The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

Join the discord! Here

* * *

〈 Chapter 101 〉 888. The Chapter of the Girl and the Zombie (13).

* * *

**

—Swish.

The morning of the 60th day has dawned.

I was standing with my head resting against the wall, gazing into a corner of the empty room.

My head slowly slid down the wall. I didn't resist the gravity pulling me down, and just sat there on the floor.

My legs remained stretched out, and only then did my half-lowered eyes catch sight of my shoes, thoroughly coated in green fluid.

Had I not even taken off my shoes.

I must have been so out of it when I got home that the idea of removing them never even crossed my mind.

──Well, it doesn't matter anymore.

Whether the sticky ooze dirtied the floor or not.

Whether this rotten stench seeps into every corner of the house or not.

Whether I die like this or not.

Every day, the food supplies dwindled.

Even as survivors vanish one by one, and hope gradually fades, this house had always stayed cheerful, without losing a smile.

Yet now, with backpacks full of canned food piled up by the front door, all preparations for going outside complete.

".........."

This house is filled with nothing but a chilling silence.

The front door is locked tight. The bags are exactly where they were first placed, untouched.

Nobody said a word. Still, none of us, myself included, laid a hand on those bags filled with food.

Like corpses.

....Corpses.

Yes, we were corpses.

Three sprawled bodies (?), lying about.

If someone saw us the way we are now, wouldn’t they assume these open-eyed people are already dead.

Like spirits who died without ever being freed from their regrets, forced to keep their eyes open in bitter grievance.

But at least those types of wandering souls carry a pent-up wish to resolve their old resentment, so calling them 'corpses unable to close their eyes' might be an insult to them.

—Tap, tap.

"....Kheuk, kuk... Ha, haha."

We did nothing.

We just waited in silence for death to come, someday.

Each of us were spending our time in our own rooms, on the floor, in our own postures, without making a sound.

Staring hollowly into space with empty pupils, each of us probably revisits some point in the past.

And then, the very moment our minds slip, even by a tiny margin of awareness,

We’re torn away from that illusion of happier times, forced to face the wretched present. We’re seized by the urge to die right away.

It’s as though the events of that first day have come back to life.

But if only, if only it were really like that.

If we could return to day one, surrender to the zombie horde without resistance, and die at school.

If on day two, upon reaching the rooftop of that building complex, we had thrown ourselves over the edge.

By day four, we’d tie some rope made from clothes around a sturdy pillar, string up our necks, and hang ourselves.

By the morning of day eight, we’d find a large rock lying nearby to smash our own heads with all our might.

On the night of day sixteen, we’d offer the little remaining food to them, keep some sense of human dignity, and bring our lives to an end.

As time passed to the day eighteen when I met Hee-ah, if only I had walked far away from this house, so nothing bad would happen to that child───

"—Ha."

It would have been so much better.

Telling ourselves we did the best we could in these circumstances,

Or that running away was the best we could do there.

We simply spit out meaningless words we once heard somewhere, because we’re too scared to speak from our own hearts. But those worn-out, canned lines of comfort can’t give us any solace at all.

Rather, they’re merely pouring oil on our already-raging fires.

No matter the process, the result that came to us was just one.

That Hee-ah had been swallowed by the horde of zombies in our place, that we had driven Hee-ah to her death, that horrifying result.

As long as that result, that conclusion, that tragic death and end remained unchanged.

I would never be able to escape this swamp.

......

Perhaps, if I had recklessly entered that zombie den without proper caution and been bitten, if I had been the one in danger, I might have been able to accept it.

Maybe I’d say it was my own fault. Maybe I’d feel a bit regretful. That’s probably how I’d think.

I’d be sad, sure. I’d miss Hee-ah. And I'd probably grieve a little that someone else, not me, would get to share a bright future with her.

Yet, in some odd way, I might have been happy about it.

Yes, that’s how it might have been.

Or how it should have been.

—Boom, boom!

"....Why....! Why....!"

That child, it's not right.

That child was blameless. That child had done nothing wrong. She shouldn’t have had to suffer that horrible fate.

We, the ones who made the poor judgments and mistakes, survived. Why on earth did the child, who only followed us, have to meet such an end...!

"Why....!!!"

Boom, boom, I banged my head against the wall.

