Heretical Fishing

Book 4: Chapter 46: Menace

Beneath a cloudless sky and under the unimpressed stares of my friends, I beamed. “Let’s say, purely hypothetically, of course, that you were a smart, handsome, and humble leader...” I paused, giving them an assessing look. “Are you all following so far?”

“Yes, Fischer,” my unenthusiastic crowd drawled—with the exception of Ruby and Paul, who answered with the objectively correct amount of eagerness.

I shot them a wink. “Good. If you were that leader, and you had two furry friends—one of which was a magical dog with spacial powers, and the other being a pint-sized brawler with the ability to punch holes in boulders—what would you have had them do last night in order to preserve anything we caught?” Nobody spoke up immediately, so I added, “Perhaps atop a snow-covered mountain?”

“Ohhh!” Ruby was all smiles. “Cinnamon, being the capable brawler that she is, broke some ice up! Then she and Borks—who is also a good boy, might I add—stuffed it into his dimensional space before moving it into the hull?”

Borks, beset by excitement and an overwhelming feeling of belonging, howled his happiness to the heavens. He started shifting; his limbs couldn’t decide which canine form he should take. It would have been a terrifying sight on any other creature, but not on him. His tail, no matter which breed of dog it belonged to at any given second, never stopped wagging.

Unable to wait any longer, he bit the handle and threw the trapdoor open, revealing the darkened room within. As everyone stepped forward to have a peak, they saw the thick layer of ice covering every surface. There were tonnes of the stuff. Perhaps enough to sink a regular wooden ship back on Earth. Thankfully, the rules of physics were basically thrown out the window as soon as chi was involved—which Bob the boat possessed in excess.

A meaty hand landed on my shoulder, and I turned to look at my pal. “What’s up, Barry?”

“As chaotic as today has been, I think I have to say it. You did a good job. You two especially, Borks and Cinnamon.”

The former spun in circles, the latter—still impressively steady atop Borks’s back—gave him a self-assured grin, as if to say, I know; so what?

I hope you’re paying attention, Claws, I thought toward her. Today’s events should buy me weeks of good behavior.

Her responding pulse of chi told me I was annoying, she was incredibly busy, and I should stop bothering her.

Cheeky little git, I mused to myself, not missing the adoration that had come along with the hostile words. I sent one last message down our connection, reminding her that I loved her even though her very existence was a threat to the wellbeing of humanity. I hoped for an annoyed retort, the bait making her upset enough to reply with a string of vitriol and threats, but all she returned was a single word: yes.

She really must have been busy; that usually would have worked.

What are you up to over there, you little menace...?

***

Corporal Claws, bequeather of zaps and tamer of thieves, snorted. She was no mere menace—she was the menace. Similarly, Fischer, her beloved master and the man to whom she owned everything, was no mere silly billy. He was the silliest of billies.

Why would such a taunt have taken hold in the enhanced mind of Corporal Claws? She was too smart, too tricksy, too downright nimble-witted to fall for something so obvious. Besides... she had a secret.

Corporal Claws grinned, electricity running along the lines of her needle-sharp teeth. That she had successfully fooled her master made her tummy tingle with the flight of a billion, gajillion, reptili… an? That last word didn’t sound right. Whatever. Her victory made lots of fireflies seem to take flight in her stomach—which was remarkable considering she no longer had one.

Claws had made the ultimate gambit. She had lied to the one she held dearest in this world. And, blessedly, it had worked.

Fischer truly believed that she’d put chaos over the wellbeing of others. She would mess with them, of course. She already had plans upon plans upon plans to enact when the time was right. Like the eight of them involving Barry’s bed. Oh? She just thought of another—make that nine.

Still, there was a chasm between her machinations and any actions that would cause real harm... Well, except the one involving Ellis, a bag of flour, a and two dollops of passiona jam—that trick was simply too funny to abandon.

