Eighteen’s Bed

I don’t really know how I came back. All I can remember is the part where the door opened and then closed. The car door opening, closing, the front gate of the house opening and closing, those moments keep repeating in my mind. Each time the scene breaks, all I hear are my heavy breaths forcing their way out of my mouth.

"Heh, heh..."

In the middle of winter, I hid in my room as if I were a pheasant trying to avoid a hunter. I buried my head in the empty refuge and felt relieved. The only difference between me and the pheasant is that I know this refuge will soon melt away.

"Of course, of course, I can't do it. No. I can’t."

I desperately searched for flight tickets, lying flat on the floor. My eyes were nearly in tears. I kept rubbing my lips with the back of my hand, like I was trying to destroy them.

"I was the crazy bastard. I was the real crazy one..."

Cursing at myself under my breath, I quickly scanned through the earliest flight schedules. My hands kept slipping and I kept pressing the wrong screens. I wasn’t in my right mind anymore.

Go Yohan is, after all, the chaos in my life. Go Yohan always takes away my control.

"Damn..."

As soon as the payment window popped up, I called my parents without checking the time. My palms, soaked with sweat, gripped the carpet.

"Please, please pick up..."

After a long, long ringing tone, the call switched to an automated message. They didn’t answer.

"Damn!"

But it didn’t matter. I had to go. I grabbed any travel bag I could see and stuffed everything I could into it. Anything that looked necessary, I threw it in. The housekeeper, who witnessed my frenzy, tried to stop me, startled.

"Student!"

"...!"

"What are you doing? Where are you going?"

Unfortunately, I wasn’t in a condition to give any detailed explanations. Like throwing a dart at a spinning dartboard with a dizzying mind, I responded urgently and directly.

"I’m going to where my parents are."

"Did you prepare this already? The luggage..."

"No, I’m going now, right now."

"Did you contact your parents?"

"No."

I stuffed things into the bag by throwing them in with my hands, pushing items off the table with my arms. I heard things breaking as they fell. My mind was in a frenzy. Avoiding the now-wet floor, I closed the packed bag. After several failed attempts, I pulled out the handle and quickly stood up. At the same time, I met a worried gaze.

The housekeeper stopped me as I was about to leave the room. Her grip on my arm froze my body in place, but my frantic judgment had already collapsed.

"I’m sorry."

I didn’t have the time or the energy to reassure or comfort anyone. Hundreds of footsteps were chasing me. The darkness of night, the despair of a fugitive running with a lantern, tightened around me. Even the breath that had been forcing its way out of my mouth stopped.

"Could you, please, call my parents for me?"

"...Me?"

"I’m... going to catch a flight."

"A flight, right now?"

"Yes, yes."

"Is something wrong?"

What could possibly be wrong? Nothing. Or, there shouldn’t be. I shook my head, denying everything that had happened to me. I was desperate.

"There’s nothing. There wasn’t."

"...I’ll call them."

The housekeeper didn’t ask any more questions and released her grip on my arm. Her attitude was neat. I felt the strength leave my body as I moved my legs. I turned around briefly and saw the housekeeper standing still with a slightly stiff expression. Our eyes met for a moment, but she quickly averted her gaze and turned to walk away.

Time was critical. The hands on the clock were chasing me.

"The toiletries can be bought there... I’ll just buy everything there..."

In a hurry, I called a taxi. As I was going down the stairs, the travel bag I was dragging banged loudly against them, but I didn’t care. The taxi, which was said to be passing nearby, was quickly connected, and as soon as I confirmed, I rushed out of the hallway. I didn’t even finish putting on my shoes, shoving them roughly on my feet. When I opened the door, my reflection in the large mirror met my eyes.

"Uh..."

When was the last time I saw this face?

The memory goes back to when I was eighteen. That miserable age had weighed my feet down with a heavy anchor as I tried to grow. That wretched night I didn’t even want to remember, that poor face that crawled back into my house, was strangely reflected in the mirror.

Why are you here?

If you were going to give me a bouquet, you should have just left in glory. Why do you keep holding on to me?

The idiot who hasn’t grown and doesn’t even know how to learn, is looking at me. The pure gaze in the mirror pulled out its hand and reached toward me.

"No..."

My desperate struggle caused me to throw the object I was holding into a frenzy. My mind didn’t even register what I did. When the heavy sensation left my hand, I realized what I had thrown. The loud crash and the sound of the mirror shattering followed.

