DASH

Jaekyung was still standing, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms over his chest. He had been silent since the doctor left the room. Jihong was nervous, expecting him to start screaming and getting angry. Since this was not happening, his patience ran out.

"You'd better leave." He said in a deliberately cold, commanding tone.

Jaekyung finally looked at him and looked away again, "Where?"

"Home."

Only after saying that, Jaekyung raised his head for a moment.

"I'll decide for myself.

"What do you decide?" Will you stay here until morning? Jihon, interrupting, strained: "If you stay, tomorrow you will feel bad again.

"So what?" Let it be bad.

"Hey!"

– Do you really think that such words are appropriate for an athlete? Jihong didn't have time to say when Jaekyung straightened up, pushing himself off the wall, and blurted out sharply: "Hyun, you've brought your body to full wear and tear in a month, and are you worried that I'll feel bad for a couple of days?"

"You and I are different.

"Someone who is so worried about my condition does not worry at all about the fact that he has undermined his own health.

"I didn't blow up anything. And then, you and I, we...

"What is the difference between us?!" Jaekyung shouted, slamming his fist against the wall with force. Then he stepped towards Jihong and continued, "Why, because I'm an athlete preparing for the Olympics and you're not?" Damn, are you serious?!

The closer he came, the more clearly Jihong could see Jaekyung's distorted face, his eyes reddened, filled to the brim with tears, and his lips bitten to blood with anger.

– What is so special about the Olympic Games? What is so important about this gold medal that you are ready to take desperate measures?

Jaekyung stopped right in front of Jihon and added in a broken voice, "For me, that's not the case. Even if I win a gold medal in this way, it won't bring any joy. Now I'm just going crazy.

At the end of the phrase, squeezed out through clenched teeth, the first tear fell and fell. Jihong, shaken to the core, couldn't even pronounce his name. He jumped out of bed. Closing the distance between them, he saw the rage, despair, and terrible pain raging in Jaekyung's eyes even more clearly.

"What should I do?" Jaekyung asked. "What am I supposed to do to stop you from doing all this nonsense?" Ask them to remove you from my escort? Ask to replace you with someone else? Should I give a receipt that I will no longer approach you until the end of the Olympics? Will it suit you?

His face was tense, his teeth clenched, but with each word, his eyes filled more and more with tears. The accumulated moisture began to drip from his long eyelashes one after another, and each time Jihon's heart contracted painfully and fell down.

"I didn't want it to turn out like this. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry," Jihon whispered in a broken voice.@@novelbin@@

He was really sorry. He tried to wipe the tears from Jaekyung's face, but Jaekyung stopped him by grabbing his wrist.

"Don't apologize. If I also hear an apology from you, I'll go completely off the rails," Jaekyung growled and roughly pushed his hand away. Because you are sincerely sure that you are right. That it was the best way for me to win the gold medal. Faithfully?

— Джэкён…

"I understand why you did it. You wanted me to succeed," he left Jihon no chance to justify himself. "There is no agent in the world as responsible and loyal as you.

"Jaekyung, I—" Jihong tried to interject.

"If you saw me as a living person instead of results, you would have acted differently," Jaekyung interrupted him.

He believed that Jihong was acting solely out of professional duty. Jihon understood why he thought so, and would even prefer not to be clear. But watching Jaekyong's torment was unbearable.

"No, it's not," Jihon said, suddenly grabbing him by the arm. — This is not true.

Jihong was afraid that Jaekyung would break free again, but instead Jaekyung asked with an even more distorted face, "How?" In your opinion, my records are more important to me than anything else?

"No, I knew you wouldn't like it," Jihon replied hurriedly. "That's why I couldn't tell you.

"If you knew I wouldn't like it, then why?!" Jaekyung shouted.

"Because it was the best option," Jihong exclaimed, gripping Jaekyung's hand tighter. "How could it be otherwise?" I couldn't get you to take your medicine.

"Is that why you decided to take them yourself?" Being aware of the side effects? Are you serious?! Jaekyung blurted out angrily. "Then why didn't you just suggest that we leave for the Olympics?"

"I've thought about that too," Jihon admitted.

"Then why are you...

Jaekyung, screaming in despair, suddenly froze. His face changed for a moment, as if a series of different emotions swept through it.

"Then... those words about a business trip... Did you give it up because of me?

"No!"

"Then why?!" He roared with an expression of incomprehension and even more resentment in his eyes. "I said I would keep my promise. If it wasn't because you deliberately wanted to distance yourself from me, I was also ready to keep my word. I said that I would win gold!

— Jacken…

"Were you afraid I wouldn't keep my promise?" Am I not trustworthy?

"That's not true!" Jihon shouted.

He grabbed Jaekyung's hand roughly and shook him, trying to convey his feelings to him.

"I did it because I didn't want to be away from you!" I wanted to stay close. That's why I did it!