Some might be offended that their master—who just so happened to be their best friend—would believe they were capable of such selfishness. But not Claws. It was a badge of honor. A testament to how unpredictable she had become.

Her brilliance had been in changing her own aura. When Fischer assessed it, he saw only what she wanted him to. Ironically, she was only able to project an exaggerated version of chaos because of how chaotic she was. That thought made her head hurt, so she let it go.

One not as smart, soft-furred, and utterly brilliant as Claws might not have recognized this as the gamble she did, but that was only because they lacked imagination. If Fischer discovered that she was lying too soon, it would ruin the most important plan of all, and that was just unacceptable.

The weight of her secrets—and the possibility of her plans coming to fruition—made a wiggle start down in her smallest toe. As it spread to the rest of her body, the wiggle intensified, small arcs of electricity jolting out to strike the ground. Her grin from earlier never once disappeared, and it stretched wider now, her chittering laughter flying out toward the heavens. She even released a few bolts of lightning to make sure they got the message.

Despite her abject merriment, her eyes shot to the side, giving her apprentice a questioning glare. The familiar completely missed the memo, every ounce of his attention focused on the item between them. For his lack of awareness, Claws considered bowling him over a mountain or two. In the end, though, she decided against it. He was just following her instructions to meditate on the object, after all. Her reluctance to launch him had absolutely nothing to do with how fuzzy and adorable he was.

The two days or so that they’d been bonded had been nothing short of a delight—and that was before counting all the mischief they’d both caused and witnessed.

Claws had always been quietly curious about others’ relationships. Fischer was her best friend, but she still knew that her master’s bond to Maria was... stronger? No, that wasn’t right. Deeper...? Nope. Why were words so damned hard? It was different, and that was all the word that needed… wording.

Snips and Rocky had a similar relationship. Even before the latter returned from the ocean all explodey and cool, there had been a complicated dynamic at play, one with depths far beyond the mistress and masochist-crab facade visible on the surface.

Romantic relationships were as confusing to her as a good rock wasn’t; rocks were useful. They were tools to open oysters, shiny baubles with which to make others jealous, and projectiles you could throw at children or the elderly.

She sent that last one to Fischer, who responded by telling her it wasn’t funny. He was wrong, though. It was funny. She made her laugh grow louder to prove it. But Claws was only kidding, of course. What kind of freak would assault kids or old people? Neither made good targets. Youngins were too small, oldies too slow. A large crab—preferably awakened? Now that was the ideal prey.

Though romantic examples came to mind when thinking of different relationships, her connection to the raccoon definitely wasn’t that. He was a kindred spirit, so closely aligned that their cores had essentially become one. She might never fully comprehend what it felt like to love someone romantically, but her fuzzy familiar helped her understand it better.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

Their relationship was... profound. Something that she would never take for granted. It made a deep well of gratitude overflow within her core.

It had only been seconds since she started laughing, and as her appreciation for him overflowed, she decided against launching him into the sky for the crime he was currently committing. Corporal Claws, maiden of the pond and most benevolent of leaders, bopped him on the cheek instead.

Laugh when I laugh! she ordered with a chirp.

The tiny mammal absorbed the strike and turned it into an end-over-end somersault that just didn’t quit.

Yes boss! he chittered back when he finally stuck the landed, giving her a salute. Sorry boss!

Appeased, Claws shifted her tooshie to get comfortable, then resumed her merriment. Her familiar joined in, his low tones combining with her high ones as electricity arced between them. They looked at each other, then at the object of their study, and then at the sky, their core vibrating with undeniable certainty.

The next few days were going to be a gods-damned blast.

***

I shook my head, unable to hide my exasperation. Children and the elderly?

I really have to ensure my actions hit her chaos quota, I thought.

“What’s up?” Barry asked, likely sensing my doubt.

“Corporal Claws, Barry. Corporal Claws.”

“Ahhh. Say no more.” He paused, his head tilting to the side. “Want my advice on the matter?”

