The Butcher of Gadobhra

Vern didn't run, he could only sort of lean forward and shuffle along faster.

The short distance to the hill, and the long time for him to get there, exasperated Marceline with his constant need for breaks. "No one is this out of shape. Let me see your character sheet."

With Ricardo's help, Vern managed to share his character sheet with her. Ricky had expected to see the typical line of zeros for a starting character, but instead saw negative numbers with asterisks and a list of footnotes detailing the reasons.

Marceline began cursing in Orcish, then glared at Vernon. "Poor Diet, Obesity, Elderly, Doddering, Geriatric, Centenarian, and Decrepit? Oh god. This is horrible. Did you just click "Use my current body as a template" and skip any modifications to your character? The game even warns you why that might be a bad choice! You could have been 20 years old, with none of these negatives! All it took was moving a couple of sliders!"

"Young lady, I'll have you know that I'm a respected Vice President of the ACME corporation. People know and respect me. They recognize me on sight! Why would I change anything for a game?"

Marceline poked him with her finger, and Vern tottered for a moment and then fell over from the small shove. "That's why. You aren't ready for any sort of combat. Levels and better stats will help, so that's what we work on. Let's get to the training field and we'll get started." Her eyes scanned further down his sheet. "What the bloody hell! Why did you pick these skills? Ranting? Lead from the Rear, Impressive Trough Feeding, Berate Minion, Warmongering, Ceremonial Mace? Your primary skills are crap, your secondaries are not much better, and you don't even have Tertiary Skills!"

"Bah, I wasn't playing silly games. It didn't matter. I was the Northern Regional Manager and VP in charge of In-Game Acquisitions. It was easier to let the system fill things in."

She stared upwards for ten seconds, slowly counting backwards to vent her frustration, "Judging from your sheet, the System enjoyed the job and is still giggling. At least you have a weapon skill of some sort. I'll find something heavy and gaudy and have it run up to you so you can bop some bunnies. Once you get one or two levels in you and those bonuses from your class kick in, we can work on getting rid of some of those negatives.

Ricky looked at the puffing and huffing Vernon, "Is there any way we can petition the game to let him remake his character."

Vernon stood up and got his heavy breathing under control. "This is just temporary. Ricardo can attest to my work ethic. I'm sure I'll feel better after lunch."

Marceline looked at the town they had barely left and the hill, still some ways off. "You better get moving then. Lunch is roasted rabbit, and you have to kill it if you want to eat. Keep him moving, Ricardo, and signal from the top of the hill when he gets there. I'm not wasting a couple of hours following him. I've got mercs to train. Dismissed. Get your asses moving and I better see a pile of corpses when I get there."

While sprinting the two miles to where her mercenaries were training the new recruits, she revised her plan. Men came to attention as she arrived, and an orderly ran up.

"I need a mace sent up to Bunny Hill for his Lordship to use. Find or make something that counts as 'Ceremonial'. The blacksmith can probably help. You've got at least an hour, he's moving slowly. In fact, have them make a half-dozen, starting with something light for today. Heavier weapons will help him kill faster, and we can swap out better weapons as he gains some strength. I want a small tent set up so we can keep him out of the sun and rain when he needs breaks. Send along plenty of water and food, but I want him on a strict weight-loss diet. He can kill for his protein, so go heavy on vegetables from the farms and those terrible muffins everyone around here eats."

With Vernon temporarily sorted, she turned to watch the new recruits drilling with spear and shield. She recognized the man at the end of the line, putting his spear into a training dummy. "Good thrust that time, Private Thune. Now give me a hundred more, just like it." The sweating recruit pulled out his spear and thrust again, smiling and enjoying himself.

His muscles ached, and sweat was pouring off of him even in the cool weather, but being twenty again and having those muscles felt wonderful.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

The Fat Rabbits of Bunny Hill rarely bothered to look up as they grazed constantly, filling their ever-growing bellies. Only being Level 0, they had no perception and no skills beyond nibbling or scratching an opponent if attacked. The only opponents they could put up a fight against were clueless new contract workers with a 1% chance to hit them. Today, they added Lesser God Emperor Unca Varn to their 'Preferred Enemies' list.

