John recalled when he had gotten involved with the politics of this side the first time. How Lydia had made him repay her and all the advantages that had come to him for it. This time, when his harem had already started to take shape, when he started to become powerful… also a time when he was too weak to prevent what happened to those he cared about. When he was dragged into conflict at other people’s terms.

John recalled landing on these shores, gradually expanding his influence, grinding his way up from nothing, picking his engagements, growing and exploiting as he could, grinding up his level, with few responsibilities… inevitably leading to him getting reminded that this was still the same Abyss that contained the cruel, the arrogant, and the careless.

Was any of that really better than today? Now he was in charge of a massive organization. He awoke every day and found a way to make it stronger, or at least worked to make sure it didn’t become weaker. He was surrounded by affection. Even putting his haremettes out of the picture, he spent each day with work that was, albeit not as enjoyable as gaming, several times more validating. He was in control of his fate, ever more than before. Tomorrow promised even greater liberty, even if it didn’t promise greater freedom. Each passing day was the same. The more responsibilities he took on, the narrower his options became, yet the more his spirit soared.

‘No, there really isn’t any time I would like to go back to.’ John stood and turned northwards, opposite of the direction Momo and Nightingale had headed. Quickly, he spread a message through his mental network. ‘I’m going to isolate myself for a bit. No need to be worried, I just want some recuperation time.’

There was some worry in the responses, because this was such untypical behaviour from him. He spent a little time assuring each of them, before doing as he had announced and shutting them out. It was easier than one might think, as all of them backed off at the first sign of resistance. Only Aclysia and Claire’s presences stayed within view of his mindscape, ready to reconnect the moment he lowered the paper-thin walls.

John exhaled, heavier than he thought he would. All of a sudden, he was reminded that he was an introvert at heart. Social exhaustion rarely surfaced these days, yet it was still a thing. All of the bustling sounds around him suddenly turned borderline unbearable. The hammering of nails into boards. The bolting together of metal frames. The snaps of plastic mechanisms. Above it all, the constant chatter and movement all around.

Walking, his eyes and ears turned distant from his thoughts. His senses worked just fine and he let his body auto-pilot based on what they took in. It was just that his physical and mental presences were distant at the moment. His body moved while his mind pretended that those bothersome noises around him didn’t exist. That there was nothing in particular around him.

‘What am I feeling right now?’ he wondered and furrowed his eyebrows when an answer surfaced that he didn’t like. ‘Why am I feeling like I just missed the bus to school?’

There were few worse things in his past as those instances. It was one thing to have to attend school, to suffer the torment between classes so his mom wouldn’t be worried and he got a degree to one day outcompete all of his bullies. Driving there was painful enough. To walk the entire way, knowing with every step what awaited him, how could it not make one want to run away?

‘But I beat that, didn’t I?’ the Gamer thought. ‘Frank and Vanessa, they’re just painful memories now. Growing more distant with every year. One day I’ll only think of them once a year, then once a decade, maybe once a millennium. I made my peace with what they did to me. So why am I feeling an echo of what they made me feel right now?’

Certainly, the sensation he experienced right now was weaker. That was the good news. It was, however, still of the same variety. John was walking and mulling over this for ten minutes, until he finally could put a finger on what it was.

‘Am I experiencing burnout symptoms?’ That realization only made him all the more confused. ‘How could I possibly be experiencing burnout? I sleep eight hours a day, I have three custom-planned, delicious meals a day, I have plenty of physical activity, I’m sexually fulfilled, and I just noted that everything in my job is on the up and up. That can’t be it, right?’

John softly bit the inside of his cheek, for no other reason than to confirm that his body was still there. A group of four children was playing football between the Mana Factories. One of them kicked the ball a bit too intensely. It smacked against another kid’s face and made them topple over backwards. Crying soon filled the air, worried adults hurried over, as did a certain slime girl.

The clone of Undine made eye contact with John for a moment, but let him continue on his path without as much as a gesture. She quickly tended to the child. A smile made it on John’s lips for a moment. It dropped as he continued on.

The question whether this sensation could be burnout remained. John wasn’t particularly stressed, or at least, he didn’t think he was stressed. He took plenty of days off. Sure, one of his bodies was usually doing something work related, but he took his breaks from that too. He had been doing this for over a year, the whole administration had started before Fusion had. Why would he be feeling fatigued now? That made no sense at all.

Besides, how much of an introvert was he really these days? He was always meeting with people and getting things done. When he was socially exhausted, he always recharged his batteries around the only people that didn’t grind his gears no matter how much they talked to him.

Could his gut just be wrong?

‘I’m too smart not to listen to myself,’ the Gamer denied that possibility. If this was the creeping start of a burnout, then he had to do something about this. He threw the question of ‘What?’ into the deep chasms of his mind. The depths, the shadow, the subconscious, the parts that had stored a great variety of answers, some cruel, some sage advice, in instinct and instinct alone. The collective survival capacity of an interrupted, successive lineage of evolution. Biology, plain and simple, or the spirit of his ancestors, more artistically expressed. The parts of him that knew it was best to eat when he was hungry, best to sleep when he was tired, and how to breathe when he slept.