Sharp shards grazed my feet.

Luckily, the bigger pieces fell into my shoes, but the smaller shards grazed my ankle. A bright red line was drawn sharply across my pale skin. The dizzying pain shackled my ankle. My stiff body stayed frozen as I silently watched the blood seep in. It felt as though something was pulling me down to the floor, but then it happened.

Bang!

"...!"

My mind snapped back into focus. The sound came from outside. The taxi that had been nearby grabbed the hair of the drowning person and yanked them up. Crazy, idiot. I quickly stepped on the broken mirror shards and ran outside.

"Why won’t it open!"

Kang Jun, who had always cared about what others thought, now didn’t care who was angry in front of him. He dragged the bag that wouldn’t budge, slamming it forcefully into the trunk. When the trunk finally opened with a clunk, I threw the bag inside and, without saying another word, jumped into the back seat and slammed the door shut.

"Driver, hurry, hurry!"

"What’s the rush?"

"Hurry!"

The driver looked at me strangely but shifted gears.

Then I saw it. Then I saw it. A moment passed, but it felt like eternity.

A taxi passing by us was black. A strange unease tightened around my neck. I felt as if all the blood in my body had drained away. I instinctively lowered my body. But my gaze was fixed on the taxi that was moving away. The black taxi stopped exactly where I had just gotten into the car, and the person getting out of it gradually became clearer in my line of sight.

Tall, light eyes, gloomy...

When the wet hand gripped the fake leather seat, the person in the black taxi suddenly turned their head.

"...!"

I inhaled sharply. I quickly hid my face under the seat. My heart felt like it was stopping.

"No, no..."

The shard that had scratched my ankle still stung. The blood was still flowing, unstoppable.

****

After a flight that lasted more than 10 hours, my parents scolded me as soon as they saw me. I had left my phone behind, so I lost all contact, and I was still wearing my school uniform.

"What if this was in America? Jun, you’d be kicked out if you did something like that."

I must have heard this phrase hundreds of times. Sitting in the car with my parents, heading to their house, I just stared at the ceiling of the car. The scolding continued, but all their words scattered into the air. I ended up spending almost a week just sleeping. I used jet lag as an excuse.

Everything was calm. I couldn't hear the sound of footsteps chasing after me. The sense of relief from being at the ends of continents made me feel heavy. It was definitely like that.

But as the serene pink sunset wrapped around me, I would often lie in bed, pressing my finger to my lips when the time came—when I couldn’t distinguish whether the figure in the distance was a wolf or a person.

That act was so secretive and quiet that the mistake happened without me even realizing it.

"Ha..."

My desires sometimes moved ahead of me while I was asleep.

In the early morning, when my body, unable to fight the time difference, was sucked into the bed and struggling in the deep pit I had fallen into, the most primal desire appeared, naked. He bit the thickest part of my finger horizontally and closed his eyes. This was definitely not the act I had intended. The trembling lips and the mild fever tickling my lower abdomen were not things I had done.

"...!"

Then, when I suddenly woke up, I quickly bit down on my finger, as if to crush it, to kill it. When the wound became jagged, only then did the shame of the pain flee far away.

He and I played a game of territorial dominance, unbidden and relentless.

"Right, the dormitory."

As I fumbled for the first lecture date approaching, it suddenly came to me. I hadn’t received any messages because I’d left my phone behind, so the days had passed by like I was an idiot. I hurriedly got up and went to find my parents.

"Excuse me, may I check the internet for a moment?"

"Huh? Why?"

"I need to check the dormitory..."

"Oh, that? Use the one on the desk in the study."

"Okay, thank you."

After nodding, I tried to recall the unfamiliar layout of the villa.

"By the way, aren’t you going to buy a phone?"

I don’t know why that question pricked my conscience. The uneasy peace I was enjoying had only happened because I had severed all means of being found, but I couldn’t bring myself to say that, so I just awkwardly smiled. I thought of my phone, lying in tatters on the floor by the entrance.

"I’ll buy one when I go back to Korea."

"...Aren’t you going to contact your friends?"

"Just..."

My hesitating lips finally gave a late explanation.

"They're just friends I don’t want to contact."

"...Well, if that's the case, I suppose that’s how it is."

That answer was somewhat uncomfortable. It felt like the tone of someone pitying a son who had been ostracized at school. Well, it wasn’t exactly wrong.

