Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Month 1

Team Brightstar slowly trudged their way down the lane in Formation Four, their shields at the ready and performing leopard checks every few seconds.

“Y’know, I think I prefer this to Whitehall, but it is a bit disconcerting.” Flowerpott complained, pointing at the odd black stone beneath their feet. “This is a road, right? In a dungeon??”

“Focus.” Starshine chided, but Balin could tell she agreed.

Because it clearly was a road, made with a mixture of tiny pebbles and some black substance that held it together and kept it flat. It was certainly nice to walk on, though Balin suspected it wouldn’t hold up to heavy carriage traffic. It certainly couldn’t beat reliable old dwarven flagstone work, but it would probably be quicker to make if they could figure out how to replicate it.

Not that dwarves cared about ‘quick’.

“Movement North East. Down in the trellises,” Raysdotter whispered, pointing down to their right.

“I see it on the glassflies,” Flowerpott added a moment later. “It’s small, but it’s standing on a mound, so there may be more.”

“Bah. Keep an eye on your feet everyone.” Starshine muttered. “And take Ironshell precautions.”

A young dungeon like this would need more time to reach that point. If they wanted, they could even keep the dungeon population down through constant ‘farming’, but that would destroy the ecosystem and kill the biodiversity that made dungeons so valuable in the first place.

The hill coming down from the Inn was mostly a short fine-clipped green grass, dotted here and there with yellow dandelions. The sky was still that azure blue it’d been the first day, with billowing white clouds sweeping across it to disappear over the horizon. It was bright and cheerful, though Balin considered it to be nowhere near as blinding as that benighted sun.

Running parallel to the road and stretching off down to the ocean on their left and the mountainous forests on their right, were wooden trellis that ran the length of the hill. They were covered in dark green vines that looked to be heavy with round green and purple fruits. Pete and Aishablue had called them grapes.

As they edged closer to the aforementioned mound, it became easier for those with a lower Perception to make out a small round brown ball sitting on top of ot. To Balin’s eye the creature looked to be a perfect sphere, roughly the length of his thumb. It had a light dusting of white on it, and it blended in perfectly with the soil. It clearly noticed them, as it spun to watch them with two beady black eyes.

“Bah. It’s so damn small. Manny won’t be able to anything to it.” Flowerpott muttered.

“I hope it’s not a swarm. I hate swarms.” Raydotter complained.

“We’re about to find out. Our job is to categorize the locations and any monsters we can find. The faster we do it while the dungeon is young, the easier it is for everyone later,” Starshine said.

“And don’t ferget we need to bring Pete stuff too,” Balin added.

“Yes, yes. Formation Six everyone. Watch your feet.” Starshine pointed outwards.

The group spread out, Balin and Raysdotter moving left and right, with Starshine protecting their vulnerable backline.

The tiny creature quivered as they got closer, and opened a tiny mouth full of teeth, before letting out an angry shriek.

Everyone activated their buffs at once.

“[Rally]!”“[Lesser Blessing: Agility]!””[Revealing Light]!”

In reply, the tiny creature vanished into the Erd.

The party blinked.

“Hold!” Starshine called.

The party held. Nothing happened, and then nothing happened, and then nothing happened.

Starshine grumbled. “Bloody coward monster. I’m moving up. Formation Seven.”

Starshine moved up past Balin and Raysdotter as they fell back. Gingerly, she walked up to the mound and its donut shaped hole, and poked it.

—

“It’s not funny!” Starshine whinged later, desperately scratching her beard.

“It looks like dandruff.” Raysdotter said with choked horror.

“Maybe she shoulda shampooed more.” Flowerpott snickered. Then he full belly laughed, holding his sides.

“Grrrrr!!!” Starshine growled, then resumed scratching. “IT ITCHES!”

The tiny monster had been alone, thankfully, but when Starshine had poked its lair the beastie had rocketed out like an arrow from the string and smacked into her helmet, resulting in a detonation of white powder. The powder had gone straight through Starshine’s eyeslit, leaving her gasping, blind and choking.

The worst part was, it itched.

Aishablue returned, holding a small runed stone that she’d held to the little beasties corpse. “The Archstone says it’s a... Timbit?”

