I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

Chapter 303

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◈ I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

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The Agitator II

There is a hypothesis called the Black Cat, White Cat theory.

"It doesn't matter if it's a black cat or a white cat as long as it catches mice, right?"

A truly pragmatic way of thinking.

I, the Undertaker, am a living witness to the depravity of Anomalies, the one who has been tormented by Anomalies more than anyone else and the one who hates Anomalies more than anyone in the world, yet I declare:

"As long as it helps prevent the end of the world, it doesn't matter if it's an Anomaly or not!"

A prime example of this would be the Tutorial Fairy No. 264, a nightmare made flesh. Before I intervened, the Tutorial Fairies were practically the vanguard of human extinction.

But now? Now, all the Tutorial Fairies have been hired as regular workers at a casino in the Inunaki Tunnel, working day and night for the customers. Thanks to these fairy workers, the economy of the Korean Peninsula is thriving. Casino chips are even linked to the Korean won.

The same went for Mo Gwang-seo. If it weren't for the fanatical faith gathered by the Resurrection Anomaly, how could we have withstood the relentless onslaught of the Monster Wave?

Therefore, it's a mistake to reject Anomalies outright just because they're Anomalies. Only by breaking free from such narrow-minded prejudices and adopting a truly pragmatic way of thinking can humanity finally see the light.

So, in conclusion, what I want to say is...

"Commander Noh, let's not be too haste with this. Is the Supreme Leader Anomaly really all that bad? Up North, they already worship Mo Gwang-seo as a god and Ah-ryeon as a saintess. Wouldn't it be better for you to ascend as the Supreme Leader, Commander Noh, promising happiness and comfort to the citizens of the North?"

"Get on your knees..."

"Okay."

Most days, I was Do-hwa's PT instructor, but for about three hours that day, she subjected me to intense exercise in a so-called-instructor reversal card.

"You stink, so go wash up..."

"Okay."

Having reached the pinnacle of Aura, my body emitted no odor whatsoever. While I was entirely confident I could logically explain this, whether rational thinking would work on Do-hwa in her current state was another question.

After a quick shower, I returned to find Do-hwa, now calm and sitting in a chair.

"Sit down..." she ordered.

"There's only one chair?"

"So?"

"Okay."

Scratch that. It didn't seem like her anger had subsided much.

I assumed the traditional East Asian sitting posture, so traditional that its name of "seiza" literally meant “the proper way of sitting.”[1] Not because I wanted to avoid being strangled to death by Do-hwa again, of course. No, I, the Undertaker, am simply a person of utmost integrity who always hold their chest high and, thus, has no round shoulders or pelvic disc issues.

"Yesterday, I thought I'd give my lungs some fresh air, so I went to the Jagalchi Market at dawn. There's a merchant there from Wonsan who sells bingsu..."

"Ah, yes. The cinnamon flavor is a bit strong, but that's what makes it appealing, so it's popular despite the high price."

"But then, damn it, the merchant had a cart with my portrait prominently displayed... Huh. When I asked for just one bingsu, do you know how the merchant reacted to me?"

Saintess, help! Saintess!

[“Commander Noh, it is the honor of a lifetime—no, of three lifetimes—to have you visit our humble shop. We don't need money. Please, may you live ten thousand years in good health...”]

[...he shouted so loudly that it seemed like the dawn sky would fall, and everyone turned to watch and then they clapped.]

[And Mr. Undertaker. Please refrain from pulling the “Help me, Saintess” card for such trivial matters.]

I put on a solemn expression. "I can roughly guess. Commander Noh, you were so pleased to visit the shop, and such praise—"

"Did you just fucking ask the Yongsan girl?"

"Huh? No, what are you talking about? Even if I made a mistake, please refrain from making baseless accusations. Do you have any evidence to back your claim?"

"Then fuck. You were silent for over 20 seconds and then suddenly started babbling. Were you talking to the Saintess, huh? Or what?"

Oh no!

No matter how freely the Saintess can use Time Stop, she still needs time to pass to convey information to me. Did she exploit that weakness?

Do-hwa, you scary brat!

