The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

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〈 Chapter 45 〉 Chapter 45. Journey.

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Hate the sin, love the sinner.

Well, the wording varied, but the general meaning was similar to what I just said.

Well, sure.

It's undoubtedly, a good saying.

But, if the ones who commit sins are none other than people, then how can you hate the sin and not hate the sinner?

Besides, sin is just a concept, a victim that doesn't actually do anything.

Shouldn't it be sin, that we shouldn't hate?

But people hate people.

Because sin has no physical form, it’s hard to hate.

Because people exist right before our eyes, it’s easy to hate.

Even though the price of hating others is that you end up loving yourself a little less.

Even though at the end of that burning hatred that consumes you, there's only a hollow emptiness.

People are not allowed to control the hatred that grows within them.

They try to erase what can't be erased.

They try to forget what can't be forgotten.

How, truly pitiful.

Often.

No, perhaps, always.

We hate because we don't understand, and we don't understand because we hate.

We have to understand why the other person made that choice, why they had no other choice, what drove them to do it.

Otherwise, that cycle of hatred will continue to spin endlessly, each one feeding off the other.

Like an ouroboros, hatred will never die, forever living by our side. (TL Note: ouroboros, a snake eating itself.)

Even if the end result is that it devours itself, it will never stop.

It will tenaciously cling to life, tormenting us.

That's why, I decided to stop.

"—I,understand."

"......Ah..!"

"....Let's go back… to our, home.."

Honestly, you all.

You really are hopeless.

**

Like a sudden accident that no one could have foreseen.

Like a disaster that appears in an instant without any warning and sweeps everything away.

A day that could have been described as ordinary, a day that would have ended happily, filled with joy and new memories, with us gently embracing each other, our hearts beating in unison.

That day, became a day that would be forever etched in our minds, for a different reason.

The pitiful sight of people, their necks torn out first, unable to even scream despite writhing in agony, their flesh ripped away from their bodies one by one by sharp beaks and teeth.

A miserable scene, where lives were forcibly prolonged only to inflict more pain, where the dignity of life had been thrown to the ground.

It was a living hell, descended upon this world.

The only sound that could replace their screams was the symphony of breaking bones and tearing flesh.

As everyone was engulfed in panic, about ten brave and reckless people, taking advantage of the distraction as everyone's attention was diverted, tried to break through the encirclement and escape.

They all fell, one after another, right before our eyes, reduced to cold lumps of meat, without a single twist of fate to save them.

The hundred or so villagers, who could only watch helplessly, were like pigs in a slaughterhouse, waiting for their turn, praying that their deaths would be painless.

Yes.

Nowhere was there any reflection or apology for Alice, whom they had pushed to her death.

A place where only sinners, concerned only for their own safety, existed.

The final destination for betrayers, Cocytus.

The deepest part of hell.

"....Han, are you listening?"

".........."

".....If you are, could you please open the door?"

Thump, thump, thump.

Gentle, yet firm.

The knocking, echoing at regular intervals, was like the personality of the person behind it.

The flimsy door, crudely made of thin planks, shook helplessly, just like me, unable to make any decisions, just being swayed by others.

The gap between the door and the wall widened and narrowed with each knock, and the ray of light that entered through the gap, the only source of light in the pitch-black room, also thickened and thinned due to it.

A red-tinged light, indicating it was either morning or evening, gradually grew longer as time passed, coming close enough to touch if I reached out my hand.

Dust particles that’s dancing in the air stood out even more prominently in that ray of light, oblivious to the world, freely floating as if nothing had happened.

Ignorantly.

Shamelessly.

I couldn't even bear to look at that small, fleeting beauty, and I covered my eyes with both arms.

Only then did true darkness embrace me.

It slowly enveloped me, as if saying that this was where I completely belonged, that the brightly lit world wasn't for me.

That fact, was so incredibly miserable.

"...It's been two days, Han. If you keep this up, you'll really die."

".........."

"....Please, won't you come out?"

Rumi's words, seemingly out of concern for my well-being.

The first thought that crossed my mind upon hearing her words was that I wished I could just die in my sleep.

No, even that would be a luxury for me.

Miserably, more pathetically than anything else, painfully.

That's how I have to die.

"...I left a few potatoes in front of the door….I'm leaving now."

"........."

Footsteps, dragging and hesitant, so unlike her, gradually faded away.

