Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

The forest in Cascadia was very different from the Darkwood in Greenwood. It was more verdant, and felt cleaner – more alive and less like death. It was a nice feeling, and the sounds of birdsong made it almost pleasurable. They’d taken to calling it the Redwood, both in reference to the star shaped red leaves on many of the trees, and in homage to their beloved Minnova.

Even the monsters were similar.

“But why is it called Chicken of the Woods?” Flowerpott asked as they cooked the yellow spongey flesh over the fire.

“Because it tastes like chicken?” Raysdotter mused.

“I do not know what dwarves think chicken tastes like, but that is not it.” Aishablue quipped.

“Pete’s got that new tongue changin’ Ability. We could ask him.” Balin remarked.

“It’s delicious, is what it is.” Starshine gushed, chewing on a skewer of the mushrooms. “They’ll be an instant export. Thank the Gods that stuff originally from the dungeon can still get through the door. I’d been worried about that!”

“Just no living monsters.” Aishablue nodded. “Very kind of Barck.”

“Unless you bring ‘em in.” Flowerpott snickered, caressing his tube of Assorted Timbits

“Delicious,” Starshine said again, munching away.

—

“Delicious,” Pete agreed, following his mouthful of mushfolk with a foaming beer. “And there are lots of ‘em?”

“Aye,” Starshine said, pulling out a map and pointing at a few areas outlined in red. “Mostly here, and here.”

Pete looked over the map and nodded appreciatively.

“How’s yer ambassadorial work treating you?” Raysdotter asked, grinning. “You ready to chop off any heads yet?”

“Ugh, Midna’s Mangy Mullet, yes.” Pete swore. “I’m tryin’ ta get my brewing school set up, and I’m runnin’ into annoying little roadblocks at every corner. It’s not sabotage, per se, but the underlyin’ subtext of ‘you could just swear to the King and make this all easier’ is right there.”

Raysdotter snorted. “Sounds like royalty.”

“Plus, I’m not used to building with plants. Do I use trees or gourds? How do I even choose??”

“Beats me.”

“Mhm.” Pete leaned in and asked quietly. “So… did I do somethin’ ta make Aishablue and Flowerpott mad at me?”

Raysdotter looked at the two gnomes who were seated on the far side of the table, shooting angry glances their way. She giggled. “Aye, you’ve got a weird monster in your dungeon, y’know?”

“Weirder than Timbits?” Pete snorted.

“Yup. They’re called Forest Gnomes, according to the Archstone. They’re ankle-high little buggers with sharp teeth and tall triangular ears that look like a pointy blue hat. They’re covered in red fur and chatter like squirrels, but have the faces of baby gnomes with white handlebar moustaches. They’re a bit disturbing, eh? Not

“Oof.” Pete groaned, and gave the two gnomes a sick smile.

Flowerpott shot a rude gesture back.

The 6th Month of the Year 8001

“It’s a bear.” Raydotter chimed.

“It’s a deer.” Flowerpott cheered.

“And it’s drunk.” Starshine sighed.

“It’s a Beer!” Aishablue shouted.

“AND IT’S CHEWIN’ ME BLOODY BEARD OFF! GERRIT OFFA ME!” Balin roared, desperately using his shield to keep the red-eyed, sharp toothed, antlered beast away from his neck. With his free hand he pulled an Assorted Timbits from around his neck and fired it into the monster’s face. It reared back, pawing at its freshly powdered and itching eyes.

“[Basic Charge]!” Sharshine called, smashing into the beast from the side. Her mace found its head, and it died instantly, collapsing to the ground in a tangle of fur and hooves.

Another four of the Beers came charging into the clearing, bellowing. The two in the lead tripped over their own hooves, coming to rest in a tangle of angry limbs, and one screeched to a skidding stop before wandering off distracted into the woods.

“These things are hilarious!” Flowerpott crowed, as Manny caught the final beast’s charge on a razor sharp sickle claw. It gave a confused bleat before turning and running away. “They really are just like drunk dwarves!”

