Divinity Detox: Gods Gone Viral

If Buddha had learned anything from centuries of enlightenment, it was this:

Mortals ruin everything.

Greed? Attachment? Poorly coded software? Same cycle, different age.

Which was why, at this very moment, he was furiously tapping at his phone, trying to stop a divine cyberattack from inside a Starbucks.

"Submit… to the upgrade…"

The words flickered across his screen, distorting the app he had personally designed—OmVana, a meditation app meant to promote balance.

Right now, however, it was glitching.

Buddha sighed. "Well, that’s not ominous."

A barista glanced over. "Uh, sir? Your phone is… smoking."

Buddha smiled serenely. "So is the illusion of free will, but here we are."

Then, the screen cracked itself.

A burst of divine static hit him like a shockwave, and he barely had time to register the encrypted message before his phone bricked itself entirely.

It only had three words.

God 2.0 Loading.

Buddha exhaled slowly.

"Yeah, okay. That’s ba

Three minutes later, Buddha sat in the back of a beat-up Prius, sipping a chamomile tea while his phone—now completely fried—lay in his lap.

"One-star experience," he muttered. "Not very zen."

"Not my fault," came the driver’s gruff voice. "If you wanted enlightenment, you should’ve walked."

Buddha glanced up.

The driver was Guan Yu, the Chinese God of War, brotherhood, and honor—once a legendary warrior, now a very aggressive Uber driver.

"You’re still doing this?" Buddha asked, raising an eyebrow.

Guan Yu—famed for his loyalty, battlefield prowess, and the fact that he once beheaded a man in a single stroke—gripped the wheel tightly.

"This pays better than celestial bureaucracy," he muttered.

Buddha sighed. "And your rating?"

Guan Yu scowled. "Some mortal gave me three stars because I ‘drove too aggressively.’ I drove efficiently."

"You chased a guy through Chinatown with a spear."

"He insulted my parallel parking."

Buddha took a slow sip of tea. "Maybe I should’ve taken a Lyft."

The Prius skidded to a stop outside an abandoned Tesla factory.

Buddha stepped out, brushing the wrinkles from his robe. "Alright. Subtle infiltration. Low profile. No weapons."

Guan Yu immediately unsheathed his guandao—his massive, crescent-bladed war spear

Buddha sighed. "Right. That’s… subtle."

They entered the warehouse, ducking behind stacks of half-built self-driving cars. The air hummed with divine interference—power siphoned from gods like Tommy, Kara, and Loki, condensed into batteries labeled "FOR TESTING PURPOSES ONLY."

"Prometheus’ workshop," Buddha murmured. "Where divine power goes to die."

Before they could move, a voice echoed from the speakers.

"Ah, Buddha. I was wondering when you'd show up."

Buddha’s fried phone turned itself back on, the shattered screen flickering with a familiar, grinning face.

Prometheus.

"Can’t stay out of my business, can you?" the Titan’s voice purred. "Come to witness the future?"

Buddha sighed. "More like to delete your entire existence, but sure, let’s call it sightseeing."

Prometheus chuckled. "You never did appreciate progress. That’s why I made an upgrade."

The lights flickered.

Buddha’s meditation app reopened itself—but instead of calming chants, it played pure static.

Then—the factory doors slammed shut.

Above them, a dozen surveillance drones powered up, their eyes glowing with divine code.

Guan Yu twirled his spear. "I’m guessing we fight now?"

Buddha took another sip of tea. "Yeah, I’m thinking we fight now."

To be continued…