Heretical Fishing

Book 4: Chapter 28: Trash Panda

“Wowww!” the pink slime said, staring up at Maria and jiggling all over. “Words. Are. So. Fun!”

I looked at Claws. Claws looked at me. We looked at Maria. Maria looked at us. We all looked at the slime.

“Hiiiii!” it squeaked. “Nice to finally talk to… well, it’s nice to finally talk at all! Oh. My. Goodness was it hard not being able to communicate for so long! But I guess I was kinda dumb then, so I didn’t even know how to? That’s something to be thankful for, I think! That I was too silly to know how hard it was!”

Beady yet undeniably cute eyes focused on Claws, who was staring back with an open mouth, her needle-sharp teeth reflecting the slime’s light as it turned into a crystal that balanced on Maria’s arm.

“Wowwww! You’re pretty like I am! You never used to look like that, did you? I remember! I can see right through you, but your body…” A quick pulse of energy came from the slime—it was a slime again, by the way—and my head rocked back.

The chi was Maria’s. It had come from her core. And the slime—nope, crystal—had used it freely.

“Wooooowwwww!” it squealed at Claws. “Your body isn’t real! Or I guess it’s more accurate to say that it isn’t physical? You’re made up of chi! That’s like, super cool! I’m gonna touch you now.” It shivered as if cold. “Oh my! That’s rude, isn’t it? Is it okay if I touch you? I—” It whirled to my left. “Oh my gosh! My crabs! You guys, it's meee!”

Distracted, I hadn’t registered the approach of Snips and Rocky. The slime looked at them expectantly. They looked at the slime. Snips looked at Maria. Rocky looked at me. Maria looked at nobody, her eyes staring into the distance like she’d seen a ghost. The racoon woke up, letting out an open-mouthed yawn.

Rocky pointed down. That’s a raccoon, he stated, trying to appear unbothered.

He pointed at the slime, a slight shake entering his claw. That’s… that’s the pond.

Snips blew affirmative and astonished bubbles, her eye flicking between the slime and the raccoon, who gazed back without a care in the world.

Rocky nodded, managing to keep his composure as he… nevermind. I couldn’t even finish the sentence before he lost his absolute shit.

The lines on his shell flared the color of magma, and three and a half cigarettes—where did they keep coming from, and why did he have half a cigarette?—appeared from nowhere, gripped in one powerful clacker. With movement so swift anyone but a cultivator would miss it, he lit them on the red lines of his carapace, held them to his mouth, and inhaled a single, continuous breath.

All three and a half sticks glowed a bright orange as they swiftly shrunk. He paused for a moment, the rage and confusion in his heart threatening to boil over. I half thought the old version of Rocky would explode into being.

But as I felt something within his core, a circulation of chi I didn’t quite understand, he visibly calmed. A moment later, Rocky finally exhaled—he looked and sounded like the smokestack of a steam train.

“Okay,” I cut in, waving the exhaust fumes from my face. “I’m aware you’re sworn to secrecy, Rocky, but I need to know that it’s not the chemicals in the cigarettes that just calmed you down.”

Now back to his cool self, and with a seemingly effortless but definitely deliberate lean—seriously, how did a crab give off punk vibes?—Rocky nodded.

Not chemical, his soft hiss told me. He chucked all four butts into his maw, where they dissolved upon his volcanic... do crabs have tongues?

The fire sticks are but a component, Rocky continued, his bubbles containing wisps of smoke. I cannot speak of it more, my friend, lest my honor be impugned. Shall we discuss more pressing matters, such as the arrival of a new animal compatriot, or the physical manifestation of my mistress’s beloved pond?

“Hold on,” Maria cut in. “What about Claws?”

“What about Claws?” I found myself repeating, voice incredulous. “Are you trying to gloss over the fact that you just bonded with a familiar? It’s tied to your core, right?”

Said familiar made a burbling sound that resembled the clearing of a throat, which was a pretty good replication considering it didn’t have one. “Sorryyyy, but I don’t like being called ‘it.’”

“Oh. My bad. That was kind of insensitive. What would you like…” I trailed off as I remembered I was talking to a fracking body of water, and a line formed between my eyebrows.

“A boy!” Maria’s familiar answered, unbothered that I hadn’t finished the question. “My master likes boys, so I wanna be that!”

I could feel the love for Maria flowing from the chatty little fella. It was purely platonic, so I gave him a nod of understanding. “As good a reason as any. I’ll make sure not to call you ‘it’ from now on. Sorry again. I didn’t mean—”

“Fischer!” Maria yelled, shielding the raccoon’s ears so her voice wouldn’t startle it. She jabbed her chin to my right. “You’re the one glossing over things! Can we address the lightning-filled otter in the room?”

Corporal Claws stood to her full height and puffed her chest out, jolts sparking as she preened under the attention.

