An Unexpected Proposal

July 23, 2020

"I can pretend I don’t know. I can turn a blind eye. But if I do that, I will never be able to rid myself of these doubts."

"…"

"I don’t want to doubt you."

Her head fell weakly, her hair cascading over her face. Gripping the hem of her dress, Alicia lifted her gaze once more.

She was afraid of the truth.

But she didn’t want to run from it.

"It was to protect you."

"To protect me?"

"You’re too vulnerable right now. I needed something—someone—to shield you."

"…And that’s all?"

"Yes."

"Liar."

Alicia bit her lip hard to suppress her tears.@@novelbin@@

If she hadn’t known him so well, she might have been fooled.

But she had come to understand him too much.

Even if she tried to look away, his lies were plain as day.

"If you only needed a shield, it didn’t have to be the princess of Christi, did it?"

"His Majesty arranged the meeting. And she…"

"She had something you wanted, didn’t she? Magic."

Alicia let out a bitter laugh.

Cabelenus reached out for her, but his hand froze in midair at the coldness in her eyes.

"You are the ruler of Schwarhan. I’m not ignorant of that. Making decisions for the sake of Schwarhan is your duty. And this land… it needs magic."

Her fingers tightened.

Schwarhan relied heavily on magic.

She knew that.

She knew that Cabelenus, as its leader, would see the Christi Kingdom as a crucial ally.

It was only natural for him to act in Schwarhan’s best interest.

But understanding it in her head and accepting it in her heart were two different things.

"I know it might seem like a misunderstanding to you."

"A misunderstanding? No, this isn’t a misunderstanding."

It was deception.

Her eyes reddened, but she did not cry.

She only glared at him.

"I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. But I had no other intention. I just… I didn’t want you to worry needlessly."

Cabelenus lowered himself to meet her gaze.

Alicia, unlike her usual self, bristled like a cat on edge, wary of him.

His stomach churned uneasily.

"Our promise hasn’t changed."

"And what promise is that?"

"That you will be my wife. That you will be the mistress of Schwarhan."

Cabelenus carefully took her hand, cupping it as if it were something fragile.

He remembered how she used to smile shyly whenever he held her hand.

"Don’t worry too much. This will pass. You don’t need to concern yourself with it."

"…How could I possibly not be concerned?"

"Because no matter how much you worry, nothing will change."

"Nothing will change?"

Alicia let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

At first, she had mistaken the look in his eyes for guilt.

But now she knew.

It wasn’t guilt.

It was unease.

And that realization took her breath away.

"Even if I had known beforehand… you still would have gone through with the engagement, wouldn’t you?"

"I know it might upset you. But this isn’t something to be emotional about."

His thumb gently brushed over the back of her hand, as if to soothe her.

But Alicia had no energy left to be comforted.

"Don’t think too much about it. The engagement is merely a formality. Your position won’t change."

"Of course it will. No matter the reason, you still lied to me. And because of that lie, I can no longer blindly trust you."

Her entire body trembled.

It hurt.

It hurt more than she could bear.

She had always felt unworthy of the emotions she harbored for him.

But the one who had shattered it all…

The one who had made everything crumble…

Was none other than the man she loved.

"The only reason I wanted to live, the only reason I ever thought about happiness… was because of you."

Her voice wavered.

She had to keep talking—had to force the words out—

Otherwise, she would break down completely.

Otherwise, she would drown in sorrow and never escape.

"I have nothing to offer you. So if you needed to form a relationship with the princess of Christi for the sake of Schwarhan, I have no right to complain."

"Alicia—"

"But not like this."

Alicia exhaled shakily.

"I will say it again. I never intended to have anything with the princess of Christi. And my desire to protect you—that was never a lie."

"That’s not what matters."

A bitter laugh slipped from her lips.

"Then what exactly is the problem?"

"…You still don’t understand why I’m acting this way, do you?"

Her face twisted with frustration.

She had hoped he wouldn’t realize.

But once again, she could see right through him.

Cabelenus truly didn’t understand.

"…I honestly don’t."

"You don’t understand?"

Her voice trembled.

From a purely rational perspective, he wasn’t wrong.

But this wasn’t a matter of logic or gain.

It was about their relationship.

At least, that was what it meant to Alicia.

"I know lying to you was wrong. But I don’t think I made a mistake. By pretending, I was able to protect you and gain what I wanted at the same time. That’s a win. It’s not a bad thing—it’s a good thing."

His words sent rage surging through her veins.

He was someone she knew better than anyone.

And yet, at this moment, he felt like a stranger.

"If all you care about is gains, you should never have chosen me in the first place. No—why not choose someone else even now?"

She hadn’t even finished speaking before he seized her shoulders.

His golden eyes blazed with fury.

The faint smile she had struggled to maintain crumbled under his scorching gaze.

"Don’t say another word."

His voice was a low growl.

His hands trembled with barely restrained anger.

It took more effort to hold himself back than it would have to crush the fragile body beneath his grip.

