Kitsune in the Shadows

Chapter 85 – When the Silence Breaks

Before leaving the restaurant, Ava asked if we owed them anything, but the waiter said that it had already been covered. With that confirmation, we left the restaurant and just started aimlessly walking down the street.

“I’m sorry that happened,” Ava said as she took my hand, “And right after you did so well with Elenia… I just…”

It wasn’t your fault.

I squeezed her hand in an attempt to tell her that I was fine.

“I still don’t even really know what happened in there,” She just continued speaking as if she didn’t notice what I did, “She just barged in on our lunch, told us every single thing we’ve done since we arrived, then offered us an obscene amount of money to work for her? None of it made any sense… The only good thing about it was the food.”

She continued to walk, practically dragging me along with her as she narrowly avoided the oncoming people. She didn’t seem to have a destination in mind; she just kept moving.

“They said that the seafood they used was caught locally, didn’t they?” She asked, “We could go have a look at some local fishmongers. Maybe I’ll be able to recreate the dish! I don’t have the recipe, but I’m sure I can at least figure out something close. I should at least be able to do that much. It can help take our minds off of what just happened with Cattleya, and then we can-” She stopped herself, “What am I doing? That’s just what I want to do; we already did that yesterday. Today should be about you. A-A reward. Not me dragging you around like this.”

“Ava, it’s okay,” I whispered in an attempt to calm her down.

This wasn’t like Ava. She always had a smile on her face, no matter what was happening. The only other time I could remember her acting like that was now two years behind us, back when we accidentally ran into that knight and I… But this was nothing like that, at least not for me.

“No, it’s not okay,” She stopped walking and turned towards me, “Tell me. What do you want to do? It can be anything, even something small.”

“But you wanted to-”

“It doesn’t matter what I wanted to do, alright? The fishmonger will still be there tomorrow and the day after that. Right now, I want you to decide what we’re going to do.” As she spoke, I could see that she was now forcing herself to smile.

…

She isn’t going to let this go…

But I don’t know what to say… I just… don’t know…

…

What do I want to do?

…

I need to buy the clothes for Ovia… but I don’t think that’s the answer she wants…

…

No matter how much I thought about it, I couldn’t come up with something that I really wanted to do at that moment.

…

I… I want to… know more…

But what does that even mean?

…

…

I want to know more about the village…

I want to know more about Cattleya and those fangs…

I want to know more about the mana deficit she mentioned…

…

But how am I supposed to say that?

“It can be absolutely anything, okay?” She said, “Just something that you really want to do, even if it’s difficult… because, right now, that’s what I want to do too. I simply want to do whatever you want to do.”

Right at that moment, a familiar feeling suddenly came over me. The feeling of being watched was back. I knew it was Cattleya, but that didn’t change anything. I looked around, trying to find her but couldn’t.

Wait! What am I doing?

I need to answer!

“I… I…” My mind raced to put something together, anything, but I just couldn’t, “I don’t know.”@@novelbin@@

“But there has to be something you want to do. At least something that you like doing… I can put something together then,” She thought for only a moment, “Back when we were in Casgolau, you used to sketch in your notebook all the time, but I haven’t seen you bring it out since we left. Is that something you would like to do? There are lots of interesting places around here. I’m sure I could find somewhere for us to sit down and-”

“Ava,” I interrupted, “I… I don’t know… I really don’t know.”

…

In that moment, when I raised my voice just a little, something… changed. I didn’t know what it was, and I couldn’t put a name to it. I just knew that something inside of me had finally started to boil over.

“I don’t know anything,” The words started coming out by themselves.

I didn’t know if it was because of how Ava was acting or maybe because of what just happened with Cattleya barging in on us. It could have started back when I asked Elenia about the village, or even long before then… just whatever it was… wasn’t staying down… no matter what I wanted.

“I don’t know what I want to do!” My voice kept getting louder.

It didn’t matter what caused it. It didn’t matter that we were in public. It didn’t matter that people were already turning their heads to watch. It didn’t matter that I knew Cattleya was watching from somewhere. It didn’t even matter that I knew Ovia would be watching me.

“I don’t know what I like!”

In that moment, nothing seemed to matter apart from the words leaving my mouth.

“I don’t even know who I am!”

Ava tried to reach out to me, but I pulled away.