Jaekyung finally fell silent. He stared at Jihon with wide-eyed eyes, clearly stunned by what he had heard. Jihon let him go and sat back down on the bed. Running his hand over his face, he continued, "Remember you once asked me if I perceived the possibility of never seeing you again as a threat.

— ...

— Yes, that's true. The thought of not seeing you for a while scared the hell out of me. There are eight months left before the Olympics. And anything can happen. That's why I chose medications.

Jaekyung was silent, and Jihong, without looking at him, could already guess what emotions were reflected on his face. Embarrassment, confusion, inability to believe what they heard.

And as expected, Jaekyung's voice soon rang out above him, "Do you even understand what you just said?"

Instead of answering, Jihon grinned briefly. And finally, raising his head, he said: "Yes. You pressed the touchpad first.

— … Why are you telling me this only now?

Jaekyung didn't look delighted, although he didn't deny it. He only looked at Jihon with an expression of hopeless despair that he had never seen before, and asked quietly, "Why do you prove your love by crippling yourself?"

And indeed. Jihon mentally agreed, still not raising his head. How did he get to this? Why did he confess in this way? He just didn't want Jaekyung to misunderstand him and suffer, but he ended up hurting him even more.

Jihon began to regret what he had done. It would be better if he kept silent all his life. If only he hadn't plucked up the courage like Lucas and made excuses for it like he does now.

It seemed that one wrong stone destroyed everything. The quiet happiness that he thought would last until the Olympics was shattered. But he himself set the stone incorrectly. And Jihong still did not understand where the right place was for him. Is there a way out at all?

And then Jaekyung broke the silence: "If you really had feelings for me, you should have told me then. And we would find a way out together.

Jaekyung's words, as if reading his mind, made Jihong smile involuntarily.

"Yes, I've thought about it.

He rubbed his forehead mechanically and felt a sharp pain on the back of his hand.

"But there was no ideal solution. Separation is still hard for both. Jihon looked at his aching hand and concluded, "It's better to suffer alone. And in this case, I must suffer.

Jaekyung's calm but suppressed voice came from above, "Because I'm an athlete and you're an agent?"

Jihong, still examining his swollen palm, removed the plaster and pulled out the needle, and then said quietly, "No, that's not the point.

He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward and looked at Jaekyung, who was standing in front of him, "Because I love you.

Because Jihong was looking up from below, Jaekyung's gaze seemed even colder and darker. Jihon lowered his head again. Slowly clasping his fingers, he continued, "I love you, so I want to give you all the good and take the bad upon myself." It's easier for me this way. That's my way of loving.

"Is it possible to love and at the same time strive for relief?" Jaekyung muttered, as if to himself. His intonation, full of disbelief, made Jihon chuckle.

"Yes, I know, it's pointless. But that's how I feel. I just can't do it any other way.

"Everything you've done so far has been just a game of relationship!" Jaekyung exploded. "This is not true love!" And your "relationship" is not a relationship at all, but a preparation for a breakup! You were just pretending to be a generous partner so that the breakup wouldn't seem so terrible!

With each new sentence, his tone became more and more sarcastic. It seemed that he could no longer tolerate even the fact that Jihong called his past affairs love.

"When you love someone, you can't help but show your weaknesses, you can't help clinging to your partner, you can't help doing all sorts of stupid things that sometimes look humiliating. Look at me. You know better than anyone what ridiculous things I just didn't do for you. Love is like that. How can you always be only cool and confident?

Jaekyung spoke with sincere conviction that he had shown himself in the most unattractive way in front of Jihong, but Jihong could not understand him. Because at least he never once thought that Jaekyung was pathetic.

But perhaps the reason lay in Jaekyung himself. Even when doing something inappropriate, he didn't look funny. On the contrary, his actions were imbued with genuine confidence, stemming from deep self-respect.

— … I'm not like that.

Yes, they are completely different. Jihon would never be able to cling to or completely bare his soul. It would be self-destructive for him. People liked only his external side - friendly, mature, elegant. Therefore, he sought to demonstrate only it. There is no need to expose your internal flaws. People were tired even of perfect appearance, and if he bared his wounded heart, they would quickly be disappointed and leave.

"I'll probably never change.

"So you're going to spend your life hiding behind the pretext that it's all for someone else's sake?" To sacrifice yourself, your body and soul? Jaekyung quipped.

"It sounds too dramatic, but... I guess so," Jihon nodded. "I don't demand that you understand and accept my approach. But if something like this happens in the future, I will surely make the same choice.

Jihon fell silent. And, gathering his thoughts, he added more calmly: "But I don't want quarrels. I don't want you to suffer because of me. But if this is unavoidable, then it is better for us to disperse.

"How can you talk about breaking up so easily?" Jaekyung's voice began to sound angry again.

"Is this something terrible?" Jihon deliberately replied with a carefree look. "I've experienced it dozens of times.

