I Became the Academy’s Kibitz Villain

“There’s no way to respond if an S-class hero behaves like that.”

I leisurely drank tea while watching the broadcast of Baek Seol-hee’s antics downstairs on the TV in her room.

“Oppa, aren’t you worried?”

“I’m more worried about how you teleported into this room.”

Yumir had teleported into Baek Seol-hee’s room and cast a barrier.

“People might think it’s Baek Seol-hee’s barrier, but if an S-class hero suddenly breaks through the door and sees you, they’d freak out.”

“They’d probably be more surprised to see you alive after spending all night with an S-class hero.”

“Me? Why?”

“Because everyone thinks you’re dead.”

No wonder, since Baek Seol-hee made it seem like a given that she was pregnant by squeaking the bed until dawn.

She had kidnapped me around 8 p.m., and during the hours when people should be asleep, the bed vibrations caused shock and horror to anyone within earshot.

Of course, it wasn’t just her.

I joined in, and if you were to assign credit for the effort, about 97% of the bed’s movements could be attributed to me.

But that all happened inside the room.

For those outside, all they could perceive were the vibrations and scraping noises from the bed.

Even intentionally loud moans didn’t make it through the walls, leaving people to let their imaginations run wild.

Some logically and rationally believed,

“It’s Baek Seol-hee faking patriotic diligence by dragging the bed all night with magic!”

Others, abandoning logic altogether, joked,

“LOL, how much did they even do until dawn?!”

While the former might seem more reasonable, the truth leaned closer to the latter.

No, it was the latter.

Although it wasn’t Baek Seol-hee eating me up—it was me eating her up—the loud scraping noises would have prompted hotel complaints had regular guests been staying below.

[Did you seriously tie him up and force yourself on him?]

[No, I said it was consensual.]

[No one held an ice dagger to anyone’s throat, then?]

[I only suggested, “If you don’t want to, I’ll just pick another guy.”]

This story, mixed with slight fabrications, was spreading far and wide through Baek Seol-hee’s words.

[Ms. Baek Seol-hee, how many times did you actually do it?]

[Not sure.]

[Not sure?]

[Time flew by… Honestly, it was only when the sun rose that I realized it was morning.]

“That’s a lie, isn’t it? Look at her putting on a show.”

“It’s true. She only realized it was dawn when the darkness outside lifted.”

“Wow… So, you went at it until morning?”

“No.”

There were ways to avoid making creaking noises.

And, as an ability user, Baek Seol-hee fully utilized her powers to prepare herself in under a minute with the help of magic.

[Could there be a dead body in Baek Seol-hee’s room? Did she drain his life force so completely he couldn’t even come out? Isn’t this like a boxing match between a pro and someone with chronic health issues?]

[I’m not sure about that, but I think I have pretty good instincts for picking men. Reporter, you’re a guy, right? I’ve only seen a guy’s thing once, so I’m not sure, but is this size big?]

Baek Seol-hee lightly raised her hand, delivering a metaphorical punch to the reporter.

“Wow, is she insulting him?”

“No, she’s boasting about her ‘bat.’”

“…Seol-hee unnie’s arm is thin, so maybe not the length, but the thickness?”

“Even if she didn’t show the exact size, that one gesture was performance enough.”

The press conference descended into shock and awe.

[How could a man’s size…!]

[This must be the true transcendence…!]

[So race really wasn’t the issue?! What I thought was random selection turned out to be S-class-level instinct in picking the world’s best man!]

The overwhelming imagery of unparalleled size threw the audience into chaos.

[Ms. Baek Seol-hee, how would you compare Mr. Do Ji-hwan to a vegetable?]

[More like an eggplant than a banana, cucumber, or carrot. Let’s just call it a bat.]

“Oppa, breaking news. ‘Do Ji-hwan, is his true ability EX-class physique?’”

“Not inaccurate. It’s not like it’s some magic-fueled scam.”

“Agreed.”

Yumir nodded, and the other executives would fully agree too.

For the villain Goblin, his top three assets were his ability to create anything, unparalleled imagination, and his ‘goblin bat.’

[So, Ms. Baek Seol-hee, are you saying you got pregnant after doing it with someone who’s almost 20, or perhaps older than 20?]

[Saying I’m pregnant might be a bit premature. We’ll have to wait and see if it happens after one month, or longer.]

[…So, are you saying you’ll keep him by your side in the meantime?]