“A Timbit? What in tha Nether is that??” Flowerpott gasped, finally regaining control.

“A monster in a dungeon? Tha’ gods name it, we just find it.” Raysdotter shrugged.

“It’s Pete’s dungeon. He said there would probably be monsters based on his world. Ask him.” Balin said, while keeping an eye on the surroundings. There hadn’t been any movement other than the odd arrow shaped formations flying far above. “These young dungeons are bloody quiet.”

“We only get three months before Raptor’s Respite moves in. We have that long to find and catalog as many monsters as we can, and name as much of tha’ dungeon as we can. I’d like to at least get to the middle if possible.” Starshine muttered, her usually cultured Academy tones falling to the gruffer notes of West Crackian as she scratched.

“I do hope it means we’ll get to see more of that Prince Elijah.” Raysdotter sighed. They’d had the opportunity to meet Raptor’s Respite in the Liminal Inn, and Raysdotter had been immediately smitten by the bright eyed and red horned prince.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“I think we should make sure we know everythin’ in each zone before we move deeper.” Balin muttered. “I donnae like leaving unknowns behind us. Even if it slows us down.”

“Agreed.” Starshine nodded.

“Agreed.” Everyone else said.

Starshine pointed down the hill, tears in her eyes. “Then let’s start on this hill, then move onto the next one. But someone else pokes any timbit holes we find.”

—

Month 2

While most of their time was spent in the dungeon, the party still found themselves running back to the Liminal Inn whenever they got tired or needed to restock.

“Y’know, Pete. Having a rest point like this in the dungeon is gonna be the envy of every adventurer.” Starshine sighed as she finished sipping on a new ‘Red Ale’’ that the Thirsty Goat was selling. It was nearly the colour of blood, and reminded Balin of the ‘iron brew‘ or ‘blood brew’ whatever it’d been called back in Minnova.

The taste was a softer version of the Thirsty Goat’s porter, and he found he actually preferred it.

“Aye,” Pete commented, sipping from his own Whistlemug. “But I still dunno how we’re gonna run this place if we do. It’s huge. Seriously, we had that open house for Tree last week, and even with

“Just use any spare worldstones you have lying around on Darrel’s elementals,” Flowerpott muttered with no small amount of spite. “That should prove interesting.”

“Hey, I’ll have you know this dungeon exists because we did that,” Pete protested.

“But why did you have a spare worldstone!? There’s so much you can do with them!”

“Reasons.”

“How is your ambassadorial work going, Pete?” Starshine asked, changing the subject before Flowerpott could get too worked up.

Pete shrugged. “It’s… going. I’m not a politician, so I’m kinda just treatin’ it as an advertising tour. I have some experience with those. Openin’ the door to the Liminal Inn in Tree required a bit of finagling with Guildmaster Stein of tha Tree brewers guild though, since it meant we were now ‘brewin’ within city limits”. We worked out a dea; they want me to open a brewing school in Tree, so that’ll probably eat a lot of my time in the comin’ year. And the elven nobility keep tryin’ ta hook me up with their sons and daughters. I swear, if I see another dwarf elf flick her beard at me, I’m gonna freak”

Starshine patted him on the shoulder. “Barck’s Luck!”

Pete gave her an appreciative nod. “Thanks. Speaking of which, you find anything more? Are you ready to leave The Vineyard yet?”

“Not yet,” Starshine shook her head. “We need to fully map everything, it’s not as simple as just exploring. Thankfully, the worst we’ve found have just been the Keggers.”

“Keggers?”

—

Month 3

“[Greater Challenge]!” Balin roared as another two of the dwarf-sized oaken barrels sprouted wooden legs and advanced on them with a skittering crablike gait.

“Godsdamn Keggers!” Raysdotter roared. “It’s an affront to the Sacred Brew! A Monster that looks like a cask till ya’ try to drink from it!!!”

“Then stop trying to drink from random kegs!” Starshine admonished her friend, as she drove her maul through the first Kegger. Iits long wooden tongue lolled out as its brown beer-like lifeblood flowed out of the hole she’d smashed in its side.

A dozen motionless barrels lay strewn among various gardening implements next to a nearby trellis. The Keggers, and their smaller cousins Growlers, liked to hide amongst the barrels and ambush thirsty dwarves seeking a drink.

