The Girl Wants to Be Murdered

TL/Editor: Butter Cat

Status: 4/week mon-thurs

Illustrations: none

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〈 Chapter 36 〉 Chapter 36. Boundary Line.

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**

There are too many of me inside myself.

**

She was like a lost child, abandoned in the middle of a cold city, lost in confusion, having lost her parents.

Just a moment ago,

Just a while ago,

Just before I started living like this,

I had a happy life with my loving parents, my kind older sister, and my friends from school.

We laughed together over the smallest things, sharing precious moments, as if there was nothing more important.

We laughed, we talked, we played pranks.

We enjoyed the little things that were deeply embedded in our everyday lives.

—But, what about now?

"........"

They had all abandoned me, blending into the crowd, leaving me behind.

Or, on the contrary, was it I who had been swept away by the crowd?

Mom, where are you?

Dad, where did you go?

Unnie, I'm alone.

Everyone, I'm so scared.

I screamed frantically, calling out their names with all my might, but the only answer I received was the echo reverberating off the buildings.

The passersby looked down at me, a child making unpleasant noises, their eyes cold and indifferent.

Yes.

I was cast adrift, alone in this unfamiliar world.

Abandoned by everyone, even by the parents who gave birth to me in this world, I had lived my life on the streets.

They cursed me, ridiculed me, mocked me, and abused me.

I was surrounded by enemies, by people I couldn't trust.

It hurts, a lot.

I'm struggling, so much.

Don't ignore me. Show me some kindness. But I don't need your cheap pity. No, I do. Please don't abandon me.

I couldn't even trust those who did offer me a little kindness or compassion, my heart too worn down by the life I had lived now.

They were just there, and yet, I trusted them, I was betrayed by them, I deceived myself over and over again.

My anxieties fed on each other, growing larger and larger, consuming me.

I trusted people, and yet, I doubted them at the same time.

It was so, so ugly.

"Han! There's still a stain left here!!"

"Haha... Mrs. Pierre, I'll wash it again."

"Tsk, honestly. Get your act together, alright!?"

"Yes, ma'am~!"

But all I could do was hide my sadness, mask my struggles,

And suppress my pain.

My daily life revolved around wearing a comical mask, acting like a clown, overreacting, laughing excessively, pretending to be harmless.

Ha.

Haha.

....

Haha. I should have known.

If I knew living like this would be so painful.

I didn't need a second chance.

Maybe I, my very existence, was a mistake from the start.

That's what I thought.

"—Sis, long time no see!!"

".....!!"

My closed eyes slowly opened.

Late autumn.

My wandering feet, with no destination in mind, had arrived at a familiar place.

As usual, I had fallen asleep, hoping to wash away the painful memories, and the voice coming from afar finally woke me up.

A few meters away from me.

Winter was almost here, and yet, under a small tree, beautiful crimson flowers, one by one, started to bloom belatedly, as if they had overslept.

The child was standing there, holding an armful of flowers that she had seemingly picked from the surroundings, her face as bright as the flowers, beaming a radiant smile.

I raised my hand, slightly trembling.

And waved at the child.

"...Long, time no see."

"Heehee!"

I really, don't know.

Why I came back here again.

Why I'm happy to see the child again.

I'm so full of questions.

The child, seeing me like that, just smiled, as if amused.

**

A small, soft cotton candy.

But beneath that fluffy exterior, there was a thorny tree.

Like a hedgehog, trying to push everyone away, unwilling to be hurt, as if saying, 'Don't come near me'.

And yet, a child who craved affection, trembling in fear of being abandoned.

A person who had lost her will to live, who had given up on everything, caught between two conflicting desires that could never intersect.

It reminded me so much of my past self, it was adorable.

"—You heard my story, right?"

"Huh?"

"Don't play dumb."

She puffed up her chest, like a kitten hissing.

At least, that's what it looked like to me.

Her eyes, still half-closed from sleepiness, were filled with suspicion towards me.

Was it because she had just woken up, or was it because my presence had such a strong impact on her that it shook her heart?

She had shed her playful demeanor from before, and was staring at me with a cold gaze.

Fearsomely.

Angrily.

"No, you probably don't even need to hear it? Everyone hates me when they see me."

"........"

"They all did. Abandoned, abandoned, abandoned. Even my closest friend, will probably abandon me too, eventually."

Harsh words.

It was harsh words towards herself.

"You too, right?"

With a twisted smile, she shed a tear.