“We are nothing like that.” Starshine growled. “This is demeaning!”

“Hah! After those Forest Gnomes you lot have nothing to complain about!” Aishablue let out a peal of laughter. “And ‘Beers’ is just a perfect name for them.”

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The ‘Beers’ were skinny bear things with deer antlers and four hooves, and they really did act like drunken dwarves. Sometimes they just wandered past, hiccuping, and other times they were angry drunks and wouldn’t stop chasing you until you knocked them out or killed them. And they often traveled in grumbles. They weren’t quite as dangerous as the Chicken Of The Woods, but they could be devastating in big groups.

“Gods, this dungeon.” Balin sighed, getting to his feet. “I need to have a talk with Pete.”

—

Balin stared at his brother in shock.

“Really? You think you’ve found another of those Chosen?”

Pete nodded, his face serious. “Aye, I think I ‘ave. I’m not too sure yet, and I’ve got Joseph looking into it. I ran into her at a tea shop. I’m almost positive that she’s from my world. She seems harmless enough, but we’re taking it safe for now.”

“Ach, seems like you’re just as busy as we are.”

“Aye. Anything new to report?”

Balin shook his head. “We’re deep into the Redwood now. Still no boss monsters yet, but it’s gettin’ to be about time.”

“Any good places for a teleporter yet?”

“Naw. Places high enough in Mana for that would have a boss nearby. We find the boss, we find a good spot for the teleporter!”

7th Month of the Year 8001

When they weren’t spending time in the dungeon, team Brighstar was on guard duty alongside Lady Laurelstone. They weren’t needed that often, but they did enjoy the odd opportunity here and there to step away from the grueling effort of adventuring.

Today was one of those days. They were arrayed to help keep the peace as Cascadia finally opened to the general public of Tree.

The entrance door was located in a prime part of the Boughs, under the Greybough to be precise, courtesy of a friendly gesture from Joseph.

Pete rubbed his hands with glee at the veritable sea of gnomes, dwarves, elves, giants, and beastfolk standing outside. “Isn’t it exciting? First row seats for the opening of the first trans-dimensional bar in Erd!”

“Are you sure it’s the first?” Balin asked, curious.

“Aye. I had Richter look into it. Aqua even made a sign.” Pete pointed to a banner hanging from the tree, which read, ‘Grand Opening of the Thirsty Goat’s Liminal Inn – First Trans-Dimensional Bar in Erd!’

“How are we gonna serve this many people, though?” Balin asked, looking out over the crowd. “The folks from Crack are already in there, right?”

“Hard work? Effort?”

“Ah, so that’s why Aqua was swearing so much.”

Pete chuckled. “We’ll see how it goes today. But I think we may need to get some extra help.”

Balin looked out over the boisterous and growing crowd. “Less may, more will.”

8th Month of the Year 8001

“RUN FASTER!!!”

“Manny can only hold it for so long!” Flowerpott screeched as they leapt a log. “Someone carry me! [Remote Control!]”

Starshine grabbed the gnome as he fell limp in their arms. Behind them, a deep honking din was mixed with the sound of shattering glass.

“NO! MANNY!!!” Flowerpott cried, coming back to himself. He tried to jump out of Starshine’s arms and go back the way they’d come.

“We can go back later!” Raysdotter screamed. “What is that thing!”

“It’s gotta be the boss!!” Balin replied from the back of the group. He was the heaviest armoured after Starshine, but lacked all her movement Abilities. “It looks kinda like a duck, so it must be the ‘Canada Goose’ Pete talked about!”

“Geese are majestic creatures of life and water! Not whatever in tha Nether that was!” Aishablue screeched.

“It’s got the antlers of that other one he mentioned as a possibility, what was it?”

“A moose!!!” Aishablue replied, her tiny legs churning as fast as her robe allowed.