“Mate... pretty sure you’ve been the target of more pranks than anyone else. I think I’m be obligated to listen to your opinion even if I didn’t want to.”

“In that case… I’d never say as much to his face, but there’s something a wise, annoying, and incredibly humble fisherman once said to me.”

“You’re right—best not to say it directly. Might ruin his humble streak.”

“Precisely. I doubt that’s possible—he’s supremely humble, you see, possibly the humblest—but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”

I nodded sagely. “So... what did he say? What grand profundity did he heap upon you?”

“It’s hard to distill it down into a single sentence, but the gist of it was this: there’s no point in focusing on things outside of your control. It’s human nature to get stuck in our own head, and instead of letting your worries twist and build into an unstoppable cyclone of anxiety, one should focus on the present.”

He gestured at the objects arrayed before us on the deck. I gazed down at the broken hook and all the lines that had been severed. In a circle around me, everyone else onboard smiled or nodded my way. Ruby raised a cup of water in a salute that was only half-mocking. I returned the gesture as I tried to take the words, which were evidently my own, to heart. “Thanks, Barry. That’s actually a helpful remind—”

“Or,” he interrupted, voice commanding. “You could use another piece of wisdom he gave me, which I believe is equally applicable.” He let a silence hang, and anticipation rose all around us. Finally, he spread his arms wide and proclaimed with grand intonation, “Shut the frack up, you peanut!”

Ruby did a spit-take, spraying water all over the deck. “Sorry!” she coughed, thumping her chest as she choke-laughed. “Thought he was actually going to drop some wisdom there.”

“Not so fast, my impregnated companion.” I rubbed my chin as if lost in speculation. “It might be more profound than it appear—”

“Fischer…” Ruby’s coughing subsided in an instant. “Please don’t ever call me that again.”

“I’m sorry.” I shook my head at Ruby, feigning dismay. “The absolute heat that speaker Barry just dropped has left my brain scorched and unable to process more requests.” I turned to the side. “Speaker Barry, I beg of you, please record the words of my impregnated companion for my later perusa—”

I cut off as I dove to the deck, the pregnant cultivator’s fly-kick going through the air where my neck had been a moment earlier. “On second thought—” I rolled sideways, dodging her sweeping leg. “The room to consider your request just got freed up!”

Thirty seconds and almost as many evasive maneuvers later, I’d managed to apologize enough for Ruby to hear me out.

“Say it,” she demanded, arms crossed and face even crosser.

“But... the words are in the sentence! It’s impossible!”

Steven leaned in toward her. “He’s right, you know.”

She tsked. “I was hoping he wouldn’t notice. Fine. You have five seconds of immunity. Startinggg...” I took a deep breath as she dragged the word out. “Now!”

“I Fischer leader of Tropica and king of the pricks do so solemnly swear to not use the word ‘impregnate’ or any derivative thereof within the presence of his dear and kind friend Ruby for the rest of time!” I took a gasping breath, having got past the now-forbidden word in time. “I agree that doing so will entitle to her a punishment of her choosing, which I must obey within the timeframe specified, so long as it is in my power and will not cause harm to any other.”

She gave me a sickly sweet expression. “Good boy.”

Those same words from Maria been a source of banter between us. From Ruby, it made a shiver run down my spine.

Jumping to my feet and seeking any distraction possible, I returned to the cut lengths of line, holding all of their severed ends up before my eyes. With my other hand, I lifted the hook, my gaze shifting back and forth.

“So?” Barry asked as he squatted beside me, his brow furrowed. “What do you think?”

“Honestly? I can’t say for certain, but I do have my suspicions.” Someone behind me was absolutely vibrating with energy, so I turned toward her. “Any thoughts?”

Bonnie knelt down to see them better. “It’s... not impossible for a squid to have cut the lines. I got a pretty good look at my one’s beak—it could easily detach the limb of a regular human.”

“But...?” I prompted.