And when he thought about it, the plan to get that farm suddenly presented itself again.

It appeared in his thoughts, a spontaneous suggestion of how nice it would be to keep a small garden. To see his women in simple clothing, practical, walking around the homestead, doing necessary work. A house, larger than the average farmer’s house for certain, but not as immense as what he currently had, with a little less luxury and a little more gusto.

‘Weird random thought,’ John wondered. ‘I’ve been thinking about that farm idea a lot recently… wonder when I can make time for it.’ Stopping suddenly on the bridge to the Earth Island, he walked up to the railing and looked out to his Palace. How mighty it stood, how tall and splendid, for everyone to see, watched over by Lady Liberty. What more grandiose abode could a man ask for? ‘I think that just might be the problem. I need a scene change. I need to do something with my hands that’s tangible. I… I want to be a father…’

John took a deep breath and exhaled very slowly through his mouth. That that was a mistake, he only realized when he heard a voice behind him. “Everything alright, Mister President?”

His mind finally resumed control over his body, albeit with some remaining lethargy. John turned his head and looked at an average woman. She was attractive, as most women tended to be, especially in the Abyss. Even with John’s high standards for what he wanted as a haremette, he acknowledged the fair sex was definitely what it said on the label.

How attractive exactly she was, he shockingly found his brain did not have the energy to evaluate right now. He was still preoccupied with digesting what exactly he was feeling at the moment. He was just happy that things had quieted this far out. Most of the work was happening in the Commercial District, over a kilometre away.

“I really shouldn’t ramble,” John confessed. Both of his arms landed on the railing, as he put his weight on them, and he resumed staring ahead. Silently, he stood there, just waiting for the woman to move on. Two minutes later, she still stood there. A sliver of his paranoia returned and he used Observe to confirm she wasn’t a spy or someone else trying to get something out of him. ‘Imagine if I didn’t have that ability… no wonder rulers usually turn bitter and trigger ha-.’

His thoughts stopped dead in their tracks when he read the emotion box of the woman. She was concerned about him. That was her foremost emotion. The Gamer pulled his shoulders back and straightened up. He couldn’t have people be concerned about him. He was the face of the Federation, his might was the foundation of the peace these people enjoyed, his mechanics the source of their prosperity.

“Everything is alright,” he assured the random woman, who still refused to leave. It reflected in her eyes that she didn’t believe him.

Before he could come up with any further explanations, John noticed a short woman with long hair approach. It was white and turned blue from the chin downwards. She wore a black, closed-up robe, hiding all of her body except the face and hands. She was adorable and gorgeous, had eyes like amethysts and nails of crimson red.

“You mind… going away?” Eliana asked the citizen, who glanced at John one last time, then nodded. “Thanks.” One left, the other stepped close. John wanted to present a snarky remark, about how he had asked to be alone or something like that. A single sentence destroyed any of the crawlingly formulating social responses his brain was putting together. “Jane told me to go check on you.”

“Did she now?” he asked, shaking his head at himself. “Peak of genius and charisma,” he mumbled to himself, his shoulders dropping again as he put his elbows back on the railing. Eliana stepped up next to him, carefully grabbing his arm. “You’re shaking,” he observed.

“I… this isn’t the first time I’ve seen you so weak, but I still have no fuck- I have no clue what to do.”

“You can curse.”

“Okay, but I really shouldn’t right now.”

“If you feel that way,” John said, his neutrality making it sound more flippant than he wanted. He lacked the energy to care. He lacked the will to look for what reaction his words invoked in her. That made him nearly slap himself. “Jesus, what am I doing?” he asked, angrily and pulled Eliana close to him. “Let’s find somewhere to sit.”

“Sure.” The small, worried woman accompanied him over to the Earth Island, where a patch of green grass provided comfort in the shadow of the arching bridge. Squeezing his hand, Eliana sat next to him. “So… what’s going through your mind right now, John?” she asked.

Above everything at the moment, he hated that he made her concerned. “Very few things of very little impact, oddly enough… well, not entirely true, one is of pretty big impact…”

“Can you stop beating around… fuck, we’re bad at this consoling shit…” Suddenly John was grabbed by the collar. A wolfish growl escaped the blood mage, as she shook him thoroughly, not presenting any words. Then it stopped. “Why can’t you just be normal?!” she shrieked, trembling all over as she nearly clawed her hair out. “John, I… why can’t I do even this right? Why am I making this about myself?!”

“I want to be a father,” John hit her with the biggest revelation he had.

Eliana immediately stopped trembling and looked at him wide-eyed. He expected many reactions from her. A smile, a joking comment, even crying, what he didn’t expect was nothing. Nothing was what he got. Shocked, she silently looked at him. “Now is not the time, right?” she asked.

“Now is not the time.” He let another, incredibly long sigh out. “It’s not even a revelation that I want that. It’s just… I don’t know.”

“That’s okay.” Eliana got a little closer, grabbed his entire arm. “It’s okay when you don’t know.”

“No, it’s not,” John denied and he meant that. “I have to have answers to everything. How can I be expected to solve everything if I don’t?”