“Oh, that?” I shrugged. “Yeah, Claws is like… the embodiment of lightning now. Chaos, too. It’s a whole thing.”

The otter’s head darted toward me, her preening coming to an end as she jabbed a paw my way and chirped an accusation.

“Is it a big deal, though…? I thought it was pretty normal to—” I held up my hands as clouds gathered above. “Kidding! I’m kidding! It was playing it down on purpose!”

Claws raised an illuminated brow at me, daring me to push it.

“I still can’t believe it…” Maria, despite holding a baby raccoon and having just bonded a slimey crystal companion, was watching Claws with wonder-filled eyes. “You’re really made of lightning. It feels... wow...”

“It does feel wow!” Her familiar, who had remained as a slime for a good minute now, agreed. “My comprehension of this place and all of you is still pouring in from Maria, but—” His entire body vibrated like it had just received a notification. “Wow! There are people we can heal? Wonderful! What was I saying? Oh yes! Your body is very wow, Corporal Claws!”

Her entire upper torso wiggled around in delight. If the laws of physics applied to her, she likely would have toppled over. Stop iiiit, she cooed, one paw extended and waving up and down in faux embarrassment.

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“Apollo’s precious-metal shafts!” I swore. “I’ve got it!”

“Uhhh,” Maria replied. “You’ve got what?”

“Slimes!”

“... Wha—”

“Slimes!” I repeated, my eyes flicking between Maria and Slimes. “Specialist Slimes.”

“Absolutely not!” Maria pulled her arm—and Specialist Slimes—closer to her torso. “You don’t get to name my companion. You didn’t even ask him if he wanted one!”

I kneeled down, leaning toward Specialist Slimes with a conspiratorial look. “Wanna know why the name is brilliant, Slimes?”

“Oh yeah!”

“No!” Maria replied at the same time. After only a moment, she let out a sigh, deflating. “Fine. On with it, then.”

“Wonderful! Thanks for asking!”

“Nobody ask—”

“The name’s brilliance is two-fold!” I yelled. “First, like the names An Entire Flock of Birds, Fat Rat Pack, and the Beetle Boys, Specialist Slimes implies multiple. With all the new awakenings, people have just been using their actual names. On the off chance there’s still some nefarious force watching, it’ll be good to chuck a wrench in the metaphorical mix.

“And that’s not all!” I continued, using my best infomercial voice. “If such a force does exist and tries to act against us, and you have to face them, you can just transform into a crystal! They’ll have no idea you’re actually Slimes!”

A loud whistle cut through the following silence. Claws applauded with such vigor that sparks flew and fake tears—which were really just electricity—rolled down her cheek. Master is brilliant! she scream-chirped. His magnificent mind will take us to the heavens!

As glad as I was for her approval, it was someone else’s that I needed.

My eyes drifted back to the being I was already calling Slimes. He buzzed, slowly switching between his hard and squishy forms. The time between transitions decreased as he looked up at Maria. His beady little eyes conveyed meaning I had no hope of deciphering. Wait, was that… guilt? Why would he—

Maria cut my pondering off with a resigned sigh. “I can’t believe I’m about the say this, but I don’t hate it either.”

“It’s decided, then!” I clapped my hands together, sealing the name with sharp finality. “Welcome to the squad, Specialist Slimes!”

Maria’s cheek twitched, and after a second’s consideration, she whispered, “Specialist Slimes…”

I may not have been directly bonded to him, but I was connected to Maria. A tiny, almost-undetectable drop of chi split from her core and made its way into Slimes. I expected him to jiggle in response or something. Instead, he went semi-liquid, melting into the crook of her arm.

Before I could question the event, a loud bark drew my attention, and I spun to give the incoming crew a questioning look. Behind me, riding Pistachio like a tour bus, came the rest of the animals. Cinnamon was on the stoic lobster’s head, striking a magnificent pose, arms crossed and gaze intense. To her rear, Borks’s eyes were similarly impassioned. His tail wagged so fast that, if he was to pass by a field of dried cane, it might catch fire.

Perched tall and proud, Bill and Pelly surveyed their domain. They were almost two meters off the ground, which one might think makes little sense—how could they be both atop Pistachio and that far off the ground? Well… it wasn’t Pistachio their webbed feet rested upon.

Straddling Pistachio’s back, a rear leg on either side of the giant sea-snipper’s carapace, Teddy refused to look me in the eye, his head hanging so low that the pelicans had to shuffle backward lest they fall off.

The longer I watched their plodding approach—Pistachio clearly going slow on purpose—the worse Teddy’s shame grew. When he leaned down far enough that Borks could only maintain eye-contact with me by leaning sideways past the bear’s noggin, I finally decided to absolve them of their sins.