The central hall of the supermarket.

Making sounds that could hardly be called human, we ran towards the spot where Hee-ah had fallen.

We grabbed anything within reach and swung it wildly, shouting at them to give Hee-ah back. The zombies stepped aside before our eyes, as though they had finished everything they needed to do.

They vanished like an illusion down the stairs into the deep darkness below.

All that remained where Hee-ah had fallen was the remnants of the white clothes she had been wearing that day, torn and stained with red and green beyond recognition, and the small yellow backpack she had been carrying.

The thick clothes I had made her wear out of worry she might get scratched provided no shield at all against the zombies' sharp nails and teeth.

And then, as if to take away even the last shred of hope from us──

'───Ah.'

Hee-ah’s body was nowhere to be found.

—Squeeze....!

"I'm sorry.....I'm sorry..... I'm sorry, Hee-ah.....!!"

I hugged the last memento of Hee-ah, the little yellow bag, tight against my chest.

I knew full well I had no right to shed tears, yet tears poured from my eyes in torrents, like driving rain.

Inside that bag I opened, I found a few board game boxes.

They were probably meant as a surprise gift from Hee-ah, who saw us spending day after day playing the same games, growing tired of them.

Among them, I found the first and third editions of the board game I once absentmindedly mentioned wanting to try with Hee-ah, if the chance ever arose.

Even though a whole month had passed, Hee-ah must have kept that random late-night mumbling of mine close to her heart.

But.

—Drip, drip.

"This is worthless without you... I just want to see you...!"

Games like these mean absolutely nothing if Hee-ah isn’t here.

Without Hee-ah, there’s no one left who could gather everyone to the living room, inviting us to play. The one person who would reach out with a gentle hand to us, hunched over with our heads buried between our knees, is gone.

"Why did you do that....!! Why did you do that, Hee-ah...!"

Why, why did you do that?

Why did you save useless people like us, Hee-ah?

Laid out on the floor are the board game boxes that were inside Hee-ah’s bag.

Among the board game boxes scattered on the floor, the box labeled '3rd' was missing the stopwatch that should have been inside.

Right to the end, the girl was looking out for us. She went back to retrieve the rest of the game board.

Even in that dangerous moment surrounded by zombies, the child who had been safe and undiscovered by zombies had thought of our safety before her own.

Knowing full well what would happen to her.

To the point where she stabbed herself in the arm with a sharp shard──

"—ughk, kek! Keeheuk!!"

Bleeegh

I turned my head to the side and spat out yellow bile.

The rotten stink in the room mixed with the sour odor of my bile.

Because I hadn’t drunk a drop of water since yesterday, luckily only a bit of stomach acid came out.

“..........”

The cloudy puddle spread across the floor, reflecting my pathetic face on its surface.

Sunken eyes stared back at me, ringed by dark shadows, hair plastered to my head in greasy clumps. I looked awful.

Even though that reflection showed no one but me, it twisted my insides with a sickening discomfort.

Yes. For this sorry excuse of a person—

That child gave up her life.

"───?!"

Clench—

Something felt lodged in my throat. My gag reflex flared. I shoved my hand into my mouth, down to the wrist.

Squelch squelch. Even though my hand was clearly too large to fit, it somehow slid all the way in.

But all I could pull out was sticky saliva and a little blood from where I’d scraped my flesh.

The refreshing feeling I craved, the clear sensation I wanted, was nowhere to be found.

Rather, that maddening stuffiness.

That nauseating feeling of something pressing on my throat.

Only grew stronger with each passing moment.

And then.

You, killed her.

"....!!"

The reflection (?), in the surface of that puddle, looked up and glared at me.

I, killed her.

"........."

It opened its mouth, its eyes, and pointed a finger at itself.

No.

It was pointing at me.

The reflection (?), said.

You, killed Hee-ah.

I, killed Hee-ah.

Over and over.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

It didn’t stop.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

You killed Hee-ah.

I killed Hee-ah.

Without pause──

─Smash!

"AaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAaaahhHHHHHh─────!!"

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry───

As though fleeing from something, I sprang to my feet and dashed out of the spot where I’d just been sitting.

Was I trying to escape from the fragment of the past that condemned me, or was I trying to run from myself (??) lurking in this place.

