The Simulacrum

I had an office.

…

Okay, that didn't sound grave enough. Let me try again.

Average guys my age were concerned about things like their love lives or their grades. I had an office.

Others would be out there, enjoying the pleasant spring weather. I. Had an office.

Youth was but a whirlwind of fleeting vicissitudes one was supposed to cherish and experience to the fullest.

1. Had. An. Office.

"Where did my life go wrong?"

"Leonard, please stop being overdramatic and pay attention."

I directed a flat stare at Roland. Our moustachioed Griffon Knight was in his uniform and standing next to my desk with a bundle of papers in hand, and he returned my gaze just as dispassionately.

We were in one of the newly constructed rooms of the underground base, and if I didn't make it abundantly clear yet, let me repeat it one last time: it was my personal office. In retrospect, this was inevitable; as the leader (and technically king) of the Ordo Draconis, I should've had my own office ages ago, but since I was always on the move, I managed to dodge this bullet until now.

Maybe I became too complacent, or maybe my attention was just stretched too thin, but I somehow managed to completely miss Fred, Brang, and the Fauns building this place right under my nose. It wasn't a small office either. The bloody thing gave the local arch-mage's study a run for its money in the size department, though with considerably fewer booze cabinets. Obviously.

On the flip-side, Lord Grandpa's place didn't have a huge portrait of himself hanging on the wall. Worse yet, I couldn't even get rid of it, because it was the result of a team effort between Galatea, Snowy, and Karukk of all people. That said, at least it depicted me in my Lion Knight armour, including the helmet, so I didn't have to stare at my own mug while working. Thank heavens for small mercies, huh?

Oh, and speaking of work, I had a lot of that piling up. While Roland, Agrawain, and even Duncan took care of much of the Ordo Draconis-related paperwork during our vacation-cum-training-camp, there were still quite a lot of documents that required my signature and stamp (because yes, I had a stamp too), in addition to a bunch of other things on top of that. Such as…

"The Magi of the Boston School of Artifice are requesting cooperation in a joint project," Roland read up from his clipboard.

"Forward it to Fred, and have him give me a report on its feasibility later," I answered through gritted teeth as I skimmed one of the papers in front of me and gave it my stamp of approval. "Next."

"General Brang is requesting funds to craft custom armor for the new recruits."

That made me look up from the papers and send a sideways glance at Roland.

"He means Tajana's Fauns, right?"

"Most likely."

It didn't escape my notice how he twitched the moment her name came up, so I decided to tease him a little.

"Good work on convincing her to switch sides for good."

"I take no responsibility for that," Roland answered bluntly, but I pressed on.

"Really? Then how come she had been refusing to do it right until the two of you started—?"

"Do we approve the expenditure?"

The way he cut me off, combined with the twitching of his brows, told me he really didn't want to talk about it. Oh well.

"Approved." I shrugged and picked up another document. "Next."

"Over the last week, Bel of the Abyss harassed and threatened no less than five Draconic Federation officials. We received a request to investigate the case, and the preliminary reports are in."

"Oh?" I paused and raised a brow at that. "Do tell."

"As expected, we found no evidence of forced entry. As for the victims, they were all Feilong clan elders, or personnel directly associated with them. They each work in different departments of the Federation, and the only common thread linking them is that after the incident, they all withdrew their support for the motion proposed at the Draconic Council to extend the scope of the Spring Youth Martial Festival into a week-long tournament."

"Good riddance." I tried to hide my complete indifference towards the fate of this stillborn tournament. I failed. "Tell them we're totally going to investigate it, and then sweep the whole thing under the rug."

Roland eyed me with a hint of exasperation, followed by a shallow groan.

"Doing so would be a gross neglect of responsibility."

"Well, tough. What else are we expected to do about it? It's Bel; tell them that as soon as we catch him, they no longer have to worry about him."

"Are we going to catch him?" he asked back, sounding just a touch skeptical of my response.

"Maybe. We'll see. It's complicated." Meanwhile, I stamped two more documents, only to pause and show one of them to Roland. "Hey? Am I the only one who thinks this has one too many zeroes?"

He glanced at it, and after studying the balance sheet for a second or five, he subtly shook his head.

"No, the numbers add up."

"Bloody hell… We're a freaking money-pit, aren't we?" I grumbled and signed off on it before putting it into the pile. "What else is there?"

