The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

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〈 Chapter 35 〉 Chapter 35. Lashing Out.

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The moment I first saw her sitting across from me, I knew instinctively.

Black hair.

Black eyes.

Brown skin.

—Everything about her appearance was out of place in this world.

And even more captivating than her appearance was a sense of detachment, as if she had no lingering attachments to this world.

A pitiful sight, as if she couldn't find any meaning in her own life.

I thought.

Ah, this person is just like me.

"...Heehee."

I wonder which number this older sister is?

This is going to be, so much fun.

Whoosh, a cool breeze, with a hint of chill, blew past,

A time when squirrels gather nuts, preparing for the end of the year,

It’s autumn, a time when new relationships blossom.

I met someone of my kind??

**

Oh my, oh my, to think someone would crawl on all fours in front of a child who's several years younger than them.

Several years, no, wasn't she well over thirty years old?

No way. There's no way someone like that would prostrate themselves and get their head patted by a girl twenty years younger than them!

Hahaha! You're right! There's no way that happened!

Hohoho! That's right.

…

Ah, really.

"Huh? Sis? What's wrong?"

".....It's nothing. I just, want to die."

"Eeeeh!?"

I just wanted to bury my head in a mouse hole and die.

I didn't know if the small hole in front of me was a mouse hole or not, but I buried my head deep inside it anyway.

Squish.

The soft, black soil was colder than I expected.

They say that even a mouse hole gets its share of sunshine, but at this moment, I wished the sun, the wind, everything would just disappear.

I was sprawled there pathetically, my face buried in a mound of dirt, right in front of the child, hoping my memory would vanish.

Disappear…

Disappear…

But closing my eyes only made it worse.

In the darkness of my closed eyes, the previous memory is brought back even more vividly, and I kicked at the fallen leaves with my legs, struggling.

Aaaaaaaaaaghh!!!!

—Poke, poke.

"Little bunny~ Little bunny~ Are you alive or dead?"

"The bunny is dead… so please leave me alone…"

"It's alive!"

This is a suicidal bunny.

Please don't give me any unnecessary attention.

But despite my silent plea for no one to bother me, the child continued to poke me playfully, giggling beside me.

Poke, poke.

Her childlike innocence made me chuckle, but the horrifying scene from moments ago flashed before my eyes, and I couldn't help but feel depressed again.

I want to die…

Ten painless ways to end my life, perfect for a suicidal person, popped into my head. (TL Note: I’m guessing this references to a book or something but couldn’t find it.)

But this problem wouldn’t be solved by keeping my head buried in the dirt forever.

I had no choice but to lift my head, feeling the dirt scratching my eyeballs.

Plop plop, clumps of dirt that had stuck to my greasy hair fell off.

Ah, it got in my mouth too.

"—Ptooey… Ugh, so bitter…"

"Wow! Sis, you're awake?"

I shook my head back and forth, like a dog shaking off water after getting caught in the rain, trying to get rid of the remaining dirt.

The child dodged the shower of dirt I was sending her way, and even that seemed to amuse her, as she let out little squeals.

A brief moment of playfulness.

It definitely helped clear my head.

Thanks to that, I could see clearly again, and my eyes fully took in the child standing before me, beaming a bright smile.

"Heeheehee!"

"........"

A face I had never seen before in this area.

If a child with a face like this existed, wouldn't her beauty be known throughout the kingdom, not just the village?

That's how striking she was to make me think that way.

Where had she come from, was she traveling?

She was wearing an oversized white dress, as if she had borrowed an adult's clothes.

The sleeves were so long that they covered her hands completely and trailed down, swaying in the wind.

Frankly, it was an outfit that didn't suit her age.

But her hand, clutching a single flower, peeking out from the flowing fabric, somehow made the outfit look adorable, as if it were intentional.

Yes.

Truly, everything about this was so beautiful, like a dream.

A child with such an appearance, twirling in front of me, her arms spread wide.

And the fact that she wasn't showing any disgust or fear towards me, playing with me, her eyes shining as she looked at me, all of it—

"......"

It felt, unreal.

Generally, most people in this world hated me.

It was because of my unusual hair color, the ominous shade of my skin, the prejudice of the people in this world.

It's only natural. This was a world where people worshipped ordinary natural phenomena as gods and believed in the existence of monsters that should only appear in children's fairy tales.

It's human nature to reject what's different, what they don't understand.

What would happen if a child was born with dark, gloomy hair and eyes, a color that didn't come from either parent or any ancestors?

—I was abandoned on the roadside as soon as I was old enough to barely walk.

Perhaps because I was separated from my parents at such a young age, or because I had no memories of affection, I lived each day, enduring, having forgotten the faces of the parents who gave birth to me.