"My only joy in visiting Jagalchi Market was to enjoy the bingsu sold by that displaced person while taking in the dawn air. You ruined one of my five hobbies. What are you going to do about it?"

"As expected of Supreme Leader Commander Noh. Even at your age, you still have four hobbies. It's touching to see you caring for your mental health, inspiring the hearts of the people."

"Kneel."

"Okay."

Once again, I entered the reversal world, filmed an isekai trip for 30 minutes, and returned. And as sequels in a series usually went, the next iteration of our conversation followed the same clichés as the previous work.

https://dsc.gg/reapercomics

Do-hwa sighed.

"Awakener Undertaker. If this damn Anomaly were confined to the North, it might be one thing, but what if it starts spreading to the surrounding area?"

It wasn't an unfounded worry. Though it might seem surprising to many, there was a time in the South when it was fashionable to decorate everything with the president's portrait.

Considering that Anomalies enjoy twisting space and time like yarn, it's possible that a Supreme Leader unifying the South and North might actually descend.

So then... Noh Do-hwa was destined to become the king of the Korean Peninsula. Would George Orwell's Eastasia be born under Do-hwa's fingertips?[2] Could the conclusion of this long regression story really be a unification ending? Who could have predicted that?

Then, I noticed the silence.

"I wasn't thinking anything just now, Commander Noh."

"And I didn't say anything, yet you're defending yourself as if you were caught daydreaming about something not worth my time..."

"I've been asking you to stop with the baseless accusations. I was just thinking about how to defeat this big sis— no, Big Sister Anomaly."

"Oh?" she asked, then smirked. "Good. Let's hear your brilliant strategy. If you haven't been wasting your life on the internet, surely something will flow from that mouth of yours..."

Of course I had thought about it. Specifically, I had thought about it all the way from Pyongyang to Busan.

Descartes said, "I think, therefore I am," but in my case, I've evolved one step further to "I must think, or I'll die."

In terms of desperation and earnestness, I'm on a different level from that Frenchman.

"First, let's take down all the propaganda videos on SG Net. We'll also order the agents dispatched to each city to stop their missions."

"Hmm..."

"That should put out the immediate fire."

It worked.

The fervor for Do-hwa that had spread like wildfire across the Korean Peninsula came to an abrupt halt. With a single stop command, the entire country held its breath.

But do you know what? The deeper you breathe in, the stronger the storm when you exhale.

- Dear citizens. How are you?

- This is Noh Do-hwa, the first commander of the National Road Management Corps.

Exactly one week later, a voice crackling with static began to emanate from smartphones that had been turned off. And it wasn't just smartphones either.

- Starting this evening, I, the commander, wish to spend my days in simple bliss with all of you who have finished your hard work and returned home.

- In this cold winter, I hope you have a warm brazier or stove by your side.

The same voice was broadcast simultaneously from the televisions in every neighborhood and from the radios, one of the few remnants of civilized life in this apocalypse.

Of course, it wasn't Do-hwa herself who was broadcasting. It was an Anomaly.

- If you don't have a brazier, perhaps my voice can provide a little warmth by your side.

- Hence, this campfire side chat. Or perhaps the chat on the roadside.

- Coincidentally, my name is also Noh Do-hwa, which stands for the Path of Turbulent Waters, so it's a fitting name.

- Now, let's connect with Mr. Park Wi-ryeong, a fisherman from Sinuiju.

- Hello, Commander.

- Ahaha. Yes, hello.

It was insane.

I immediately dropped everything and ran to the National Road Management Corps. Do-hwa, who never learned the concept of leaving work, greeted me at headquarters.

"You! You fucking bastard—"

"Stop! Commander Noh, I fully understand your desire to criticize me, but isn't this the time to join forces and defeat the Anomaly?"

"You fucking bas—"

"One Wish Ticket! I'll give you one Wish Ticket!"

"Die!"

"We're all going to die eventually anyway! Just wait 15 years!"

After a diplomatic exchange of words that had become a habit between us, we moved on to practical countermeasures.

