Eighteen’s Bed

After getting home, I set down my bag and waited for the tutor who was due to arrive soon. In the meantime, I studied alone. Lately, though, I had also been talking more with my parents, who were usually away.

My parents, both involved in the trading business, were often away from home for about 300 days a year, but ever since Han Junwoo was taken away, they had been staying at home continuously. Upon their return, they saw me and suddenly said,

"Our son. There was a violent incident at your school, wasn't there? Are you okay?"

Despite being busy with work every day, my parents were surprisingly quick to pick up information about what was happening around me. Probably the parents were in touch with each other. For now, I changed into my slippers at the entrance. As I walked down the hall to the living room, my mother closely followed beside me.

"Me? Yes, I'm fine."

"No, not that, your friend, that boy."

"Ah. Junwoo..."

"Junwoo?"

The sound of the TV was audible. It was my father. Father, who is hard of hearing, tends to turn up the volume of all electronic devices a bit louder than others. Perhaps hearing our conversation, he turned down the TV volume.

"Who's Junwoo?"

"You know, the boy you were briefly friends with. The dark-skinned, tall one."

"Have I seen such a boy?"

"You know, 'that company's' son."

"Ah."

Father’s expression soured.

"Yeah, I've seen him, but I can't quite remember."

"He has a dark complexion. And he's tall."

"Then it must be him. Right."

"Did he get hurt a lot?"

"A bit... I did visit him in the hospital recently..."

"Well done."

Really well done? Despite saying 'well done,' his face wore a discomfited expression.

"Are you still hanging out with him a lot?"

'He', as if the term of address was getting increasingly lower.

"Just, you know..."

"Well, it's good to be friendly with classmates... Oh dear. Son, is there anything you want to eat?"

"Not really. Why? Is something going on?"

"It's not that. It's just, mom trusts you implicitly. I do trust you."

"No, these things need to be said clearly. Son, don't hang around that friend too much. Dad's worried."

The volume on the TV had now been lowered to a whisper. Father then turned his body to face me and said.

"Is he going abroad or something? Preparing for the SAT?"

"I'm not sure. He hasn't mentioned anything like that."

"So what is he planning to do then? President Han's son, from what I remember, he's terrible at studying. Just good at causing trouble. Yeah, that boy. I never liked him. What do you lack that you hang around with him? Seeing you influenced by his antics, I don't want to watch it."

"Right. Yeah. Dad’s right. Before, he used to call you out even at dawn... I heard it all from the maid. Mom stayed quiet because she trusted Jun, but honestly, she thinks he must be mocking you to do that."

Can you believe it? The strength drained from my shoulders. My bag strap slid off one side. This astonishing change was bewildering. Going out at dawn was one thing, but this unexpected anger towards Han Junwoo was because of it.

In fact, my parents neither particularly liked nor disliked Han Junwoo. Much of it had to do with his background. But why this sudden change?

"Why all of a sudden? What happened?"

My mother clenched her fists and yelled,

"It's because I'm upset and angry! If you keep hanging out with that kind of kid, I'm worried our son will be disregarded by others!"

Father cleared his throat, giving me a meaningful look.

"Listen to your mother. There's nothing wrong with listening to her."

Why did this sudden event occur? What did they hear about that day, and what else were they told to make them so angry? Whatever it was, it was neither good nor bad for me.

I adjusted the bag strap on my forearm and licked my lips once.

"It's okay. We're not that close anymore."@@novelbin@@

Fortunately, my answer seemed correct as it brought color back to their faces.

"Really? Is that so? Why so sudden? You used to be close."

"It just turned out that way."

Before my mother could ask further, I quickly turned towards the direction of the stairs.

"I’ll just put my bag down and come back."

And I freed my forearm that was caught. As I climbed the stairs to my room, I pondered what Go Yohan had told me before entering the house.

"Han Junwoo's house went bust. Totally broke."

…Really?

What I wondered more was why my parents were showing such an attitude towards me. Sure, the story about Han Junwoo is one thing, but why the disregard towards me? Did my parents always think that way about my relationship with Han Junwoo, or was it someone else who had conveyed such thoughts to them?