If I had been an ordinary child, I would have been crushed by that situation.

No, maybe that's what they had hoped for from the beginning.

For me to lose all hope in life, to wander off alone and be eaten by wild animals, perhaps that's what they wished for?

It didn't go as they exactly as they hoped, but their actions definitely had a great impact on me.

Because every day, I wanted to die.

But fortunately, or unfortunately, I already had the self-awareness of an ordinary high school student.

Whether it was out of pity, or simply because they didn't want to create a wandering corpse, or perhaps because they didn't want to be responsible for directly killing a person.

I didn't know their true intentions, but I was able to survive, barely scraping by, living off the scraps of food they threw at me in exchange for my labor.

But even so.

The disgusted looks they gave me.

The heartlessness of the villagers, who wouldn't even engage in casual conversation with me.

My own weakness, my unwillingness to burden the few people who did talk to me.

They were all pushing me, bit by bit.

"—You, don't hate me."

"...Huh?"

A small statement, one I had no intention of uttering.

Perhaps it was inevitable that it came out.

The child, dumbfounded by my sudden words. But my mouth, once opened, couldn't close.

The pent-up frustration, the resentment, the injustice that had been piling up all this time came flooding out like a bursting dam.

The daggers made of words that had been piercing me, were now flying out of my own mouth.

"Everyone, hates me. They say I'm filthy, disgusting, strange."

"...Ueh?"

"A monster, don't you think so too?"

To be frank, these weren't words I should be saying to a child.

Just a simple outburst of anger, directed at an innocent child who knew nothing, who was actually being kind to me.

Nothing more, nothing less, the pathetic struggle of a wretched adult.

But seeing the child before me, smiling brightly every day, as if she was truly happy, made me feel a surge of anger, an anger that was out of place, out of proportion.

No, maybe it was jealousy.

I didn't choose to be reborn.

I didn't choose to be born with this color.

They're the ones who are wrong, for not seeing that color is just color.

Having been given a second chance at life, a gift I didn't deserve.

Because of that, I didn't even expect a happy life.

But, at least— I wanted to live like a human being.

"—Child whose name I don't even know. You, hate me too, right?"

I didn't expect an answer.

I didn't expect anything.

Having been betrayed by everything except for that brief moment when I was reborn into this world, I had never dared to hope.

Because if that hope were to be betrayed, I wouldn't have the strength to endure it anymore.

"........"

"........"

The child, of course, didn't answer.

She just stared at me with a blank expression.

That sight filled me with an unbearable sense of self-loathing.

Really, what am I doing to a random child?

I'm truly a piece of garbage.

When I return to the village, I should probably try to get some sleep and clear my head.

"Sorry, I think I was a little too stressed."

"...."

"So... really, I'm sorry… I'm sorry…"

I bowed my head.

A small apology.

With those words, I slowly turned away.

I didn't do anything that would leave any lingering attachment, like asking for her name.

We'll probably never meet again.

Even if we did, seeing how I was treated in the village, the child would have no choice but to distance herself from me.

Even the people I considered close, even Rumi, just remained silent when we were in public.

So, this is just how it is.

It can't be helped.

—That's what I thought, so I couldn't accept the fact that the child was holding onto me.

"......!!"

Grip, My clothes grasped by a small hand.

The grip was weak, but strangely, I couldn't bring myself to shake it off.

"........"

"Why...?"

Was it to escape from the child's touch, or to ask for a reason?

I stopped biting my lip, something I had been doing unconsciously, and asked the child in a trembling voice.

Even though I had pushed you away so coldly, why.

Why are you holding onto me.

That's what I wanted to ask.

But the words that came out were so pathetic, so short, that I had to close my mouth again.

Instead, it was the child who spoke.

"—You must have, been through a lot."

".....!!"

"You're hurt… and… um, you've had such a hard time."

Whoosh, I turned around with a gasp, my hair whipping around me.

Seeing the child standing there, her head down, holding a flower in her hand, I realized that her small hand had long since let go of my clothes.

But my feet, wouldn't budge.

I just stared at the child, dumbfounded, unable to process her words.

Like, a complete reversal of our roles from just moments ago.

Her pink lips curved into a gentle smile.

"I'll always be here, Sis."

"......!!"

"So, if you're ever having a hard time, come here."

I'll be here for you.

With those words, the child vanished into the depths of the forest, where darkness had fallen.

In the spot where the child had been standing, a single, white, unidentified flower bloomed.

As if to prove that this wasn't a dream.

It stood out, demanding my attention.

"....What, is this."

I held the flower in my hand, standing there blankly.

For a long time, until the sun set.

Just like that.

**

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