"On the topic of the Spring Youth Martial Festival, we received and formal invitation for the finals. Since it's the first official event arranged by the Draconic Federation, and considering that Naoren Feilong and Yseult Albion are the chief organizers, it would be prudent for the Ordo Draconis to send a representative, and…"

"Send Duncan," I cut in before he could even start insinuating that I should attend. "In fact, send Agrawain too. Raven Boy could really use some public exposure, and they both get along with Yseult."

"I still think that—"

"You want to attend instead? Well, if you insist, then be my guest."

"… I'll inform Sir Duncan and Sir Agrawain."

Roland finally gave up, so I allowed myself a smirk and squared the papers in my hands.

"All right. Ne—"

Before I could finish saying 'Next', the door of my office swung open and an irate Ammy marched in, wearing her Magiformer and her magical Grimoire Key orbs aggressively orbiting her head.

"Leo, we have a problem!"

I levelled an impassive stare at her, followed by a soft sight and readjusting the tower of official papers in front of me.

"Hi, class rep. I'm listening."

"I can't cast magic!"

I was about to pick up another document, but that made me stop and raise a brow at her.

"Come again?"

"I can't cast any complex spells!" she reiterated while furiously tweaking her glasses at me, as it if was somehow my fault. "Ever since we came back from Elysium, whenever I try to cast something, it's like my head if full of noise, and my spells just explode like before!"

I wanted to ask 'Okay, and what am I supposed to do about that?', but I didn't want to get into an argument, so I settled on a slightly more diplomatic, "That's peculiar, but doesn't seem to be something I can help you with." She continued to stare (borderline glare, really) at me, so I soon amended, "Maybe it has something to do with that Ley-line weirdness you experienced in the Elysium, but just to be sure, go find Fred and tell him to give you a check-up in the soul-scanner device, just to be sure."

"Okay, let's do that."

Despite saying that, she remained still, apparently waiting for me to go with her. I gestured at the pile of documents still waiting for my approval. If anyone could understand how annoying last-minute paperwork was, it should've been her, but her own dilemma apparently took precedence over everything else. Yet, I received a save from the most unexpected of places.

"Ue-sama!"/"Big Brother Leonard!"

Like a whirlwind out of the blue, the duo of Ichiko and Xiao barrelled into my office without the slightest hint of reservation. The little miko was grinning like a well-fed fox, wearing her red-and-white shrine maiden outfit, while Odango Girl was in a light blue Chinese dress, her hair in her usual ox-horns and just as energetic as her playmate.

"We're here to give our report!" Ichiko grinned ear to ear and pulled out a folded-up piece of paper. She presented it to me with a proudly puffed-up chest. "Quick, read it!"

I unfolded it, and even after a cursory inspection, I couldn't help but blink in mild bafflement. It was a hand-written document trying to mimic the formatting of the Draconic Federation's official paperwork. It even had the organization's insignia in the upper-left corner, rendered with all the high-definition that crayons could provide.

The kids were practically staring a hole into my face, so I gave in and quickly skimmed the 'report'.

"Is this… on how much 'progress' Rinne and Naoren made during the week?" I blurted out, sounding clearly flabbergasted, but they took no note of my tone and continued to excitedly grin at me.

"Yes! Bother Naoren and Sister Rinne held hands every day!"

"Not just that," Ichiko chimed in, sounding even more excited than the tiny dragoness. "The other day, he kissed Rinne-san!"

"On the forehead!" Odango Girl added in a hurry, and the mini-miko nodded along.

"Yes! Now, it's only a question of time before we have nieces!"

"Or nephews!"

"Nephews are nice too!"

Restraining the urge to get caught in their rhythm, I softly cleared my throat and folded up the 'status report' before handing it back Ichiko.

"Thank you for the update, but I'm afraid that process is a little more involved than just a peck on the forehead."

While I thought I was suitably vague (and just a little cheeky), both Ammy and Roland rolled their eyes at me in unison. The kids, on the other hand, had question marks circling their heads.

"But… Rinne-san and Naoren-sama already love each other very much!"

"Yes! And they held hands!" To illustrate, Odango Girl grabbed her own fingers. "Hands!"

"That's right! Isn't that all you need for the stork to know you want a baby?"

I eyed the little miko with the kind of incredulity usually reserved for Nigerian princes asking for help with money, but she seemed entirely sincere.

"Are you serious?" She only cocked her head to the side, as if my question was hard to parse. "I mean, I get it that Xiao wouldn't get it, but you've been around for a long time in Onikiri. You should know how it works?"