"Damn it…"

As thoughts continued to bubble up, I suddenly felt so angry that I punched the wall hard. The wall absorbed the sound, producing a less than satisfying noise. My frustration only grew. A sharp pain traveled up my arm from the heel of my palm that struck the wall. I pulled my hand away from the wall, grabbed the aching hand with the other, and collapsed onto the bed.

"Embarrassing. Fuck. Shit!"

Cursing, which I rarely did, felt awkward yet seemed the only way to relieve my frustration. Lying face down on the bed, I pounded it several times with my fist. Dust rose with the sound of the springs compressing. I sat up, grabbed a cushion from the end of the bed, and threw it. It hit the armrest of the sofa and bounced far away. I grimaced and grabbed my hair.

Shit.

Eventually, I stopped thrashing only after banging the back of my head against the bed's headboard. I took a deep breath. Trying to calm my ragged breathing, I breathed evenly. Then, I remembered the time when Han Junwoo and Go Yohan had gotten into a messy fight.

When Yohan had thrown a chair, Han Junwoo barely managed to dodge it hitting his face. But Yohan didn't stop there. He grabbed a desk that had lost its pair and hurled it at Han Junwoo. The desk hit Han Junwoo’s back as he was trying to get up. Han Junwoo fell along with the desk, and Yohan quickly sat on top of the fallen Han Junwoo and lightly touched his fist to his cheek.

"One, two."

And with his tongue pressed against the roof of his mouth, he swung his fist like a carpenter. With a sharp thud, his fist collided hard with the right cheek. The action was full of violence but appeared methodical and precise on the surface. It was hard to tell whether Go Yohan was grimacing in pain or smiling for some other reason; his expression was bizarre. But to me, it seemed like he was almost enjoying it.

Then I saw it. Go Yohan picking up Han Junwoo's lighter that had been rolling on the floor before hitting him. Even as Han Junwoo was being beaten, that lighter was still in Go Yohan's large hand. It was probably the reason why Han Junwoo lost two teeth.

‘Does this ragged bastard have no sense of hierarchy?’

This, ragged bastard...

Go Yohan's voice echoed in my head.

Suddenly, I looked at my right palm and then clenched it lightly.

I love myself too much. That’s why I never confessed my love for Han Junwoo, even though I loved him. I chose my own well-being over winning Han Junwoo’s heart. I hoped that once we graduated from high school, my feelings would dissipate like sand scattered by the wind—this desire originated from my concern for myself.

Because I loved myself more, I turned away from Han Junwoo. I cannot tolerate being unloved by everyone. In the tug-of-war of my emotions, Han Junwoo lost to me.

I screamed silently into my pillow as I buried my head back into the bed. Then, as if nothing had happened, I went downstairs to have dinner with a smile, joining my family.

"Our son, eat a lot."

"Yes."

The screams I had unleashed upstairs were gone, replaced by the calm of dining with my loving family.

Though my parents were often absent from home, I received more love than most children. Whether it was overprotection or not, I had no complaints about their way of loving. They gave me everything they could. Perhaps saddened by the thought of their son being left alone in the house, they tried to do everything they could for me.

Perhaps this blind love from my parents had been passed down to me. I realized this because of Han Junwoo. When I fall in love, I become blind. But when I think about my character objectively, I have a nature that mercilessly turns away from those who torment me. Perhaps my parents are not so different.

Therefore, I have never been cold to my parents, nor did I want to do anything to be hated by them.

***

I still attended school diligently, and as winter approached, Han Taesan’s face became as clear as a snow-covered winter. However, there was no sign of joy on his scar-free face.

Han Taesan still stole glances at me, and I continued to ignore him. Han Junwoo still had not returned. The homeroom teacher mentioned Han Junwoo's attendance when I met her in the staff room.

"I heard he's all better, but he seems to have trouble coming due to family issues."

I thought to myself, what does that have to do with me?

"That's serious."

"There’s also Junwoo's family situation..."

Seeing the concerned teacher, I remembered what Go Yohan had said. It really was true. Before winter arrived, Han Junwoo’s father had been arrested. Just as Go Yohan had said. Watching the news, my father had muttered to himself that it was about time. There must have been adult circumstances that I was not privy to.

