The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

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〈 Chapter 19 〉 Chapter 19. Regret.

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Did you know that the human body can distinguish between pain inflicted to harm or attack the body and pain that doesn't significantly affect physical health?

There's a saying, "What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."

Ah, of course, the meaning of that saying is completely unrelated to the current context.

That quote isn't an analogy for this vulgar topic, but contains a philosophical meaning that only philosophy graduate students who need to find jobs in Ancient Greece would understand.

I just used it because it was a perfect metaphor for the current situation.

Haven't you experienced it before?

Like when you get a strong massage on a muscle with a knot or soreness.

Or when you pick off a scab from a long, healed wound with your fingernail.

Or when you cauterize a mouth sore with medication.

Or when you squeeze and drain an abscess, releasing pus.

The feeling of applying alcohol to a small cut from a sharp object.

Acts that are so painful and agonizing that you want to stop immediately, yet strangely addictive, making you want them to continue.

A strange catharsis, a feeling that arises from deep within your chest.

Yes.

I'm feeling it right now.

"Hooah, ah, aah—ah!?"

"........"

Something slimy slid over my exposed eyes after the bandages were removed.

A human tongue.

Every time Elli's tongue passed over my wounds, my tightly closed lips would part slightly, releasing a soft moan.

My body twitched involuntarily as if an electric current was running through it. But her legs, her hands, her soft body, coiled around me, refusing to let go.

I had no choice but to continue my futile struggles, writhing helplessly.

It's like a snake constricting its prey.

Squeeze, squeeze, like that.

In the end, the snake opens its mouth wide and swallows its prey whole.

In one bite.

Everything.

Gulp, with a sound like that.

"Mmf... Haa... Haaa... B-Big sis... St-Stop…!!"

".....ㅡ"

Wah, I'm baby Aris…!

Perhaps because I had kept my eyes closed ever since I came to this house, my other senses had become more sensitive now that I was deprived of my sight.

To think it would backfire like this...

Unnecessary information flooded my mind: the direction of her tongue's movement, the places where her breath touched, the strength of her grip on my hand, details I wouldn't have been aware of before.

Elli clasped my left hand, pierced by the arrow, in both of hers and kissed it. I felt her tongue entering the small, coin-sized hole.

Lick, lick.

An electric current ran through my body. I wanted to break free.

I pulled my left hand away, enduring the pain.

Whether she was aware of my state or not, Elli only tightened her grip to keep me from escaping.

—Squeeze!

"...Ah, it hurts! Ah, ah... Elli, Big Sis Elli—!!"

"......."

As a last resort, I cried out in pain.

It wasn't excruciating pain. But only I could endure it this well. If it were an ordinary girl, she would be crying and screaming by now.

I hoped that Elli would come to her senses and be more gentle.

Well, there was also a bit of hope mixed in that she would feel remorse and guilt after coming to her senses.

This humiliation... I'll pay you back someday.

Despite my pleas, she remained silent, as if possessed, and showed no signs of softening her actions.

If anything, It even felt a bit stronger.

"...—Aaaaaah!!!"

"......"

The kind Big Sis Elli who would rush to my side and worry about me whenever I said I was hurt was gone.

Although my right hand became free as she grabbed my left arm with both hands, that was all.

I was still helpless, leaning against Elli's body, only able to gasp for breath.

Squeeze, I could only clutch her sleeve and try to suppress my moans.

To think that my body, which was less sensitive to pain, would worsen the situation.

Would it have been different if I felt the pain? When she licked my wounds and sucked the unknown liquid that pooled there, it felt more cool and ticklish than painful.

I was used to pain, but I couldn't get used to this strange sensation no matter what.

Why are you drinking it so greedily…!!

"B-Be more gentle—!!"

"......"

It made me wish I had lost my sense of touch instead of smell and taste.

The continuous stimulation overwhelmed my ability to think rationally. My mind was clouded, like a thick fog, unable to form a single coherent thought.

Coolness and warmth.

Pain and affection.

Contradictory emotions, impossible to coexist, swirled within me.

Squeeze. I could only close my eyes tightly and hope that she would come to her senses, or that this moment would pass.

"B-Big sis, snap out of it, snap out of iiiiit—!!!"

"....Haa."

My body seemed to have become a part of hers, trembling slightly in sync with her movements. Every time she moved, I could feel the curves of her body pressed against mine.

My right hand pushed against Elli's face, but it didn't budge.

I'm embarrassed. It’s strange.

I want to run away and hide under the covers. I want to fall asleep and forget everything.

"—Hooah!? Uh, th-th-that, Mmf!"

"......."

Her tongue finally left my hand. Relieved by the receding wave of sensation, I let out a sigh.

This is, tough.

"....Huh...?"

"....Haa, haa."

But my face turned pale as I realized Elli's head was moving lower, judging by her breathing against my skin.

From my left arm to my shoulder... from my shoulder to my collarbone... past my chest, slowly, slowly, inching down.

Like a snake slithering.

Slowly but surely.

My screams grew louder in response.

Stop...!! Really, stop!!

That's where my biggest wound was, where I had been stabbed multiple times.