Covering my ears, squeezing my eyes shut, stumbling across the floor, crashing into walls, holding my breath, screaming, I race down the corridor.

─Tap.

".......Ah....Aah....!"

Haah, haah. Panting for breath, I came to a stop.

My pointless flight ended in the narrow veranda one can reach by sliding open two the double glass windows.

The veranda with its distinctive ocean-colored tiles.

It was the place where, on a dawn when the stars shimmered so beautifully,

Hee-ah and I stood side by side and looked at each other.

".........."

But in this spot filled with memories, now there’s only me, all alone.

Swoosh, I climbed up onto the railing.

The sturdy iron railing set at the edge to prevent people from falling.

But ironically, in this moment, it was simply my stepping stone to make me fall from an even higher height.

"....Ha, hahaha..."

If I jump from here, will I die.

If I land on my neck, maybe I’ll die.

Even if I somehow survive the fall, there have been occasional roaming zombies. If they show up, my end won’t be long.

I pictured the others, who were probably lying in bed in their rooms right now. I hoped my corpse wouldn’t draw more zombies their way, and I hoped Yeon-ah and Jung Eun wouldn’t suffer too much trauma from my death.

......

I’m sorry, Yeon-ah.

I’m sorry, Jung Eun.

I’ve thought about this for so long.

It looks like someone like me was never meant to be alive.

You always said I was neutral and rational, praising me like that, but you know, right? I’m not all that smart, and I’m not that brave, either.

I was just someone who hated fighting with others, always choosing the middle ground between people's opinions.

When you think about it, I never actually accomplished anything for us, did I?

I only ever weighed you down, and I couldn’t even protect Hee-ah properly.

All talk and no substance. Someone who looks good on the outside but is empty inside.

It's because of someone like me that we all ended up like this.

If anyone’s at fault, it’s obviously me, the one who never formed an opinion and just agreed with whatever you said.

If only I hadn't been here, maybe everyone would be better off than now.

Maybe Hee-ah would still be alive.

.....

Yes, it’s all on me.

I’m not blaming you.

No one should blame you.

Nobody who’s worked so hard, who’s always lived passionately, deserves any blame.

I have nothing but my worthless life to offer, but I can promise you at least that.

So please.

So please, everyone.

".....I’m coming to see you, Hee-ah."

You’re not bad people.

The bad one is me, the coward who can’t control her own fear and runs away first.

I, this idiot named Lee Hwa-min.

And that idiot is making yet another stupid choice.

"........."

Whooooosh. The breeze, which now feels entirely like a summer breeze, whips past my body.

That same wind, which until this moment felt stifling, stuffy, and suffocating, today, for some reason, kisses me like the crisp air of winter.

It tickles my skin as it passes. Standing with both feet on the railing, I shut my eyes and savor that fleeting coolness.

....Ah. Yes.

At last, it feels like I can let go, just a little.

"........."

I open my eyes and take one long breath.

It might be the last breath of my life.

Relishing that brief moment, I start to move my right foot forward────

[‘───■.....■.......’]

"──?!"

I froze in place, my foot still half-extended in midair.

Eyes opened wide.

Mouth spread wide open, unable to close.

Despite my ridiculous and precarious posture, my eyes were fixed on a single spot.

Did I make a mistake?

There’s no way I did.

Did I see it wrong?

I couldn’t have seen it wrong.

Was it a hallucination?

There’s no way it was a hallucination.

[‘.............■.’]

"......ah, hey?"

Of course, it’s not a mistake.

There’s no way I could fail to recognize that color.

Far away, almost out of naked-eye range, wedged into a narrow gap in some side alleyway.

It was just an instant, maybe even shorter than a blink.

But in that sliver of time, I definitely saw it.

Not faded or lifeless. Not dusty or dull.

But rather like freshly fallen snow from the sky, so pure and white.

─Step, step.

[‘■........■........’]

"....Hee-ah, is that you?"

That snow-white hair.

Without a doubt, I saw it.

***

60 dark days.

42 bright days.

***

* * *

Become a Butter Enjoyer.

Please give the book a rating and a review on NovelUpdates.

It helps the website and helps people find this novel!

If you'd like to make a one-time donation to support our translations or subscribe to read up to 15 chapters or more (depending on the novel) ahead, you can do so via Ko-fi.

Click here!