But no matter how furious he was, he didn’t want to hurt her.

Even in the midst of his rage, he clenched his teeth, forcing himself to stay in control.

Because Alicia was right in front of him.

His eyes darkened.

"Are you afraid of losing me, Your Highness?"

"Yes."

"Then why did you do it?"

Alicia pushed his hands away from her shoulders and looked up at him.

Her eyes were filled with unshed tears, yet there was no trace of hesitation in them.

"You told me once—you wanted me to be someone who could judge things for herself. But in the end, you never treated me that way."

"…"

"You gained what you wanted through an engagement. Under the guise of protecting me, you secured what was necessary for yourself. But do you realize something?"

I was never part of that decision.

Alicia smiled, but her lips trembled as if they could collapse at any moment.

"Did you even once consider how I would feel about this?"

"…"

"You were the one who always told me to be honest. Yet you secretly got engaged to another woman and lied to my face. Did you ever stop to think what it would be like to witness that?"

The more she spoke, the more her emotions became clear.

Alicia shut her eyes for a moment, trying to steady herself, before opening them again.

Her gray eyes, cold as sharpened steel, cut through him.

"If you had told me, even just once, it would have been different. Or at the very least, when I asked you, you shouldn’t have lied."

"It’s not that I didn’t consider you. My desire to protect you was real."

"If someone forces an unwanted gift into another person’s hands and calls it a present, does that make it a present? No. It’s not a gift—it’s coercion."

It was strange.

The more her heart ached, the clearer her mind became.

Alicia harshly wiped her eyes and lifted her head.

She had been blindly following one thing, molding herself to fit within it.

And because of that, it was so easy to crumble.

All it took was for that one thing to break, and everything else shattered along with it.

"I understand your reasoning in my head. But my heart won’t accept it. Because now, I’ve seen you as someone who can choose another woman when necessary and lie to me without hesitation. And those thoughts… they won’t go away."

"You don’t need to think that way. That will never happen."

"It’s pointless. I can’t believe you when the trust between us has already been broken."

Alicia pressed her fingers against her stinging eyes.

At this moment, more than anything, she refused to cry.

"Leave."

"It was unavoidable."

"I told you—I don’t want to talk right now. I need time to think."

Cabelenus took a step forward, but Alicia refused to look at him.

"The Christi Kingdom is wary. No matter how much effort we put in, we haven’t been able to get what we need. If I let this chance slip, I don’t know how long we would have to wait for another."

"…"

"And your position is still unstable. That’s why I thought the best way to protect you was to keep you hidden from those who would challenge your claim to be my duchess."

"…"

"That’s all it was. So…"

Cabelenus reached out for her again, but Alicia still did not look at him.

Her gaze was turned elsewhere, as if he were no longer worth seeing.

It drove him insane.

"We’ll talk later."

"No. We’ll talk now."

"If we talk now, I won’t have anything good to say."

"I don’t care. Say whatever you want. Hate me. Blame me. I’d rather have that."

"I already told you. I don’t want to talk to you right now."

Alicia coldly slapped his hand away.

Cabelenus clenched his jaw as he stared at her.

She had never rejected his touch before.

Whenever he reached for her, she would shyly lean into his hand.

For him, her refusal was something completely unfamiliar.

"Alicia."

"Once I have sorted out my thoughts, I will contact you. But for now, please leave."

"If I leave now, I don’t know when I’ll see you again."

"That’s good."

He had hoped for even the smallest hesitation.

But there was none.

Cabelenus swallowed the emotions rising in his throat and simply stared at the woman who had turned her back on him.

Alicia never looked at him again.

***

"Leave me alone."

"But it’s been days already. At this rate, you might truly collapse."

"I don’t care."

"My lady."

"I don’t want to talk anymore. Please, just leave."

With that final command, Lady Morco could say no more.

She left the room without another word.

Even after everyone was gone, Alicia remained in bed, wrapped in her blankets.

…It hurts.

She forced her eyes open but soon shut them again, her eyelids too heavy.

She wanted to regain her composure, but her body refused to cooperate.

Every breath she took came out hot and ragged.

She could barely move a finger.

But she didn’t want to ask for help.

Lady Morco had been part of Cabelenus’s deception as well.

And the moment she realized that, she no longer wanted to see anyone.

Alicia bit her lip to hold back a sob.

The pain blurred her mind, but that was preferable.

If she focused on the pain, she wouldn’t be able to tell if it was coming from her body or her heart.

This is pathetic.

She instinctively curled into herself—then hesitated.

She exhaled.

She had thought she had broken that habit.

Apparently not.

Alicia let out a quiet, bitter laugh and curled into a tighter ball.

It felt like she had been floating in the sky—

Only to plummet straight into the abyss.

Would things have been different if I had been a proper princess?

Her eyelashes quivered.

She knew it was pointless to blame herself.

But she couldn’t stop.

Because that was the only way she could keep herself from hating Cabelenus too much.

She clenched her eyes shut.

Even now, she still loved him.

And that made it all the more painful.