"..Ah, aaaaah....!"

"........"

My stomach felt like it was on fire.

Disinfection was just the beginning.

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**

Her lips were tightly closed, but soft moans escaped through the gaps.

Screams of agony, pleading for the pain to stop.

Begging for it to end, in a miserable voice.

A storm had just passed through the room.

When I came to my senses, I was gasping for breath, standing in front of the child who was curled up on the bed, seemingly unconscious.

What have I done?

The child was still trembling, as if unable to escape the agonizing pain.

Tears that hadn't dried yet still lingered on her eyelids.

“I lost control...!!”

I couldn’t control myself. Today must have been an incredibly painful day for the child.

“Ah… I…!!”

“… Big…sis…”

Even though it was only a little, I could see the child’s wounds healing, new flesh slowly growing.

A daily ritual of torture disguised as treatment, carried out under the pretense of healing.

Treatment.

“Treatment, yes, this is treatment. That’s right…”

Yes, this was for the child's speedy recovery.

So—

“This is…all for this child—”

“—I…don’t…like…this…”

“Ah…ah…it…hurts…”

“Big sis…Elli…”

—Thud.

“......!!”

The child disappeared from my sight.

I felt the hard texture of the wall behind me.

The impact against my back made me realize that it wasn’t the child who had moved, but I who had been backing away from her.

Even now, I could still taste the metallic tang of blood lingering in my mouth.

And I, my mouth, was savoring it as if it were the most delicious food.

The realization that I had been deceiving the child, using her, treating her like food for my own well-being, made me gag.

But my body didn’t reject the human blood, a taste I hadn’t experienced in a long time.

Rather, it craved more.

‘—Endure. Endure it.’

Using, deceiving, betraying.

It felt like I was gradually becoming the very people I had loathed.

The child's eyes, squeezed shut with all her might, trusting my words wholeheartedly, trying desperately to hold back from opening.

I hurriedly took out a new bandage and covered the child's eyes, afraid that those eyes, now closed as she lay unconscious, would open and look at me with resentment and accusation.

I’m sorry…

I’m so, so sorry…

“Haa…haa…”

My hands moved quickly, wrapping the bandage around the child’s eyes.

This could hardly be called atonement, but I quickly bandaged the rest of her wounds and changed the sheets and blankets that were soaked with sweat and the child’s saliva.

Yes, at first, it was just a whim.

A fragile child who should have died alone on the cold riverbank, a child I should have killed with my own hands if she had been lucky enough to survive.

But upon hearing the child's mumbling, I found myself bringing her home and treating her.

Affection.

Yes, I suppose that's what had accumulated.

The child's pure affection, given to someone like me.

Touched by that feeling, a feeling I hadn't experienced in so long, I didn't want to let her go.

Even so, I should have returned the child to her family once she recovered to a certain extent.

When I could still bear the pain of separation.

But I couldn't.

“I know… I know too…!”

I carefully closed the door to the child’s room, hoping that she would find some peace, and headed towards the kitchen.

How hypocritical of me.

When I, the monster who had ravaged the child, was standing here.

I have to let her go.

But those adorable lips calling me "Elli" were so lovely—

The moment she walked towards me, struggling to support herself with her cane, and threw herself into my arms, trusting me completely, was so delightful—

I gave in to my greed.

Just a little longer.

After all her wounds are healed.

Then, I’ll return her to her family.

But I was now agonizing over this decision.

Should I keep the child, or return her?

Should I betray her, or tell her the truth?

“........”

As I entered the kitchen, I noticed the mirror placed on the table.

As if devoid of any emotions, the one who had just created that tragic scene stared blankly at the mirror, her expression unchanged, as if nothing had happened.

Black hair, like a collection of filth, repulsive to even touch, making anyone who saw it feel uncomfortable.

Blood-red eyes, vertically slit like those of a beast, one part of my body that could never change, no matter how I tried to mimic a human form.

A hardened face, unable to convey emotions, only coldness.

'You're… a monster...!!'

'… Why are you running away from me, Alice?'

In the distant past, someone had called me a monster.

Yes, a monster.

I am an inevitable monster.

What would the child think if she knew that the woman she trusted and followed so devotedly was a man-eating monster?

If I told her that I already knew the past she so desperately wanted to retrieve, that I was hiding it from her only to keep her from leaving, would she resent me?

Treatment, it's called treatment.

Days of deceiving the child with sweet words, sucking her blood and treating her wounds while inflicting pain. The child who was now no longer at death’s doorstep and in need of only recovery.

Wasn't the truth that I had taken in a helpless child, carefully leashing her, making her dependent on me alone so she couldn’t escape?

And I was busy satisfying my own greedy desires, relishing the child's screams.

Yes.

This is just like—

—Isn't it like I've captured this child, imprisoned her, and I am raising her like livestock?

"....This is the worst. The absolute worst."

Bang, I slammed my head against the table.

It wasn't until much later that I began preparing lunch.

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(TL Afterword: This is the author's note… I think…)

Ero(Medical)

The Raccoon Man paid a visit in between.

It’s medical treatment. What were you imagining?

No updates tomorrow.

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