My hopes for a new life had been as high as the towering buildings that reached for the sky.

And the pain and shock of falling from that height were unbearable.

It was like a domino effect.

The relationships I thought I had built so securely crumbled at the slightest touch, as if they had been designed to collapse from the very beginning.

Even when I tried to protect them with my arms spread wide, even when I watched over them with bated breath, afraid of even a gentle breeze disturbing them, they would crumble right before my eyes.

Craaash, just like that.

A work I had painstakingly built over a long time.

But compared to all that effort, the time it took for the dominoes to fall was so short.

But still, it was okay.

Because I could endure it.

Even though the friendships I formed with others no longer lasted, even though they always crumbled.

Because I always had someone else to blame, a perfect escape route to avoid facing the cause of the broken relationship.

It's not my fault.

This is all their fault.

If only I hadn't been born into this crazy world, everything would have been fine.

I would have made friends, enjoyed traveling with my family, fallen in love with someone special.

That's what I thought.

That's why.

When I realized that the arrow I had shot was flying back towards me—

When I realized that I was the one who had broken the relationship, who had hurt the other person—

—I, despaired.

'.....Si..s….'

".......—!!!"

Rustle.

At the sound of her voice that brushed past my ears, I buried my head deep into the straw that thickly covered the floor.

I curled up, my eyes closed, covered my ears, denying everything, hoping to block out all sound.

But my fingers, jammed deep into my ears as if I wanted to pierce through them, couldn't block out the weak voice echoing in my head.

Instead, its presence only grew stronger, as if asserting itself, every time I covered my ears more tightly, every time I screamed.

Ah…

Aaah…

Yes.

I am a sinner.

I am a traitor!

I am, trash!!

I opened my mouth and shouted.

I muttered endlessly, confessing my sins.

To escape the crushing guilt.

To be forgiven for my sins, even just a little.

But in this space where there wasn't even a victim to ask forgiveness from, what meaning could my meaningless words have?

An apology, atonement, is something you offer to the victim.

"......Alice…"

Slowly, I lifted my head from the straw.

The red sunlight that had been entering through the narrow gap was long gone, and only darkness filled my dilated pupils.

I pulled the door open with a trembling hand, and the sharp, grating sound, unique to unoiled hinges, filled the air.

Thud, I felt something hit my outstretched foot, and then I heard the sound of something scattering.

".......Ah."

Steamed potatoes, rolled around in a mess next to the overturned basket.

Roll, roll, the potatoes rolled on the dirt floor.

I picked up one that was particularly covered in dirt and brought it to my mouth.

The cold, stiff potato, I bit into hard had tasted like nothing, buried under the burnt and bitter taste characteristic of dirt.

"....I have to go…"

Yes.

I had to go.

I threw away the potato I had been eating far away. Woof, woof, I heard the dog next door barking, happily munching on something. It's eating well.

According to Rumi, it had been two days, no, it was night now, so three days?

Having spent those long days just sitting there, my legs, which hadn't even stepped into the forest, were already trembling, protesting their limits.

I grabbed a piece of wood of a suitable length from the surroundings and used it as support as I started walking.

Tap, tap.

I walked, and walked, leaning on the stick.

I crossed the wooden palisade, the boundary of the village.

I walked through the swamp, filled with rotten leaves that reached my knees.

I passed the withered raspberry vines, killed by the cold.

I left behind the charred remains of an oak tree, presumably struck by lightning.

Tap, tap.

Facing the cold wind head-on, I walked on, one step at a time, my bleeding hand gripping the stick.

I endured, and endured, and endured some more.

This pain, was nothing compared to the pain I had endured so far.

This wound, couldn't even compare to a fraction of the pain I had inflicted on Alice.

How long did I walk like that?

"......Ah."

I saw a familiar tree.

I reached it, leaned against it, and collapsed to the ground.

That place, the sunny spot where I used to enjoy taking naps, was now filled with a chilling coldness.

I looked up at the moon, hidden behind the clouds, and closed my eyes.

Naturally, I couldn't see anything.

".......Haha."

My eyelids, little by little, slowly grew heavier.

Ah, I really hate this.

I hate it.

Maybe it would be better to just die like this.

Slowly, painfully, in the cold—

For me...

It really…

Re…ally…

Suits me…

In the darkness…

"…Really… Sis, if you sleep here, you’ll catch a cold—”

Just like back then.

A small voice, awakened me.

**

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