With a slight grin, he seemed to want to show that for him parting is a common thing, regardless of who is in front of him.

— Everything that begins has an end. If it seems that it is not for long, it is better to break up earlier. So at least both will remain safer.

His words reflected his true feelings. So when Jaekyung brought up the future after the Olympics, Jihong brushed it off: "We'll think about it later." He avoided thinking, not believing that this moment would come at all.

"Do as you like. If you want to break up now, that's fine. If you want it later, it's okay too. I don't care. I'll do as you say.

Jaekyung stared at him for a long time and only after a while sneered, "Even now, you say you'll do as I want. Until the very end, you adjust to me. "I'll do as you want", "if you feel good, then so do I".

Jaekyung repeated the words he had said a few hours earlier, and then became gloomy, "I told you I hated this.

On his impenetrable face, there was an emotion that was about to burst out, suppressed with all his might. But it was not rage, but pain.

"You stubbornly do not change what I hate the most, and then you also say that you are doing everything for me.

— …

"Liar." He said and hurriedly flew out of the ward.

Left alone, Jihon covered his face with his hands again. A wave of fatigue came over me, similar to dizziness. I had to call a nurse to put the needle back in, but it seemed so tiring. He could not move.

Some time passed, and the door suddenly opened.

"They said that your needle fell out of the catheter.

Jihong looked at the nurse in surprise and thought, "How did she know if I didn't even call?"

"Kwon Jaekyung told me.

Only then did Jihon mutter, quietly, "That's right.

He mistakenly thought that Jaekyung left in a fit of anger, but it turned out that Jaekyung wanted to call a nurse.

"Yes, my arm is a little swollen. Probably, the needle did not touch the vessel quite correctly. The nurse explained, without waiting for questions. It was clear from her tone that Jaekyung had probably asked for attention to the swelling.

I wonder when he managed to notice, despite all the excitement, tears and anger?

Jihon felt terrible in many ways. He used the drip as an excuse to lower his head and frown.

He hoped that Jaekyung would return soon. But even after all the procedures were completed, he was gone. Maybe he just told the nurse that he was leaving and went home right away? In any case, Jihong hoped that he would not miss tomorrow's practice. He did not dare to call and just pondered. Well after midnight, a doctor appeared, holding the results of a blood test in his hands.

The man explained the meanings of some indicators for a long time and in a complicated way, and only at the end he summed up in simple words that Jihong could understand: "In short, your condition is a complete mess.

"Yes," Jihon replied, lowering his head.

"As I said, you can't use suppressants. No chips, no pills. Just don't touch the hormones until they're back to normal. After two weeks, donate blood, and if the indicators are normal, then you can put the chip with the lowest dosage again. If you take medication now, it can end badly.

The doctor's tone was harsher than before, which meant that the results of the blood test were worse than expected. Jihong wanted to just agree, but he couldn't.

— And what to do with pheromones?

"Nothing. Let them secrete naturally until they normalize.

Jihon sighed dejectedly. Despite his obvious dissatisfaction and confusion, the doctor's position remained unchanged.

"Simply put, the pheromone glands, which have been suppressed for a long time, are now almost on the verge of exploding," the doctor explained. "You're probably going to go into heat in the next few days." After that, the secretion will decrease sharply. When the cycle passes naturally, everything will begin to stabilize. In the current state, nothing can be done.

– That is, even with symptoms of estrus, I cannot take suppressants?

— Yes, by no means.

"And how to live? How do I go to work?" questions rose to his throat, but Jihong swallowed them. After all, a doctor is not obliged to offer solutions for all occasions. How to cope with this, the patient must decide for himself.

"And what happens if you do resort to suppressors?"

"I told you, no drugs. Why do you need it?

— ... There may be an extreme need.

When he clarified that he was asking only in case of force majeure, the doctor looked at him with disbelief, then sighed heavily.

"If you take medication again, the indicators will deteriorate even more, and the recovery of hormones will take much longer. If you really have an emergency, what can I do to stop you? But if it was my child, I would never let him.

Before the doctor could finish, Jaekyung, who was standing a little further away and listening to their conversation, suddenly shook up: "He won't take them either.

The doctor turned around doubtfully: "Really?

— Yes. I won't. Jaekyung said, crossing his arms over his chest, impassively.

The doctor, smiling, replied, "Yes," and then turned to Jihon again, "Listen to your younger brother.

"He's not my brother," Jaekyung said immediately.

"Huh?" Aren't you in your early twenties? The doctor asked in surprise and double-checked the papers. "And the patient is twenty-six.

— ... In any case, he's not my brother," the stubborn man insisted.

"Well, yes, as you say. Maybe not my brother," the doctor replied indifferently, folding the documents and tucking them under his armpit. "The condition does not require constant monitoring, so you can check out whenever you want. Even now, even after the drip.