Beneath the mask, I saw a lost child, a lost soul who didn't know where to go.

"You asked if I was having a hard time, right? Yes, I am. I'm so tired, I want to die."

"......."

"....Haha, this is crazy. I shouldn't be saying these things to a child. Have I really gone mad?"

Meeting someone like her,

Or rather, like me,

This is not the first time I've met someone who’s living a new(Second) life.

Unusual appearances, abilities, or behaviors.

Identifying such people was easy.

They weren't uncommon, appearing about once every ten times.

—Most of them, couldn't adapt to the changed world.

Because a child acting unlike a child was considered ominous.

Because someone was born with an appearance that shouldn't be possible in their lineage.

Because they couldn't speak properly due to the influence of their previous language, having trouble learning a new one.

They were ostracized for various reasons.

Only a very few, the lucky ones, could enjoy the opportunities that came their way.

Those who were rejected had no choice but to live their lives, unable to find meaning in their existence, lost in their changed environment.

In that sense, I could say I was truly lucky.

I had experienced good people, a good family, and good encounters, learning so much.

I had found my own way of life.

And I was able to sublimate those lessons, to guide those who were lost.

I am, undeservingly, a blessed being.

"....Heehee."

I slowly approached her, as she sat there, her head down.

Thud, plop.

The flowers overflowing from my arms fell out, one by one, marking the path I had walked like signposts.

Even though I was close enough to touch her, she, whose name I didn't even know, was still lost in her self-reproach and lamentation.

A testament to our ignorance.

That a stranger, whose name we don't even know, understands us better than we understand ourselves.

Isn't it, fascinating?

That's why we have to tell each other about ourselves.

"Everything, everything, everything is a lie."

"No, it's not a lie."

Both Elli, and the girl before me,

All they wanted was nothing more than unconditional love and trust.

Rustle, I scattered the flowers in my arms over her head.

It was just an act of getting rid of what I was holding.

But the sight of white, yellow, and blue flowers falling, all mixed together, seemed like a blessing for the path she was about to walk.

She just looked up at me with empty eyes, covered in the flowers I had scattered.

Believe, and you shall be saved. (TL Note: Christian bible verse.)

A small verse came to mind.

I slowly extended an arm and embraced her head tightly.

I stroked her stiff hair, and her strands slipped through my fingers.

You've been through a lot.

You've done well, enduring all this time.

Now, I'll help you.

"You’re, pretty."

"...That’s a, lie."

"I like it because it's like the night sky, clear and beautiful."

I wonder if, in a way, I'm her senior?

Since I didn't have much experience with younger siblings or juniors, I couldn't help but want to intervene when I saw someone acting spoiled like this.

This must be the responsibility of an adult.

I untangled her messy hair with my right hand and embraced her warmly.

Even though I had never felt inconvenienced in my life, but at times like this when hugging someone, it was a bit sad that I couldn't use both hands.

"You'll abandon me too in front of everyone, won't you?"

"No I won't~, I'll be with you, always~"

"—Don't lie!!!"

When I responded playfully, she pushed me away with both hands.

But her rejection was so weak, it was just a light push with her palms.

I was so distracted by the guilt in her eyes that even that felt like a huge shock, and I stumbled backward helplessly.

Thump. I tripped on a rock and lost my balance.

It was incredibly difficult to maintain balance with only one arm left, so I ended up tumbling backward.

Roll, roll.

I ended up in a pathetic state, covered in dirt.

"—Ouch!"

"....You…!?"

In that brief moment, she seemed to have seen something, her eyes widening.

My lovely junior stood there, was frozen in place.

Ignoring the pain, I got up and ran towards her again.

You might doubt everything.

You might feel like everyone is deceiving you, you might truly believe that they reject you from the bottom of their hearts.

The violence and rejection fueled by hatred, the discrimination, all of it might never disappear.

Yes.

Unless a miracle happens.

"I… I don't know anyone… I don't have a family, or friends… So I've always been, alone…"

"......"

"You… You’re the first person I've gotten to know… Everyone else… hates me…!!"

But humans are, creatures who create miracles.

If you wish for it strongly, if you believe in it strongly, no matter how absurd it may seem, your wish might come true someday.

So, let's believe.

Then, we'll be saved.

"So, please.... Be my— friend."

"......!!"

But don't worry too much if salvation doesn't come.

Look.

"Don't, abandon me."

Hasn't a miracle, appeared before us?

**

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