“But I don’t think they did.” She poked the severed line ends with the tip of her index finger. “All of them are cut at a sharp angle. Wouldn’t the beaks slice them more flush? At least one of them should have. Also, the way they were hooked... I suspect that our bait didn’t draw them in.”

“Exactly! Which can only mean one thing, right?”

We both grinned at each other, our desires for adventure building off one another, growing until I could hardly sit still.

“Okay,” Ruby interrupted. “I’ll take the hit, because you all look as confused as I feel. Fischer, what in Hade’s burning realm are you two talking about?”

“Oh! Sorry!” I held up the hook, displaying the jagged edge where the metal had been either chewed or sliced through. “So, we can all agree that whatever I hooked was an absolute monstrosity, yeah? At first, I thought it might be just a big squid—is that what you all assumed too?”

“To be honest with you, Fischer,” Fergus said, “I’ve been trying not to think about it at all. If I were you, I’d have immediately scanned the water with my chi to make sure an abyssal demon wasn’t about to bite poor Bob in half.”

“If we’re all being sincere...” Barry gave me an apologetic smile. “I did scan the water for it as soon as I saw your hook. Sorry. If I’d found it, I wouldn’t have told you, Fischer. Well, okay, that was a lie. I’d have told you if I thought it was actually a threat, but the point is moot.” He shrugged. “I found nothing.”

“Oof. You wound me.”

He just gestured towards Paul. Then, with just as much emphasis, he pointed at his wedding band—perhaps not wanting to speak Helen’s name for fear of invoking her wrath—to remind me that his wife would have his hide if he let any risk or harm come to their son.

“Just playing,” I said. “Back to the abyssal demon or whatever. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t a squid at all. What I think—” I nodded toward Bonnie. “What we think, is that it was something else. Something large enough to both hunt the squid, and eat them whole, severing the line beyond.”

A silence stretched settled over the deck, only interrupted by small waves lapping at the hull. Slowly, Barry raised his hand.

“Yes?” I asked.

“I’d like to request an immediate return to Tropica.”

“Denied.”

“Fair enough. I do wanna stay, but my promise to Helen made me to ask.”

At her name, I flinched, then stared at the sky as if she would crash down from the heavens at any moment. Rather than roll his eyes at me, Barry joined in, both of us scanning the clouds with narrowed gazes and slight smiles.

“For what it’s worth,” I said, “I promise I’ll keep everyone safe. You can feel the power beneath us, right?”

“I can.”

“Well I can’t,” Ruby complained. “And if you keep talking in riddles, I’m going to throw myself overboard.”

I barked a laugh. “Sorry. Barry can feel my Domain—we’re still within its bounds. Anything wanting to start a tussle with us will have to challenge a continent’s worth of chi.”

“And the degenerate that wields it,” Barry mumbled. He took a deep breath, held it for a handful of seconds, then let it out in a rush. “Okay. I can accept that. But what’s next?”

“What’s next?” I cocked my head to the side as I stood. “That’s a silly question.”

“It... it’s really not.”

“Sure it is!” I snapped my fingers. “Tell him, Rubes!”

Ruby, all smiles once more, let out a ponderous hmmm. “It’s just past noon, correct?”

“Uh-huh!”

“And our captain is ubiquitously known as a heretic.”

I flicked my straw hat. “Yuuup!”

“He’s also, as previously stated, a degenerate.”

“Hey, let’s not be hasty. I don’t see what that has to do with—”

“Most important of all!” she continued, barrelling over my complaint as she marched across the deck. “We have enough squid within the hull to feed an entire village—or our heretical, degenerate captain—for two days.”

“Now you’re just spreading baseless rumours. I don’t think—”

She reached the hatch and threw it open, the loud thunk it made cutting me off. “By all these facts combined, I declare that it is time for lunch!”

“Finally, something we can all agree on!” I leaped to my feet and marched toward the cabin. “I’ll fetch the barbie—I already have a few different flavor combos in mind!”