"You can make friends when you go to college."

"Yes... that’s right."

I quickly moved away from the awkward atmosphere. Then, in the unfamiliar study, I belatedly checked my dormitory application results. Of course, I had passed.

It wasn’t surprising since my parents had said they’d take care of it. The only thing that felt awkward was that my address was listed as being in Busan. Why Busan? While I was bewildered, I recalled the apartment I had in my name in Haeundae.

"Ah, that."

I quickly hit the close button, trying to cover up my embarrassment. Then I checked the move-in dates.

The strange thing was that while there was definitely a registration period, there wasn’t a set move-in period. It was just weekdays. That was it. I could probably move in before my first class.

After a quick calculation, I booked a flight to Korea. I then told my parents about my dormitory acceptance. Although my parents weren’t thrilled about the dorm, they weren’t upset. They just called home to ask the housekeeper to handle my luggage.

At that moment, I stomped on the seed of anxiety and began nurturing the seed of confidence. I could fend off anyone, even those who woke up late at night or in the early morning, with nothing more than crushing my fingers. And when I thought of the university that had been a burden for the last 19 years, I felt like I could do anything.

"Ah, this is really awkward."

I especially felt awkward in the mobile store.

It felt strange signing the contract alone. The adult world had found my name. I bought a new phone and changed my number. Soon, the evidence of adulthood carved into me gave me strength. Something I had waited my whole life for was unfolding. Based on my rightful efforts. The mere ‘acceptance’ certificate had become my nameplate. And so, my pride remained unbroken.

I thought it wouldn’t break.

But as soon as I entered the neighborhood, the arrogant man turned into a small rat. A rat scurrying between holes. Sneaking through familiar streets felt pitiful. My eyes kept darting toward the gate of the Go family house.

It wouldn’t open...

I wouldn’t meet them...

I lowered my body, trying to muffle my footsteps. I acted like a thief who had sneaked into the neighborhood. Moving with fearful steps, I entered through the gate. The proud Kang Jun had died that way.

When I returned home, I was greeted by the neatly organized entrance and the housekeeper who had likely lived there like the owner of the mansion while no one was around. Then, suddenly, our eyes met, and her expression was strange. I wondered why, but then I remembered what my parents had said at the airport.

"Now, it looks like Aunt Jeong will be the only one at our house."

"What should we do? Should we fire her?"

"Then who’s going to manage the house?"

My parents, with their arms crossed, pondered for a moment, and the conclusion was that they wouldn’t fire her. They wanted to come home to a neat house without any work to do. They also added this:

"Then the house will belong to that lady. How lucky for her. If she acts like the owner, no one would know any better."

"Jun, you need to go home every weekend and keep an eye on things. Make sure she’s not letting any strange people in."

It was probably a joke, but it didn’t matter. We could check with the CCTV anyway.

In any case, after seeing their worried faces, I couldn’t just leave it be, so I repeated what they had said.

"They said they’re not firing her."

"Ah, okay..."

"...I’ll come over sometimes to have a meal."

"Yes."

"Please take good care of the house."

"Yes."

The conversation was short, but I felt a chill as I spoke to an adult like that. It felt so awkward. I was so uncomfortable that I almost felt like I was going to die from it. I coughed unnecessarily and tried to act busy. Just then, the housekeeper, who had been talking a little more, suddenly spoke.

"I, I left it on the desk."

"Sorry? What did you leave?"

"What you left behind. Just in case, I packed it."

"Ah, yes. Thank you."

I didn’t know what I had left behind, but I didn’t want to feel any more awkward, so I deliberately didn’t ask and went up the stairs. What I saw there was truly the worst. In the room I arrived at, there was something dreadful.

"Damn..."

My phone, with its screen shattered. I buried my face in both of my palms.

And then, the dormitory I arrived at was almost like a haunted house. At least by my standards.

****

"……Is that a rat?"

I definitely saw something moving in the nearby bushes. It was bigger than a fist. When I mentally pictured its shape again, I almost felt like throwing up, so I stopped. Maybe I should have gotten a place of my own. As I struggled to suppress the disgust from the scene outside the window, the employee who saw my expression smiled and said,

"Not the best facilities, huh?"

"Huh? No..."

Not knowing how to react, I flinched. Young women are a bit tricky.

Maybe it’s because I haven’t had much interaction with them. The only young woman I’ve had a lot of conversations with was my homeroom teacher, but isn't it a bit awkward to treat her like one? She seems younger than my teacher.