“You aren’t.”

That statement coerced the first giggle from John that he had let out in… how long ago had he departed from Momo and Nightingale? He had completely lost track of time. “Everyone relies on me, of course I need answers.”

“John… when was the last time you did something that wasn’t your responsibility? And I mean actually not yours, not ‘I delegated it and then double-checked when it was done’ or some fuckery like that.” Amethyst eyes gazed at the depth of his soul.

The Gamer opened his mouth, then closed it when this was something he actually failed to get a precise answer to. Best response that came to mind was ‘define your responsibility?’, which he realized was exactly the problem. The veneer over his denial cracked and suddenly he felt more exhausted than before, as the answer for why he felt the start of a burnout became clear. “Probably a year ago.” He raised a hand, first to keep Eliana from responding, then to pinch the bridge of his nose. “That’s just the start of it. Who am I doing all of this for? I started this for me. I wanted to help and I wanted to do it my way. It’s all working for everyone else. People are happy and prosperous and I… I want to be a father but I don’t have the time for it.”

He jumped when something soft touched his left shoulder. Unperturbed, Velka continued to rub the side of her face against him. The large bird-cat laid down next to him and put her head in his lap. “Mrreeow?” she let out the most adorable sound a feline was capable of producing. Awkwardly, she put a wing on top of him. The feathers tickled his nose.

It made him take his hand away from his face to push the limb out of it. The moment he did, the Magryph grabbed his fingers with her beak and demandingly pulled it towards her belly. “I have to do everything around here,” the Gamer chuckled and scratched the selfish bird. “I’ll steal all your shinies one day as tax for all the money you cost me.” For once, Velka did not have a hiss in response to that. She put her head back on his lap and purred. “Maybe I shouldn’t do things properly for once.”

“No,” Eliana told him.

“No?” John raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t you just tell me it’s okay when I don’t have the answers.”

“Can we not play wordgames for five fucking minutes when you look like you’re about to jump off a bridge?”

“It’s not that bad.”

“It will be that bad.”

John didn’t know how to retort that. ‘This is happening a lot right now.’ “Okay, then you start,” he requested, sincerely. “What am I supposed to do? I had this perfect plan in my head. I would just unite the entirety of the USA landmass, arbitrary goal but a goal nonetheless, then Fusion would be a world power, no one would mess with us, thus creating an environment stable enough for me to marry Jane, make you the mother of my first kid, and then go from there as opportunities arise. Now, suddenly, I feel like I am starting to be… just a bit tired. I can probably muddle through. Or I can just get what I want most of all.”

“I don’t want us to have a kid because you’re depressed, John.”

That sentence hit him like a ton of bricks, for a variety of reasons, all of which should have been obvious. “What is happening to me right now?” he mumbled. He usually wasn’t this slow or awkward – anymore at least.

“Come on, look at me, you genius.” Eliana grabbed his head with both hands and turned him towards her. It was so unusual to see her with her robe closed. “We all have everything we want,” she told him. “And we rely on you all the time, because we know we can. You’re the…” she swallowed a curse word, “…the guy at the centre of the room we all know can help us. You’ll do it properly. You’ll do it exactly the way you want. You’re… I don’t even know what you are, but I love whatever that is. You know what? I take it back that I said you don’t need to know shit. You obviously do. You obviously can. Now look at me and figure out what you need to know already.”

John stared at her and did as she demanded. Lethargic grey matter was forced into movement by the only force more powerful than his own will: the need to prove himself to one of his loves. Why was Eliana here in the first place? Because Rave had sent her. When his girlfriend’s intuitions spoke, then he best listened.

What did he know about his current situation? Burnout wasn’t something he could reason himself out of, but he certainly could look at parts of what caused his current predicament and analyse them one by one.

John was in love with having responsibility. Whatever he did, he couldn’t imagine giving too much of it up. Not worrying about anything sounded the opposite of relaxing. What he needed less of was people. Strangers, in particular, people outside his circle of friends and harem. He also wanted to be somewhere else. The Guild Hall was a fundamentally finished project and that felt good. Now he needed something new, something actually built with his hand. He wanted to raise his own child or children, but he couldn’t do so without throwing a wrench in the way to do it properly.

‘I should have just listened to my subconscious.’ John scratched the back of his neck. “Alright, I got it. We’ll have the festivities, then we’ll deal with the Quests by the Mother of Wind and such and after that, we’ll buy a farmstead in… Oklahoma.” He just randomly picked a state. “Then I’ll take a month off everything. Not a time dilated month, just a month. We’ll move over. We’ll have a teleporter for everyone who has to or wants to keep working around here. I’ll just… build a house.”

Eliana studied his face for a long while. Then, her worriedly pressed together lips spread into a grin. A wide, manic grin, that made her look like she would do well as a patient in a psych ward. It looked incredibly enticing on her face. “That’s your idea of relaxing?!” she asked, before breaking out into an insane laughter. “You fucking weirdo!”

“Hey, I like what I like!” John defended himself and joined in her laughter.

Everything was (almost) back like it should be.