They saw him approach the bottom of the hill and fall to the ground, unmoving. They approved. Not moving was their favorite activity, too. But, like all the other players who came to visit, he eventually became a threat. Walking up behind one bunny who was peacefully munching grass, he grumbled, raised the small silver truncheon above his head, and brought it down with all his might on the unmoving rabbit. It squealed in pain as the weapon hit its shoulder, giving it a painful bruise. The other rabbits took notice and then ignored the fight.

For ten minutes, the rabbit tried to scratch Vern's legs or bite his ankles while he slowly raised and dropped his weapon. Ricky stood nearby, half-asleep, leaning on a spear.

He was jolted awake as the rabbit managed to bite through the heavy, double-layer woolen pants Vern was wearing, drawing blood and latching onto his calf. Vern tried to shake it off, but only managed to stumble and fall on top of another Fat Rabbit. Both bunnies teamed up on him as he lay on the ground, slowly bleeding to death. Ricky intervened, killing one Rabbit and prying the other from Vern's leg. He helped Vern to his feet and sent him after the wounded, bloodied hare. Three more hits with his truncheon and the Fat Rabbit Died. Vern was down two-thirds of his Health and exhausted. Ricky helped him down the hill and put him into the tent to recover.

I suppose some sort of Congratulations are in order for not only your first victory but also for setting a record for the longest amount of time anyone has taken to kill a Level 0 creature. You earned 5 points in the skill: Ceremonial Mace and 5 points in STR. It would have been ten, but the rabbits are penalizing you for having your minion interfere.

Ricky looked at the notification and tried to calculate how many days he was going to be here waiting for Vern to get to level one. He understood why Marceline had sent out the tent and food. It would be even longer if they had to walk back and forth. He was lying in the grass and enjoying a nap when he heard voices. Vern hadn't moved yet and was stubbornly asleep. The voices came from a family of farmers who were out for a picnic. The parents waved to him and spread a quilt on the grass before passing out food to their hungry children. After a small meal, the father took a boy of ten over to the rabbits and handed him a short spear.

"Keep your feet in the position I showed you and make the first hit count. If it stays up, pull back the spear, take two steps back, and thrust again. You're faster than they are. Nothing to worry about."

Ricky could see the boy was excited and only half listening, "Got it, Dad. Sarny and I have been practicing all week. He got to level 2 yesterday. I need to catch up."

His father shrugged and let him go fight. Proving that he had indeed been practicing, he rapidly killed twenty of the rabbits. His father gathered them up and put them in a pile. That's enough for now; let your sister have a go at it. And remember, we're going to take some of these over to the Butcher and turn in for the quest."

This time, it was the Mother who walked up the hill, with a girl of nine. The girl had a shortsword and small buckler and was wearing leg armor. "Remember, Sassy, don't try to outdo your brother; he has a year of growth on you, and weighs more than you do."

"Size doesn't matter, Mom. That's what Decima says, and she's in the Legion."

"So was I, dear, and Deci fights dirty. But ask her about the time we fought a group of ogres. Size sure mattered then."

"Mom!"

"Sorry, go have fun, dear."

Ricky watched the young girl run screaming at a rabbit, bash it with her shield, and stab it with her sword. Her approach was bloodier than her brother's, but it got the job done. Within a half hour, she'd also killed over twenty rabbits, and she jumped up and down. "I got my second point of DEX and a point of STR!"

Her father clapped, "That's my girl." In all of the excitement, no one noticed the three-year-old toddler carefully moving toward a nearby Fat Rabbit. She wrapped her arms around the fuzzy, long-eared creature and screamed, "Bunny!". The Fat Rabbit found itself in a bear hug and being dragged down the hill. She deposited it next to the picnic and proclaimed proudly, "My Bunny." The confused creature found itself being fed an oatmeal cookie and hugged repeatedly for the next half hour. As the family packed up to leave, it hopped after them. The parents scratched their heads while the toddler insisted her rabbit come with them. Finally, the father put the large rabbit in the empty picnic basket and continued their walk to Sedgewick to turn in their Quests.

Vern was finally stirring. Ricky got him up and pushed him off to the hill. "They were nice and left us six of the rabbits, Vern. Luckily, the youngest one just wanted to hug them."