I turned my brain over and awkwardly avoided the conversation while I filled out the paperwork.

"Well, it's not that bad."

"......"

At this point, most people would have sensed the discomfort and kept quiet, but this one kept talking strangely.

"Still, you'll probably appreciate it soon. It's a two-person building, so at first, everyone finds it uncomfortable, but later, everyone wants to come here. Honestly, this dorm has the best facilities. The rooms are the biggest, the bathroom and shower are inside, and the graduate school cafeteria is nearby."

"Why the graduate school cafeteria?"

I just asked out of curiosity, but the employee’s face brightened suddenly, and she came closer. I took a small step back in surprise.

"Ah, well..."

"The graduate cafeteria is the best at our school. It’s the most crowded, so if you go right when lunch starts, it’s super busy. It's fine for the education department, but oh, don’t go to the arts department cafeteria."

"...Okay."

"Lastly, take this. See the signature line at the end? Just sign there, and you can take your stuff that you left behind."

"Thank you."

"Can I help you with anything else? Is there anything else you need?"

"No, it's fine."

She was excessively kind, to the point where it felt a bit much. When I went to the warehouse to grab the luggage that had already arrived, that same employee was waiting at the entrance, pulling the cart. Are all the employees here this friendly? I scratched my head awkwardly and placed my luggage onto the cart.

Then, when I saw the number on the room I had been assigned, I furrowed my brow.

"Why the hell is it Room 414..."

Looking at the ominous number "414" written on the door, I thought about what my school life would be like going forward. When I arrived at the room, I was still alone.

The space where you put the nameplate showed that my roommate hadn’t arrived yet. I unpacked and relaxed a little, but still, there was no sign of my roommate.

"I actually hope no one shows up."

It was a small wish. Living with someone was uncomfortable. Maybe it was because I had lived alone my entire life.

After finishing all the unpacking, it was almost time for dinner. But I wasn’t hungry. I’d heard that the dining hall would be crowded during mealtime, so I wasn’t really interested in going.

So, I sat down in the chair, looked at my phone, and made up my mind.

I found my homeroom teacher's number on the old, cracked phone, and transferred it to the new phone I had bought a few days ago. After a short ringing tone, I heard the familiar voice.

"Hello?"

"Teacher?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Teacher, it's me, Jun."

"Oh my."

Then, I heard something large drop in the background. I quickly took my ear off the speaker and waited, then put the phone back to my ear.

"……Hello?"

"Oh my! Jun!"

"I'm sorry, I must have startled you by calling out of the blue."

"No, what happened? Why haven’t you contacted me? What happened to you?"

"I'm sorry, I've been out of it lately... But I thought I should call you."

"Of course, you should! I was really worried about you, you know. What are you doing now? Have you done the university entrance exam yet?"

"Well, teacher. Actually... I got in."

"Huh? Wait, Jun. What?"

"I... I got into Korea University."

"...!"

This time, I heard a scream that sounded like metal scraping. Fortunately, it wasn’t loud enough to hurt my ears.

"What major? Where?"

"Political Science and Diplomacy."

"Oh my... My goodness, Jun!"

"Yes?"

"Well done! Ah, ah! Really. Oh! I was so worried about you...!"

"Sorry... Did you get in trouble with the vice-principal?"

"Is that what you’re worried about now? When are you coming back to school?"

Why would I need to go back to school? I scratched the back of my neck and asked,

"School?"

"Your exam results! You need to pick up your score report!"

Ah. Only then did I realize I had left it at school. That was what this was about.

"Ah! Well, I’m busy at first, so I don’t think I can go, but I’ll contact you when I have time."

"You have to go. Seriously, I’m so relieved. I knew you’d make it. Didn’t I tell you? I was right, right?"

"Yeah, I think it’s thanks to you. I’m really grateful."

"You, you know how anxious I was. Do you know how many times I tried calling you? I kept hearing that your phone was off, really..."

"…What happened? Was there something wrong?"

The homeroom teacher, who had been speaking rapidly, suddenly stopped. There was definitely something in that silence.

"No, it’s nothing. By the way, Jun, did you move?"

"Huh? No?"

"That... You don’t know your exam score, do you?"

Was it because of my exam score? The teacher’s words started to sound a little uncomfortable.

"...No."

"Of course, that’s why you’re so calm about it. Jun, you got a perfect score."