The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

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〈 Chapter 47 〉 Chapter 47. 17.

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Blessing in disguise.

Seventeen curses.

Seventeen blessings.

Is this a blessing, or a ridiculous curse?

"No one, knows."

**

"—Just disappear… from my sight!!"

".......Huh?"

The setting sun, painting the sky red, filled the classroom.

At that moment, which would evoke sentimental feelings for some, rekindling forgotten memories, I was listening to an untimely confession.

However, it was a confession that was far from what one would typically call a confession.

Because it was an incredibly ugly and vile confession.

"You always win at everything, and you just smile… What? 'I'll teach you anything you don't understand tomorrow?'"

"....Yeri...?"

"If you have everything, good grades, scholarships, and everything else, then just go somewhere high and far away! Don't bother with someone like me!!"

She scattered something in her hand. Flutter, papers filled with messy scribbles of letters and numbers danced in the air.

With a light sound, the test papers fell before me, one after another, like cherry blossom petals scattering in the wind.

There wasn’t a particular reason, or at least none I could think of.

My day, as usual, ended with pleasant interactions with my classmates. Today was no different.

It was always like this, that's why it was called everyday life.

So if there was a specific reason for this to happen, then all my actions so far would be the reason.

Yes.

This happened not because from just 'one' mistake, but because the suppressed, dark emotions had finally started to surface.

That fact, made me even more dumbfounded.

Neighbors, childhood friends, best friends.

There were many words that described our relationship.

From the time we were born to this moment, standing in a classroom of our middle school, we had spent the vast majority of our time together, excluding our families.

Perhaps, we had even spent more time together than with our families.

And maybe, just maybe, we had a deeper bond than with them.

That's why I had always boasted that our relationship was stronger than the countless labels that described it.

Truly, sincerely, to the point where I thought I would even give my life for her.

But was it, just a one-sided relationship?

Jealousy and envy.

I was so shocked to face those dark emotions from the person I considered to be my closest friend in this life that I couldn't speak.

I just stared at her face, blankly.

Even the words I heard didn't register properly.

Me?

You wish I didn't exist?

When I couldn't even open my mouth to say anything—the girl standing before me started pushing me even harder.

It was a lament about grades and scholarships.

It was a complaint about her relationships with others.

It was, a challenge to my very existence.

With each word she uttered, my head bowed lower and lower towards the ground.

And finally, her mouth, which had been moving tirelessly, blurted out a single phrase.

The words I hated to hear the most.

Sharp and piercing.

Digging into my heart—

"You've never even tried."

"......!!"

"—I tried so hard, but you just trampled on everything, you ruined everything."

I fell to my knees.

In that position, until the sun, hanging on the horizon, completely disappeared.

I just, kept my head bowed.

"........."

Sitting on the cold floor of the empty classroom, I remained kneeling, as if rooted to the spot.

Alone.

Continuously—

**

To understand the world and make the right judgment.

Even God considered it to be the most important of all virtues.

The long, long years, now impossible to count, were enough to bestow upon me something worthy of being called 'wisdom'.

It was knowledge about housekeeping, about morality and etiquette, and finally about academics and mental discipline.

Some might praise it as the product of talent and effort, but for me, it was nothing more than a lucky coincidence, something I had stumbled upon.

Undoubtedly helpful in life, it couldn't quell the turmoil that had taken root in my heart, despite all the grand titles it held.

"I.... I.... Why....? I shouldn't exist, no place... no meaning..."

My head was spinning.

My mouth was muttering nonsensical strings of words, not even forming proper sentences, without any conscious thought.

In my half-closed eyes, the shocking scene from before kept replaying again and again, like a video on loop.

I tried to shake off the thought by frantically shaking my head, but the scene from earlier, still vivid in my mind as if it were right before my eyes, wouldn't disappear.

It blamed me.

It cursed me.

Every time Yeri's mouth opened in my mind, my body flinched as if someone was stabbing me with a knife.

And at her final words, I couldn't help but raise my hand and squeeze my own throat.

Because that scene had ended with my closest friend, the one I trusted and relied on the most, denying everything I had worked for.

I want to deny it.

I don't want to accept it.

But I couldn't utter a single excuse.

Because no matter how absurd they seemed, they were all true.

Even if she had spoken thoughtlessly, just to vent her anger, those words were all undeniably my fault.

Because if it weren't for me, someone else would have been in that place.

Someone who had real effort, a beautiful passion for life, a 'real' person, would have been in my place.

So.

"...Ah... Aaah..."

—So I, had to punish myself.

**

People are always living their lives, as if they are being chased by something.