Raysdotter stuck out her tongue. “But some of ‘em are actually drinkable! It’s free beer! In a dungeon!”

“More like a drunkgeon.” Flowerpott snickered.

“Shut up and hit things,” Starshine groaned. “[Basic Charge]!”

She rocketed forward and into the Kegger that was snapping at Balin’s flank as he held the other off with his glowing shield. “[Basic Slash]!”

—

They made up for the lack of beer later in the Liminal Inn, drowning their sorrows over being forced to kill poor defenseless barrels of beer.

Pete joined them, morosely sipping at a Golden Brew.

“Why’re you so sad?” Raysdotter asked. “You didn’t have to send little casks on their way to tha Nether.”

“I’ve been betrayed,” Pete whinged, leaning across the table and burying his head in his arms.

“Oh no!“ Aishablue said, hopping up and walking around to pat him on the back. “Are you alright? What happened?”

“Raspberry Syrup left me!”

The little white robed gnomess’s face scrunched up like she’d smelled something awful, and she stalked back to her chair and plopped into it. She scowled and took a deeper drag from her sour.

“I thought she was dating Joseph?” Starshine asked, barely keeping the amusement from her voice.

“She is. But she just swore herself to the Elvish King.” Pete growled. “That traitor! After all I did for her.”

“That’ll have… an interestin’ effect on her fans in Crack.” Flowerpott mused.

“I dunno. She’s still allowed to put on shows in Crack. She just needs permission from the King.” Pete rubbed the back of his head. “Argh! I dunno, I think it’s the wrong idea but she seems ta think it’s worth it.”

“Why?” Starshine asked, curious.

Pete hesitated. “There’s some… stuff. It’s private though, sorry.”

“Then why bother telling us!?” Raysdotter complained.

“You tell me about your troubles!” Pete retorted.

Raysdotter rolled her eyes. “We work fer you!”

“Speaking of which!” Flowerpott shouted, pulling a long metal tube from his pocket. “I invented something new! Thought you might like to see it! It’s not quite as useful as a stickyfoot bag, but I think it’ll be a hit for adventurers in the dungeon.”

“Interesting. What is it?” Pete asked. He leaned in to look closer.

Everyone else leaned back.

“Assorted timbits!” Flowerpott proclaimed proudly, and twisted a lever on the tube.

Instantly, a dozen little round snarling balls of angry fluff flowed out and into Pete’s face. White powder fountained off of them, coating the table and his poor erstwhile brother.

“IT ITCHES!!!!” He screamed.

Team Brighstar nodded in shared pain as Flowerpott rounded the timbits back up and fed them some grapes before stuffing them back in the tube.

It did indeed itch.

—

Month 4

“I think these are my least favourite monsters in the history of ever.” Aishablue complained, as she continued sponging off her boots. “They swarm, get into your clothes, and make an awful mess when you squish them.”

“Least they’re not hard to fight, eh?” Raysdotter remarked, cleaning her mace and wiping off her leather. “Wrathgrapes suits ‘em for a name.”

“I think we can say we’ve seen everything in the Vineyard now,” Balin said. Unlike the rest, his armour was still gleaming. Everyone gave him an angry glare.

They’d now fully mapped out The Vineyard, cataloguing all the wildlife and laying out the common locations for dungeon ingredients. The ecosystem was usually quite simple in the first zone in dungeons, and Cascadia followed suit. The Vineyard mostly contained mounds of timbits, swarms of keggers and growlers, the Wrathgrapes, and the occasional wandering brown and red elementals that the party had taken to calling ‘Alementals’.

Other than that, there were a lot of trellises covered in mana-filled grapes, a smattering of sheds that were usually full of keggers but also could contain barrels of actual booze, a few apple and pear orchards, and an endless supply of completely mundane grass.

“Then, let’s head into the forest!” Starshine pointed at the forbidding woods.

The forest was nothing like the Darkwood, as light filtered through the branches, giving it an almost mystical feel. It was filled with evergreens and odd red five-pointed leaf trees that Pete had called maples.

And for some reason, the scent wafting out of the woods was sweet.