[Yes. I’ll know for sure if I miss my period.]

“Won’t the broadcast crash?”

“No, it’s Baek Seol-hee fan club members’ sanity that’ll crash. Their idol, overnight, becoming unable to ride on a unicorn.”

“…That did cross my mind while doing it.”

Ability users were akin to celebrities in real life.

Just a dating rumor could shake fans; imagine their reaction to a scandal sparked by the hero herself.

Even waking up in the morning and saying, “That was my first such happy experience,” while thinking about having a child?

“If there’s a Baek Seol-hee fan among the ability users, it wouldn’t be surprising if one of them turned into a demon. Even now.”

“…Do you think they might actually become a demon?”

“Who knows. If they do, they’d be aiming for one of two things.”

I tapped on my Taeguk Watch to check online reactions.

"Kill Do Ji-hwan."

"How could a mere non-ability user touch our Princess Baek?"

ㄴ "He’s the prince who came to wake up the Sleeping Beauty~"

ㄴ "Why are you upset when you’re the type to replace your online heroes with every new, young, and pretty one? Did you seriously think you’d end up with Baek Seol-hee?"

ㄴ "Shut up."

ㄴ "Why are you so bitter about the man Baek Seol-hee chose? Jealous? So, does your bat even compare to Baek Seol-hee’s arm? Judging by your words, it’s probably not even a finger."

ㄴ "You’re not Baek Seol-hee’s prince~ He’s the real prince."

“Some are saying I was basically kidnapped and coerced but ended up agreeing to Baek Seol-hee’s proposal anyway.”

Whether Baek Seol-hee dragged an unconscious man into the room and confined him with a barrier or not, the first man to spend the night with Baek Seol-hee was Do Ji-hwan.

Even though he’s not an ability user, a “Do Ji-hwan” entry has been created on the Hero Wiki. It’s being updated in real-time with content like, “His size is rumored to be bat-level. Based on the length and thickness of Baek Seol-hee’s arm, it’s estimated to be around 2–.”

"That guy was just a spoiled parachute who hung out in the library basement doing nothing."

ㄴ "Turns out there was a reason for his idling, lol. Guess he was planning to leech off a woman."

ㄴ "Do Ji-hwan’s filthy pillar…"

ㄴ "What even made it filthy? Was it the pure and clean red? Or the foamy white?"

ㄴ "What are you guys saying on a platform kids visit?"

ㄴ "Kids these days know everything, though?"

"So, in conclusion, we just need to kill Do Ji-hwan?"

ㄴ "If you kill Do Ji-hwan, Baek Seol-hee will probably come kill you next."

ㄴ "Oh no, Do Ji-hwan’s broken! Oh no, can’t find anything bigger anymore… Guess I’ll have to head to Africa to search for something even bigger!"

ㄴ "Looks like the Black Snow Princess is on the brink of corruption. Bet they’ll send an assassin from America to take out Do Ji-hwan."

Naturally, there was a mix of pure jealousy and fury toward Do Ji-hwan and others contemplating how to turn his death into a gain for themselves.

And then:

"Why the hell did the Ministry of Defense send some pregnancy summons to Baek Seol-hee and push her into messing with Do Ji-hwan in the first place?"

Another government agency, lumped in with Do Ji-hwan, was also taking heavy flak.

“Shall we start stirring things up? Ah, Brewer?”

[This is Brewer. Everyone’s ready at their keyboards.]

Using the Taeguk Watch from the Secret Society, I timed my moves with Brewer.

“While Baek Seol-hee’s drawing attention up front, it’s our turn to stir things up elsewhere. For example…”

Why not go big?

“Let’s start by saying Haegneul Group brought in an S-class ability user from abroad to pair them with Baek Seol-hee.”

We could blow up both the S-classes gathered in Jeju Island and Haegneul Group in one fell swoop.

“The Minister of Defense, under Haegneul’s orders, issued the pregnancy summons to set up Baek Seol-hee with a foreign S-class male ability user in Jeju.”

The truth didn’t matter.

“So Baek Seol-hee got pissed and decided to grab any Korean guy nearby to get pregnant instead.”

What matters was this:

‘The essence of online battles is propaganda and fabrication.’

What people accepted as fact.

And then:

“Still, isn’t a homegrown wild stallion better than an imported stud horse from a corporation?”

With a dash of patriotism.