It remained true even after the invention of new modes of transportation that were hundreds of times faster than a human could run, even after the time it took to send a heartfelt postcard had been reduced by thousands of times.

They chase after something formless, and they are chased by something behind them.

Money, wealth, and fame. If you ask people why they work so hard, the answers vary, but if you look closely, you'll realize that it all boils down to one thing.

Time.

Or, what we call life and death.

Perhaps it's because life is finite that people work so hard to achieve something during their time on earth.

Some strive for a family that will accept them, some for their own happiness, some for a happy ending, and some cling to their fleeting lives like a burning candle.

Someone out there, even at this late hour, is studying diligently, dreaming of a better tomorrow.

Yes, just like Yeri.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

But what have I done, in front of those people?

I just sat there, taking up someone's place, enjoying what someone else should have been enjoying, and forcefully taking away something that someone had worked hard for, just like she said.

I had been unfairly enjoying the things that others deserved, just because I had lived countless meaningless lives that I could never be proud of.

Yes, she was right.

The ugly one, was none other than me.

"I'm really, really sorry...."

—Creak.

The pink scarf, pulled taut with my weight, was secured to a steel rebar poking out from the ceiling, making a straining noise.

The hole in the ceiling, caused by someone kicking a soccer ball in the classroom, had been left unrepaired for a week.

It was an unsightly hole, exposing the building's structure, and every time I saw it, I had felt a small discomfort, but now, I was incredibly grateful for it.

Because it felt like it existed solely for me, a worthless human being.

"I'm really… sorry, Yeri."

I slowly put my head into the small noose.

My trembling hands and the chair I stood on shook uncontrollably, as if they knew what was about to happen.

The tightly tied knot and the thick, long scarf would be more than enough to support my weight, a middle school student who was still teased for being small for her age.

All preparations were complete.

I was a truly irredeemable piece of trash, an arrogant sinner, a deceiver who had proudly boasted about the things she had unfairly gained.

I shouldn't have been born.

This repeating life, which I had thought was a blessing, was actually a curse.

So, please.

If a next life exists, please, don't let me be there.

And please, let this meaningless death, this pain, be a small atonement for those I have stolen from.

Let everything, return to its rightful place.

".........."

With that prayer.

I slowly, closed my eyes.

Before closing my eyes, I thought about the small, unassuming letter, lying on my desk—

Thud.

I kicked the chair away with my foot.

**

"Ugh.... Seriously…!!"

A pink-themed room, with a pink bed.

And on it, a middle school girl, wearing blue pajamas that clashed with her surroundings, was tossing and turning, kicking off her blanket.

Her eyes, seemingly filled with thoughts of someone, were welling up with tears.

"What should I do...!! Uh… Ah…!! Aaaaaaaaah!!!"

Thump, thump, thump.

While it's unclear what meaning there is to kicking the blanket, but seeing as the force only intensified with each kick, it didn't seem to have any calming effect.

Even so, she might not be able to endure it if she didn't do something, consumed by guilt over lashing out at her friend out of jealousy for her talents.

Perhaps what she hates most right now is herself, for being jealous instead of genuinely congratulating her friend on her success.

"...I'll apologize to her when I see her tomorrow."

Her precious friend, who was like another version of herself.

The girl who had always been kind and gentle, who would scold her for her unreasonable whims, but always help her, who would smile and accept her apologies, who would take her hand and drag her out for cake. Her best friend.

That's why she was a little angry at the thought of her friend leaving her behind, and conversely, the reality that she was becoming a burden, made her lash out at her friend.

"Uuu.... Tomorrow, I'll go to school a little early, and...."

Thinking about how to approach her friend tomorrow, she, Choi Yeri, slowly closed her cute eyes.

On a snowy Christmas. Clutching tightly the sky-blue pajamas she had exchanged for her pink scarf.

"...I'll say... I'm sorry…"

Surely, her friend.

Would accept her apology if she was sincere.

And just like always, they would hold hands, smiling, and go out to play.

With those thoughts.

"I have to.....I will…"

She closed her eyes.

And then, the sun rose.

A light fog settled.

Tomorrow, had arrived—

"…Eh...?"

"..........."

Dangling, dangling.

Hanging.

**

18.

At a young age, fell from a window.

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19.

Fell into a lake, didn't surface, and died just like that.

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20.

On a battlefield. After victory, he slit his own throat.

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21.

22.

23.

…

..

776.

**

777.

"This was a blessing."

I've realized the truth of the world.

And the value of my own life.

The mission I must fulfill.

Everything.

**

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