Divinity Detox: Gods Gone Viral

The Celestial Banquet Hall was a monument to divine excess. Marble floors shimmered with constellations stolen from mortal astronomers, chandeliers dripped with crystallized stardust, and the air smelled like ambrosia and poor decisions. Dionysus, slumped in a corner, had turned the River Styx into a karaoke stage, belting out off-key hymns about “wine, women, and accidentally starting wars.”

At the head of the table, Zeus—king of gods, master of lightning, and chronic overcompensator—slammed his goblet down hard enough to crack the table. “True power,” he roared, his beard crackling with leftover lightning, “is making mortals grovel for rain! One flick of my finger, and they’ll name their firstborns after me—or drown in hurricanes!”

Loki, draped over a throne of stolen halos like a cat who’d swallowed a galaxy, snorted. “Power is ruining rain. Ever heard of a ‘drought meme’? Mortals love those. They’ll hashtag your face into oblivion.” He flicked a grape at Zeus, which sizzled midair. “Subtlety, old man. Try it.”

Sun Wukong swung from a chandelier, his tail snatching a roasted peacock mid-plummet. “Power is doing whatever you want! Like this!” He hurled a peach pit at Hera’s tiara, ricocheting it into a bowl of ambrosia. Golden nectar splattered across the fresco of the First Titan War, erasing Poseidon’s face.

Kali, juggling four wine glasses and a toddler demigod who’d already eaten three of Dionysus’ hangover grapes, snapped, “Power is surviving this chaos without smiting someone!” Her third arm yanked the toddler, Ravi, out of a fruit platter. “No, Ravi! Those grapes are cursed!”

Prometheus, silent until now, rose. The room hushed—not out of respect, but because he’d once turned Ares into a Wi-Fi router for a week. “Enough squabbling. Let’s settle this… with a bet.”

Zeus squinted. “A bet?”

“Live as mortals,” Prometheus said, his smile sharper than Hades’ tax audits. “No powers, no glory. First to regain godhood wins. Losers become… influencers.”

The hall erupted.

“Influencers?” Hera hissed, her tiara dripping ambrosia. “I am the Queen of Olympus, not some TikTok clown!”

Loki grinned, already drafting his first thirst trap. “I’ll take it! Mortals love a bad boy with daddy issues.”

Anansi, the trickster spider god, wove silken threads into a glowing contract. “Oh, and your Wi-Fi password is RagnarokWasAnInsideJob.”

Zeus, three goblets deep and blinded by ego, slammed his fist. “Deal!”

The gods tapped the “ACCEPT” button, ignoring the fine print (“By signing, you forfeit souls to God 2.0”) buried under glittering emojis.

Anansi cackled, his eight eyes gleaming. “Game on.”

The floor vanished.

They fell.

Scene 2: The Descent

Zeus bellowed curses, lightning bolts fizzling out as his divinity drained. Loki, ever the opportunist, snatched Hera’s tiara mid-plummet. “Collateral!”

Kali clung to Ravi, who giggled as they spun through the void. “MOMMY. JUICE,” he demanded, oblivious to the cosmic freefall.

Sun Wukong backflipped onto a passing comet. “Woo! Mortal life’s gonna be lit!”

Prometheus watched from the shadows, whispering to a hologram of Hecate 2.0, his AI assistant. “Phase One: Harvest their divine energy. Phase Two: Launch God 2.0.”

The hologram flickered. “Calculating… 87% chance they’ll fail.”

“Good,” Prometheus muttered. “Let them burn.”

Scene 3: Crash Landing

Thor face-planted into a pile of gym mats, his “Mjölnir Fitness” sign crashing down behind him.

“By Odin’s Wi-Fi,” he groaned, spitting out a protein bar wrapper.

Kali landed in a suburban backyard, Ravi immediately hurling a sippy cup into a flowerbed. The ground trembled.

“No, sweetie,” she sighed. “Not another sinkhole—”

Too late. A portal to Helheim yawned open, swallowing a garden gnome.

Loki materialized in a Starbucks, his stolen tiara melting into a latte. The barista blinked. “Uh… name?”

“Loki,” he purred. “Spelled C-H-A-O-S.”

Scene 4: Prometheus’ Gambit

Prometheus stood in his Tesla factory lair, screens flashing with data:

Divine Energy Stolen: 97%

God 2.0 Beta Launch: T-minus 7 days

He tapped a glowing battery labeled “Mjölnir Core”. “Soon, Thunder Thighs, you’ll power the future.”

Scene 5: Mortal Life Begins

Thor stared at his gym’s Yelp reviews:

★☆☆☆☆ “Thor ‘accidentally’ summoned lightning during Zumba. My hair’s still smoking.”

Loki’s first TikTok—a slow-mo of Zeus face-planting—racked up 10K likes.

Kali scrubbed crayon off the walls while Ravi opened a portal to the underworld. Again.

Prometheus smiled. “Let the games begin.”

Next Time:

Thor’s treadmill explodes (blame Coyote).

Kali’s sinkhole becomes a tourist trap.

Loki livestreams Zeus’ meltdown.

Prometheus launches God 2.0’s beta test.

Chapter 2 Preview:

Thor’s gym becomes a meme, Kali battles HOA drones, and Loki monetizes divine chaos.