"In retrospect, Commander Noh, hastily taking down the propaganda videos was a bad move. In George Orwell's 1984, Big Brother was already a dead figure. He only lived on as an icon."

"So what?"

"The moment the documentary videos of Commander Noh were taken down, the Anomalous entity known as The Supreme Leader Big Sister: Noh Do-hwa separated and began to exist on its own."

"What kind of bullshit is that?"

"Anomalies are notorious for ignoring copyright. Anyway, this phenomenon has its advantages as well as disadvantages."

"Advantages? What advantages? Oh, the fact that the thing on your neck is just a decoration has been academically proven?"

"No. The Anomaly has revealed its true form."

Originally, these mind-control-type Anomalies were the most troublesome because they existed without a physical form. Just think of She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, the pink entity is everywhere and nowhere.

"From the perspective of evolution, strengths and weaknesses are two sides of the same coin. Big Sister has taken control of all communication media on the Korean Peninsula, but at the same time, she is bound by them."

"Ah." Do-hwa's pitch-black eyes gleamed. "Good. Let's confiscate and destroy all smartphones, radios, and televisions..."

"Wait! If we confiscate smartphones, we can't use SG Net!"

"So what? It's actually better this way. I was sick of seeing Awakeners clinging to their phones even as civilization crumbled..."

Damn it, this is why I hate ordinary people who don't waste their lives on the internet and are devoted to their real lives!

"If SG Net collapses, the credibility of the Constellations will decrease, the connection between Awakeners will weaken, and sharing strategies will become difficult! Seo Gyu will lose his job, and Ah-ryeon will fall into Corruption! You haven't seen the insane side of Ah-ryeon!"

"She’s always out of it..."

"The Sim Ah-ryeon you see is still a decent person. In the 402nd cycle, an Internet Censorship Anomaly appeared. SG Net access was down. Back then, Sim Ah-ryeon incited all the former believers of the Eastern Holy State to start the Saintess Rebellion."

"This is insane, really..."

"So please, hold on. Commander. I have a better plan."

Do-hwa shot me a sidelong glance.

Our relationship had long reached the level of mutual understanding. In short, I could intuitively sense that her current gaze implied, "Lately, every time I accept this guy's plans, the situation only seems to get worse instead of improving."

"This time is really different," I insisted.

"Hmm..."

"I've been studying mind-control type Anomalies for over a thousand years. Although I couldn't defeat Go Yuri, the most powerful enemy, most mind-control Anomalies wouldn't dare touch a single hair on my head."

"Right now, it seems like you're being touched so much that you're almost going bald..."

"Especially with media like radios, it's my specialty. Who developed all the methods for operating radio broadcast channels, using walkie-talkies, and preserving televisions? Me,” I said confidently. “That's right, me, the Anomaly expert of the end times, the Undertaker. I'll crush that Big Sister or whatever Anomaly flat. Trust me and lead the National Road Management Corps with your usual brand of calmness."

Do-hwa took off her glasses, then blew on them and wiped them clean. By the time she put them back on, the lenses gleamed with new light. Her equally sparkling eyes looked at me.

"This is really the last time. You owe me, you know..."

"Of course."

A Lannister always pays his debts.[3]

I tightened my coat and headed for my destination.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

Propaganda for propaganda.

In this desolate apocalypse of the Korean Peninsula, was there any other pioneer of image advertising?

I was heading towards the legend of propaganda, already cross-verified through long regression experiences.

"This is the reason you must become the number one idol of the Three Hans from now on. Dang Seo-rin. Make me your producer."

"Okay. I see. Undertaker, are you crazy?"

Footnotes:

[1] As stated, seiza is a traditional Japanese way of sitting where you go down your knees and sit on your feet. It is often used in formal or ceremonial settings.

[2] In George Orwell’s novel 1984, Eastasia is one of three totalitarian governments that rule the world. It is made up of "China and the countries south to it, the Japanese islands, and a large but fluctuating portion of Manchuria, Mongolia and Tibet."

[3] A Game of Thrones reference. The saying is a common catch phrase associated with House Lannister, who have deep pockets and do favors for those who treat them well.