“I… I just… I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I wanted to come here. I was happy before,” Even though I knew I was going to regret the words I was saying, I was already long past stopping myself, “I didn’t have to think about all these… these… things. Every day, I just had you, Umbra, Ovia, Aria and… Mom… It was good. I didn’t have to deal with all these… these feelings… I just had to wake up each day. And that was good enough for me. I don’t know why I decided to leave all that behind… I can’t even go back to it now. I know she isn’t there waiting anymore. I’m just… I… I don’t know anymore.”

It was only once I managed those last few words that I began to realise the state I was in. My breathing was heavy, my hands were sweaty, yet somehow, through everything, my cheeks remained dry… although I didn’t know how much longer that would be true.

“Kierra, I-” Ava tried to speak, but I didn’t want to listen.

“No, I’m sorry,” I interrupted as I caught my breath, “I’ll… I’ll just leave… Please.”

I didn’t wait for a response and just started walking.

Ava didn’t follow me.

…

Why did I do that?

My legs kept moving faster and faster as I raced through the streets. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t care where I was going. I just wanted to get away.

Why didn’t I stop myself?!

Eventually, I stopped in front of a familiar door, the inn where Ava and I were staying. Without thinking, I went inside, wanting to go up to the room and just lay in bed. But as soon as I set foot inside the building, I remembered that Ava still had the key to the room.

What am I doing?

…

“Hello there.”

My head immediately snapped around to face whoever was speaking to me.

“Oh my, I didn’t mean to scare you,” It was Daleia, “I was just going to ask if you were here for a late lunch?”

…

“I don’t mind if that’s what you’re worrying about. I actually prefer working in the kitchen to sitting behind this desk day in and day out,” She let out a slight giggle.

What?

No… No, that’s-

Why am I even here?

“Is that not what you’re after? If you’d prefer an early dinner or maybe even a very late breakfast, I don’t mind,” She came out from behind the desk and stood in front of me, “After all, I only follow the rules when they’re good to me. Who’s to say you can’t eat what you want when you want.”

…

I shook my head. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” She asked, “Did something happen? I know you’re a little shy and don’t talk a whole lot, but I don’t see your friend with you.”

Did something happen? I just… I don’t even know what I did…

I just… it came out all at once…

I didn’t want to…

…

“Y-… Y-” I tried to say something but quickly gave up and just nodded instead.

There was only a brief moment of silence, but it felt like an eternity to me.

You’re doing it again.

Just… stop… What are you even trying to do?

“Well, unfortunately, I can’t guess at what happened. But even if I could, I wouldn’t. That just isn’t my place to be,” She went back behind the desk but didn’t sit down.

…

Of course…

What was I expecting?

…

Was I expecting something?…

“And I don’t have any magic words that’ll make everything better. I’m just an old innkeeper at the end of the day,” She then pulled out a key ring with an absurd number of keys on it, “But as an innkeeper, there is at least something I can do. I imagine you wouldn’t be standing there like a lost child if you were the one with the key.”

…

“Come on up,” Daleia started walking up the stairs, “I’ll open the door for you. Then you won’t have to deal with an old lady’s prying any longer.”

I didn’t say anything and just followed behind her. She returned the favour, staying completely silent as we made our way to the room.

Once we were standing in front of the door, she quickly sorted through the keys, finding the right one almost immediately.

“Well, here you go,” She said as she opened the door, “Do you want me to lock the door behind you? Just know that if I do, you won’t be able to get back out until your friend comes around. I won’t be able to hear you in here from the front desk.”

I… I don’t want anyone coming in…

…

I started to respond to her question, “I-”

“Ah, what am I doing?” She interrupted as she fumbled with the key ring once again. This time, she took one of the keys off of it and put it in the door, “I’m not supposed to give the spare away, but it doesn’t really matter. That rule ain’t doing you any good, and at the end of the day, it’s not like I only have the one spare.”

Not questioning her, I stepped into the room.

“Alright, I’ll leave you alone now,” She said as she walked away, “Just drop that key off at the front desk when you don’t need it anymore. I can wait as long as you need… Oh, and if you want someone to listen to your ramblings or maybe even want someone to ramble at you, I’m almost always available.”

With that, she went back down the stairs, and I closed the door behind me.