"Hm? What does Ue-sama mean by 'it'?"

"Oooh? I knew it!" Odango Girl cut in by hammering her palm with her fist. "I knew it! You see, Ichi? I told you it was too simple! There must be some sort of secret way to contact the stork that only the adults know about!"

"Really?" That was directed at me, Ichiko rising to her tip-toes so that she could put her hands on my desk and lean forward. "Can Ue-sama tell us about it?"

"Yes! Tell us! What's the secret!"

First off, I started by rubbing my face before extending a finger and pushing the foxy miko back by the forehead. Afterwards, I folded my hands and stated, on no uncertain terms, "Nope. I'm not giving you the birds and the bees talk. Come back in a few years. Or better yet, don't come back and ask someone else."

"Uuuu…" Ichiko whined, but then her eyes suddenly lit up and turned to the tiny dragon.

"Xicchan, I figured it out! Ue-sama just gave us a clue! A stork is a bid, so making babies must have something to do with bees!"

"Ah! You're right! Ichi is smart!"

"Tee-hee!" the little-miko grinned ear to ear, basking in the praise, while Roland in the background impatiently tapped his feet.

"Can we get back to official business?"

"Wait, we're going to the Workshop first, aren't we?" Ammy called out in a hurry, readjusting her glasses again and sending a disparaging glance at the man by the desk.

"Actually, I—"

Before I could get a word in, the door of my office flung open for the third time, and this guest was the weirdest one so far.

With a high-pitched 'Wheeee!' sound, a thick metal disk roughly the diameter of a basketball careened through the door, its green crystal eye frantically scanning the perimeter before landing on me, and it beelined directly towards my direction. A whirr and a bop later, the magitech roomba jumped over my desk and landed on my lap and began tapping on my chest with its tiny little broom hands.

Before I could figure out just what the heck was going on, the door that was about to close was pushed open again, accompanied by a series of high-pitched 'Nyuu!' and 'Nyah!' noises as about two dozen Pudding-kuns flooded in… only to notice me, and the magic cleaning robot thingie on me, and rapidly retreat. Not fast enough thou, as the first mini-shoggoth through the door was now the last on the run, and the door closed shut before he could get out, resulting in a meaty 'thunk' as he headbutted the doorframe.

"Nyuu-uuu!"

"Ah, Pudding-kun!" Ichiko skipped over to his side before I could get a word in and scooped the little eldritch abomination into her arms. "Were you chasing Whirly-kun again?"

"Who's that?" I blurted out, and Odango Girl let out an amused chuckle at my expense.

"He's right here!"

She pointed at the magic roomba still sitting in my lap, and it let out a series of melodic whistles in response. Xiao then came over and picked it up, bringing it over to the dizzied mini-shoggoth.

"You two need to get along," she chided them, and Ichiko nodded along.

"That's right! You can't inconvenience Ue-sama like that!"

Meanwhile, Ammy observed the magical machine from a distance and turned to me.

"Is that the gift Dolion Mensah gave you?"

"Yeah. It's apparently harmless, so I let it run free in the base." I paused and watched as Pudding-kun started waving his stubby tentacles around like an old-timey boxer, while the roomba was twirling its brushes like a dual-wielding samurai doing a flourish. "… In retrospect, maybe that wasn't a good idea."

However, before Ammy could respond, the door opened yet again and the Princess poked her head inside.

"Oh, hi!" She glanced around the room, and her eyes ultimately settled on me, and she tilted her head to the side. "Are you busy?"

"You could say that…" I muttered a tad soullessly. "Why?"

"I just wanted to ask why there's a tower of Pudding-kuns outside, but…" Her gaze swept the room again. "I'm heading to the lounge. Do you want to take a break with me?"

"Do I ever?"

I jumped to my feet, making everyone turn to me in alarm.

"But what about the documents?"

"And my magic?"

"And the bees!"/"Yes, the bees!"

"Nyuu!"/"Beep-boop!"

Before anyone could stop me, I made my way over to the door and gave them a wink.

"Sorry, everyone. The princess hath spoken, so it's break time. Let's get back to this…" I wanted to say 'never', but I could only manage a weak, "… later?" before waving everyone goodbye and escaping the office with a giggling girl on my arm.

Let's look at the bright side of things; work sucked, but if one didn't have any, they could never enjoy the liberating feeling of ditching it, now could they?