Behind them there was an angry honk followed by a thundering of webbed feet, before a monstrous shape burst through the forest. It stood nearly as tall as the trees, with an impressive rack of antlers, each the size of carriage. Its face was somewhat reminiscent of a horse, with thick lips and wide nostrils.

Its body however, was more like the terrifying ducks that roamed the riverways of Erd. It had the wide taloned wings and the wicked clawed and webbed orange flippers. It’s body was mostly off white, with mottled brown markings along its back and black on its wing tips. It gave another angry honk as it lowered its antlered head and charged, wings wide and flapping. Its head smashed fallen trees, unfallen trees, and stumps alike, splinters flying into the air as deadly shrapnel.

“It’s a GOOOOSE!” Raysdotter shrieked, her mirth briefly drowning out her terror.

“It’d better not be called that!!!” Starshine groaned.

Behind them, the Goooose came to a sudden stop as its wings tangled in some low lying ivy. It honked and screeched, then hissed in a low rumble that filled the air around them and sent all the songbirds flying into the sky.

They didn’t stop running until they were back in the Liminal Inn.

—

“Ahaha! Did you manage to kill it yet?” Prince Elijah asked. Raptor’s Respite had finally been granted access to the dungeon and were making their way through The Vineyard. Like Brightstar, they were taking their time to make sure nothing had been missed.

Tonight they were all gathered in the inn, sharing food and stories with the Thirsty Goat crew.

Alongside Prince Elijah, the team had two other elves – one a jolly green giant and the other another beastfolk, as well as an actual giant, and a rather debonair gnome. The team was pretty front loaded, with prince Elijah and the two giants serving as heavy fighters, and the mage gnome and the archer beastfolk serving as a backline. The gnome had struck up a quick romance with Aishablue and the two of them were muttering sweet magical nothings to each other in a secluded corner of the inn.

“It does sound like a moose and a goose. Gooose is a brilliant name for it.” Pete said, grinning at Raysdotter. She grinned back.

“What a bout a Mooose?” Aqua asked.

Pete shook his head. “Nah, makes it sound like a cow.”

“We may need to fight it together.” Raysdotter sighed. “When we’re sure there’s nothing else around.”

“And break the guild rules?” Elijah asked, grinning. He pointed to a desk that was being built next to the exit to the dungeon. It was of standard Adventurer’s Guild design, and would serve as a Guild request and return station. It had been a while coming, and Pete had managed to get some great concessions out of the Guild for it.

“We’re the only two teams in there.” Starshine scoffed. “And what the Guild doesn’t know can’t hurt it.”

Respite’s Southerner human, a dark skinned young southerner woman by the name of Hildegarde, laughed and slapped Starshine on the metal shoulders. “An excellent plot! I agree, Elijah, let’s do it when we're done with the Vineyard!”

“We’ll see. For now, while we haven’t yet found the boss of the Vineyard, we did manage to find this!” Elijah said proudly, thumping a keg on the table.

“More beer?” Pete asked, leaning forward. The beers in the Vineyard barrels were a solid mix of Crackian beers; they'd even found a barrel of Assblaster once.

“Speaking of which, how’s your beer lessons going, Pete?” Annie asked as she cuddled up to Balin.

“Not bad, not bad. The brewery is up and running, and I’ve got a good crew. Give it another month and I think it’ll be self sufficient. Can’t happen soon enough; this job’s been eating up my life. I’ve barely gone outside in months.” He sighed, and lay his head on the table.

“Well, then let’s crack this open and cheer you up,” The prince said, his smile wide.

“It’d need to be some damn good beer.” Pete said, his voice muffled on the table.

The prince’s smile grew wider, and sharklike. “It’s not beer. It’s wine.”

When he came to, with a splitting headache, Balin decided that elven wine was excellent. But it just didn’t quite pull on the heartstrings like a good Sacred Brew.

—

1st Month of the Year 8002

And just like that, a year passed in the blink of an eye and the swing of an axe.