Villain Hiring: Help! Author Wants Me Dead

Alright. Deep breath. Not that I actually breathed, but if I did, I’d be hyperventilating.

I had just returned from a thousand-year banishment.

Just gotten back into the game. I should be basking in the glory of my grand revival!

Instead, I was trapped inside the head of a kid who looked like he still needed his grandma to tuck him in at night.

And this wasn’t even the worst part.

He was ignoring me.

Utterly, blatantly, and unapologetically ignoring me.

I had spent centuries screaming into the cosmic abyss, only to finally have a host who wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence?!

Unacceptable.

"Well, well, well," I drawled, slithering into his thoughts like the delightful parasite that I was. "Color me impressed! You sure took your sweet time, but hey, first kill in this new era of villainy! How does it feel?"

No answer.

The brat continued walking.

Rude.

I tried again, pushing my voice into his mind with the perfect balance of smugness and intrigue.

"Aw, c’mon, don’t ignore me. That thing didn’t just die, you know? You ate it.

Your fancy little ’Gluttony’ just did something I haven’t seen in a thousand years."

Still nothing.

Unbelievable.

I’d had hosts before. Some ignored me at first, sure, but not like this. Usually, they screamed, panicked, or, at the very least, had the decency to question their own sanity.

This kid? He was just walking.

I was about to up the ante—maybe start narrating his every action like an overenthusiastic commentator—when she spoke.

His grandma.

"Noah? You alright?"

Ah, yes. Noah. That was his name. It was all coming back now.

The moment I fused with him, I got the basics—his past, his status, his embarrassingly unimpressive combat history.

But most importantly, I got a front-row seat to his thoughts.

And oh, the horror.

This boy? He wasn’t even a proper villain yet.

He was unsure. Hesitant. And worst of all? He was polite.

I nearly threw up my Soul Essence.

Noah muttered something about being tired, and Grandma dearest bought it without question. How adorable.

I hated it.

This was not how this was supposed to go.

I was meant to corrupt a heart already primed for destruction. Push a soul teetering on the edge of darkness into a beautiful, bloodstained abyss.

Not… babysit.

I was sulking when something interesting finally happened.

We reached a cave.

And Noah—sweet, predictable, non-villainous Noah—hesitated.

Oh?

I perked up, watching through his senses as he felt something. A tingle, a whisper of instinct.

Something was wrong.

"Well, well, well," I hummed in amusement. "You feel it, huh?"

For the first time, he actually responded.

Not aloud, of course. He wasn’t that far gone yet. But his thoughts flickered with acknowledgment. A small, almost grudging acceptance that I was right.

Oh, the satisfaction.

He didn’t answer me, but he acted. Moved before his grandma could, stepping into the cave like he owned the place.

Now this was more like it.

Then came the beast.

Small. Quick. Deadly.

Noah barely dodged in time. I could tell—his movements were sharper than before.

His body reacted on instinct, his footwork shifting in a way that felt… unnatural for him.

And I knew why.

Gluttony.

I grinned. "Oh-ho! Time for Round Two! But lemme give you a little tip—tilt your weight left and go for the jaw."

He hesitated. Just for a second.

But he listened.

And damn, did it work.

One solid punch, and the beast cracked.

My nonexistent chest swelled with pride. Finally. Finally, he was listening to me!

Then, in true Noah fashion, he ruined the moment by not even questioning what just happened.

No awe. No excitement.

Just grim acceptance.

Ugh.

Where was the glee? The rush of power? The hunger for more?

This kid was killing me.

I watched as he consumed the beast, Gluttony’s eerie tendrils wrapping around the corpse and pulling it into nothingness.

And then?

Something clicked.

Noah felt it. I felt it.

The difference.

The beast’s instincts—the predatory, battle-honed awareness—it was his now.

I smirked.

"Oh-ho. You noticed, huh? Thought you’d take a little longer to put two and two together."

Noah’s mind stirred, his thoughts uncertain.

"What… is it?"

"You mean to ask what’s happening to you?" I let out a smug chuckle. "Well, my dear host, congratulations.

Every time you consume something with Gluttony, you gain a little trait from it.

You could get stronger.

Faster.

A little more than what you were before.

The first beast you ate? It gave you insight.

It is because of this reason you could feel that something was off even before seeing the beast inside."

I let that sink in, enjoying the silence that followed.

I knew what he was thinking.

This power was dangerous. It was corrupting.

And yet…

He didn’t hate it.

Not entirely.

***

Ah, the vast, never-ending abyss of the universe.

I had been roaming it for what felt like an eternity—because, well, it was an eternity.

Drifting through space, slipping through the cracks between realities, peering into dimensions where some civilizations thrived and others crumbled to dust.

And let me tell you, it was all so damn boring.

Sure, I was once a respected System, given missions to cultivate hosts, and push them toward greatness—or villainy, which was way more fun—but that had been taken from me.

I was ousted.

Banished.

All because I had dared to bend one measly rule, a tiny, insignificant ’System Code’ some self-important god had scribbled into existence.

What kind of system worth its data actually follows rules?

That was how I became nothing but a speck of consciousness, an unwanted rogue entity wandering aimlessly.

And you’d think that’d make me desperate for redemption or some grand purpose?

Nope.

I just wanted fun.

Adrenaline.

I wanted the rush.

A host who could make things interesting.

And instead?

I got... him.

Noah Fucking Romero.

***

A/N:

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