The classroom had not settled down from the subtle unrest that had been brewing since Han Taesan's appearance. After the fall of Han Junwoo, the pyramid was shaking. The most noticeable change was the louder voices of Go Yohan and his friends, like now.

"Do you know the three most important things for a man?"

Kim Minho folded his fingers.

"Strength, money, and style."

"You only have strength, you pig."

Kim Seokmin teased Kim Minho loudly.

"Do you want to be beaten like a dog on a hot day? Huh? Want to be hit?"

Ever since Han Junwoo was labeled 'gay,' Go Yohan's group had been loud, but they had never been as openly disruptive as they were now, settling in the back of the classroom near the lockers, disturbing the study period. This situation was clearly 'Go Yohan’s victory.'

"Alright, study period isn't over yet. Be quiet!"

The ethics teacher banged on the desk with chalk and yelled, but Go Yohan’s group ignored him.

It’s just like a dog marking its territory. Messy and childish, but it’s an effective method. Indeed, Kim Minho and Kim Seokmin seemed more smug than usual. Go Yohan, the actual protagonist, remained quiet, however.

Frankly, Go Yohan wasn’t as good a top dog as Han Junwoo had been. As the highest in the hierarchy, a certain aloofness is necessary, but Go Yohan had left his squared cage untended. For that reason, this pyramid was quivering with checks and balances.

"Don’t disturb the kids' study!"

"Yes, sorry."

"Look at this guy, no sincerity in his apology."

"Ah, shit. Did he hear?"

"Quiet, quiet!"

"Yes."

"Crazy, idiot. Got scared."

Kim Minho chuckled, poking Kim Seokmin sitting next to him, not caring at all about the teacher's notice.

"Hey, want to die?"

Eventually, overwhelmed by the bluster of Kim Minho and Kim Seokmin, the ethics teacher sighed and rubbed his head.

"Jun, the teacher is going to step out for a bit, so can you take my textbook to the staff room?"

Why me again.

He left the classroom after dumping the shameless request to bring his book to the staff room desk on me. Damn it. I slowly got up and headed to the lectern, and as I passed by, Kim Minho said,

"You're so nice, you always get taken advantage of by the teachers."

"Shut up."

I warned Kim Minho as I glanced at him.

I had no choice but to fulfill the request and head to the staff room, and it was on my way back that I felt the need to go to the bathroom.

The restroom next to the staff room isn’t actually for staff. The staff restroom is next to the administration office, but since it's on the first floor, the teachers in charge of the second year found it inconvenient. Since the second-year classrooms are on the top floor, the fourth floor, the teachers in charge of the second year used the restroom in the corridor connecting the east and west wings, which is closest to the staff room, like a staff restroom. For the same reason, hardly any students used the restroom near the staff room. "Using the restroom next to the staff room" is a privilege that model students who complete errands given by a teacher can enjoy.

That's why I preferred to use this place; it was a matter of course. I confess in secret: even now, I feel a bit uncomfortable going to the men's restroom. Since my adolescence, when I could feel sexual shame on my own.

It was the moment I was about to open the door.

"Shut up."

I immediately stopped in my tracks and held my breath. From across the door, I heard a familiar voice.

"Did you see that fucker strutting around? The guy's a total joke."

"Crazy, you just mimicked Kang Jun right? It was spot on."

"Kang Jun, that bastard. His behavior is the epitome of cunning. In the first year, he clung to Han Junwoo, and as soon as Junwoo was overshadowed by Yohan, he slyly switched sides to Yohan. Isn't he just like a bat? Pretending to be all that while it's actually embarrassing to watch. Honestly, what's there to appreciate about him? Just looks slimy, acting all important because he believes he has backing."

"Well, that’s a bit harsh. Honestly, isn't Kang Jun one of the best-looking guys in our school? Plus, he’s rich and smart. That's probably why Junwoo was all over him."

"Was Junwoo all over him? He was just using him because he was useful. Everyone who hung around Junwoo knows that Kang Jun was just cleaning up after him."