“Guys… I realize that I asked you to stay behind, but that was only so we didn’t disturb Maria’s meditation.” I stepped to the side, and their faces lit up when they saw her. “She’s awake, the raccoon is healed, and there’s someone else you need to meet…”

Not needing any further introduction, the slime-shaped being leaped into Maria’s palm—she lobbed him forward. By the time he landed, he was crystalline, a pointed base lodging into the sand before Pistachio. “Hiiii! My name’s Slimes!” He shimmered a little.“I’m a boy!”

If the squad’s passage had been glacial before, now they were so frozen that they could have been encased by permafrost. They all stared downward, their senses and eyes exploring the multi-faceted light of Maria’s bonded familiar.

I was already aware that Borks and Cinnamon had already known some sort of breakthrough occurred; the intensity of their gazes upon arrival had given it away. But even with this advantage over the others, the reality wedged in the ground before them seemed to hit their restart buttons.

Borks broke the stalemate first. Despite a distance of five meters, he tore a tunnel through space—and it was his fastest creation yet. He kicked off as a golden retriever, but by the time his head exited the portal before Slimy, his ears were long and floppy. The only one fast enough to join him was Cinnamon, who grabbed said ears for dear life, flatting himself against his back.

That’s a new form, I thought. I wonder why Borks chose to be a Basset Houn… oh.

The question was immediately answered when he pressed a wet nose against one of Slimy’s crystal faces. He huffed a breath that never seemed to end as he circled the pond spirit, sniffing him from every possible angle.

Cinnamon snuck some in too, using what looked like kung fu movements to smell him. Though the rest didn’t get so close as those two, they all joined the inspection, a series of snorts and appraising glances followed by animal sounds that all seemed to ask the same thing: what are you…?

Specialist Slimes was all too happy to answer, his high-pitched words zooming out into the night. “I’m the tidal pond and I’ve like totally been kinda sapient for a while now but I didn’t realllly have the ability to talk or think all that much! I know all of you, though! Because you’ve entered the tranquility of my waters, I know just how hard your shells and how soft your furs—ooooh!” He buzzed as a crystal, then wiggled as a slime. “Corporal Claws! I Don’t know what your new body feels like! Can I touch you? Pleeeease?”

Though Claws replied with a nonchalant chirp, I didn’t miss the fur on her neck standing at attention. Slimes flattened, then launched himself at her. Even if I’d not noticed Claws’s hidden attentiveness, her intentions were reflected in her eyes. But who was I to stop a little mischief?

“Thank you for the permission!” Slimes spat in a rush, “I really appreciate it and I’m hoping that if I better understand what you’ve become a bond of trust and friendship can develop between us and—”

The moment he made contact, lightning chi shot from Claws and into his gelatinous form. The rapid-fire sentence was replaced by a sound not dissimilar to a kettle boiling over.

“Corporal Claws!” Maria chided, attempting to rescue her slime familiar with a chi-covered hand… because she didn’t yet know that Claws’s empowered electricity would pierce right through the barrier. Paradoxically, the thing that saved Maria from joining the zapped club was the tiny little creature in her arms.

Claws might be a trickster, but she wouldn’t hurt an innocent animal—especially the racoon she had rescued not even an hour ago. She withdrew her electricity for only a fraction of a second, but that was all I needed. I grabbed her by the scruff and threw her skyward. She sailed into the sky like a rocket, then turned with ease, gracefully landing back on the sand.

She shrugged and let out a soft chirp. It was simply in her nature.

“Wow! That was a lot! Thank you!” Slimes shook himself free of Maria’s grasp, not at all offended by the trap. “What percentage of your power did you just subject me to? It felt almost like my very being was vibrating, but I know you can do stronger than that!”

As their conversation continued, I zoned out, instead choosing to focus on the dire threat perched in Maria’s arms. My worst fears had been confirmed. This creature, the raccoon, was only a baby. It had been rescued from the ocean, magically healed, and was now watching a sapient blob yap it up with a lightning otter. It… no, he, I corrected based on the anatomy displayed as he lounged against Maria, lifted a leg, and scratched the inside of his thigh.

I willed my awareness to sense his emotions—all I felt was curiosity, hunger, and boredom.@@novelbin@@

“You’re hungry, huh?” I asked.

He blinked back at me, able to tell I was addressing him, but unable to decipher my words.

Bill, who had been peering sideways at Slimes, hopped forward and opened his beak wide. There were three baby fish in his pouch, and I hoped—prayed—that an open mouth with the ability to swallow the raccoon whole would finally give it some pause.

Instead, the little devil leaped directly inside. Using the yellow pouch as a hammock, he consumed the fishy morsels with gusto, devouring one before dual-wielding the last two as he took bite after bite.

It was funny enough to make me blow air from my nose, but not funny enough to stop a sigh from escaping after it.

“We’re in for it when this little trash panda awakens.”