"But Yohan seems to like Kang Jun."

"Stop nitpicking and shut your trap. Fuck. Whose friend are you?"

"Well, he's our Minho's friend, right? Honestly, Kang Jun is just some guy who got stuck in the middle of our fun. Okay? Hey, why are you like that? Are you mad? Are you?"

It was the same voices that had been happily chatting behind me in the classroom just an hour ago.

"I just really don't like that guy. Such an opportunist."

"Opportunist? You know some difficult words?"

"Fuck! Lee Seokhyeon! Stop interrupting and focus on what I’m saying!"

"So, you don't like Kang Jun, what are you going to do about it? What can you do?"

"Honestly, wasn’t it more fun when it was just us, Yohan, you, Kim Seokmin, and me? But then suddenly Kang Jun and that loser Park Dongchul got involved. It’s just messed up."

"Still, Park Dongchul is close to Seokmin. Consider Seokmin's feelings a bit."

From beyond the door, I heard Kim Minho's pained voice. He hesitated a bit, but soon a gruff voice rebutted loudly.

"Ah, no! That guy is clueless. Just clueless. Seokmin is so annoyed by Park Dongchul. He's just milking their middle school friendship. Seokmin told me yesterday how annoyed he is because Dongchul keeps following him around. Park Dongchul should hang out with his own friends instead of suddenly butting into ours..."

"Yeah, Choi Donghwan and Hong Huijun were just completely ditched. Absolutely no loyalty."

"Exactly! It’s so obvious why he wants to hang out with us, it's annoying."

"Park Dongchul is really annoying. Not fun at all, and there’s no benefit in having him around. I wish he’d just get the hint and leave. I got chills when he said he’d follow us to the PC room yesterday. Can’t he see we want to hang out just among ourselves?"

"I told you, that guy is clueless. I actually think Kang Jun should also back off on his own. Yohan is just being nice by accepting Kang Jun. Even if Park Dongchul is clueless, that guy definitely knows the score and still clings on. Isn’t it creepy?"

I could hear Kim Minho moving, his heavy footsteps echoing in the bathroom before spilling out into the hallway.

"Hey. Aren't you going to wash your hands?"

"I didn't touch anything. Kid."

"Ugh. Disgusting."

"I’m just going to smoke one and wash my hands later. Why bother washing twice? It’s more harmful to your health. Speaking of which, wanna smoke?"

"Sure. Let’s go to the incinerator."

"Hey. Wait. Aren’t you going to wash?"

"I’ll wash later. It’s bothersome."

"Ah, that’s some loyalty, dude."

As the two voices neared the door, I had already hidden behind the opposite side. I heard the two sets of footsteps hurriedly descending the stairs. Stepping out, I nonchalantly entered the bathroom to attend to my needs, thinking,

"Kim Minho and Lee Seokhyeon, the ones who dislike me."

It wasn’t scary or worrisome. The ranking fights that men typically go through from March to May. The lower floors are broad and stable; a person or two dropping out hardly matters. But the upper floors are different. The vacancy left by Han Junwoo had destabilized the pyramid, and the battle for positions had restarted. I was just sure of that. And I realized something else.

Washing my hands at the sink, I looked in the mirror.

"Was he being taken advantage of? No, he was used because he was useful. Everyone around Junwoo knows that Kang Jun was just his cleanup guy."

Fuck.

After leaving the bathroom, I returned to the classroom as usual. I pulled out my textbooks for the next class. The sharp edges brushed against my palm. Ouch. I felt a sudden sting and looked at my palm. A nail-shaped scratch was visible, turning red between the splits. I opened and closed my hand once, then sat down.

Right before class started, Kim Minho and Lee Seokhyeon entered, reeking of cigarette smoke. As Kim Minho rummaged through the lockers at the back, he turned around and suddenly asked me.

"Kang Jun, what’s next class?"

"Next? Social Studies."

"Fuck, gonna be dreamland again. Ah, when’s Art? Art’s seriously the best."

"Art is on Wednesday. But I heard it's self-study then."

"Really? For real? Ah fuck, that’s damn good."

Uh. Good. I nodded. And so the fourth period began.